"I change my password every three months. Each is a line from a poem I memorized as a child."

"Oh, you are getting railed this weekend. The boys go wild for proper password security."

"Until grad school my password was the name of my favorite She-Ra character."

"You? You are not getting railed. Poor password security practices and grad school. Not even She-Ra can save you."

"I-I won't say anything about my password to make guessing harder." (He's working his way through 'Bullet With Butterfly Wings," except only every 6 months when the company computer system makes him change it.)

If he was a better person, he'd point out cross-team rapport might prevent you from sexually harassing someone in front of a member of HR, except said HR person is too shy to say anything.

"Good boy."

Please do not sexually harass the HR person. This is not that. Any feelings about this are him being weird and Having Reactions around Wei Wuxian generally. He's pretty sure he means it non-sexually anyway (... How would it even be sexual?)

"Uhthankyou."

No one can notice he's turning bright red if he's fighting with the coffee machine.

"I wonder what percentage of people in this conversation are queer. I'm bi, as we all learned from my extremely cool and fashionable rainbow getup last June 28--"

"I'm bi, I think?"

"Straight."

He could very much say he is bi. At least two people in this conversation have said that, to no immediate I'll affect. "I-I think I need to check behind the couch cushions."

"All the pretty ones are ace."

Shit, FUCK.

HE MEANT TO BE VAGUE AND SAID SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

AND MANAGED TO CONVINCE WEI WUXIAN HE WASN'T INTERESTED.

"I mean I'm not sure, not that I-- don't," he says into his coffee.

Pat pat Wen Ning's shoulder. "It's okay not to be sure whether you're ace or not. Maybe you're gray-asexual! There are a lot of identities."

The coffee is his only ally in this conversation because it isn't asking awkward questions.

"Gay."

"What? No you're not. You are way too fundamentally lame to be gay."

"Demisexual and gay."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT DEMISEXUAL MEANS."

"You wrote a pamphlet for Wen Ning for Pride month."

"NO ONE READS THOSE."

"I read all my emails."

"No one who is as lame as Lan Wangji is allowed to be gay. Gays can't maintain inbox zero. We're all losers who hate their dads, can't drive, and can't calculate tips even though we have a PhD in math."

"The universal queer PhD in math."