This is... not what he expected to wake up to. He has spent most of his life without purple screens filling his vision, and he did not expect this to ever change.

It's a nice enough oath. It's all very good things to want, and things he wishes he could do.

...He shouldn't make promises he cannot keep. (He is already failing at some very basic promises.) But a small stupid part of him wants to believe that clicking yes will somehow make him able to keep it--

--So he does.

Wen Ning

"The Wizard"

LVL: 1 (0 / 200)

Stats

BOD: 19 (+)

LUV: 15 (+)

SED: 2 (+)

ART: 4 (+)

NOV: 3 (+)

WIZ: 10 (+)

Stat Points: 5

Money: $10,000

Status Effects: Innocent Virgin

Description: Wen Ning is the shyest, meekest, most obedient, and people-pleasingest person you've ever met. All of the limited achievements he has made in his life are due to the intervention of his family, all of whom except his sister Wen Qing hate him. Giving him a sinecure at Wen Corp is less embarrassing than having a Wen who's a failure at food service. But by taking the Wizard's Oath, Wen Ning has chosen to pit himself against the forces of ennui, boredom, and despair. Fortunately, his compassion, inner strength and courage are second to none, and he has what it takes to save the world. 

Spells

Wizard's Body (Lvl MAX | Passive): The One has taken away some of the inconveniences associated with most physical forms. You heal from all injuries with a good night's sleep, ready for the next day's adventures. Absent certain boons and quests, disease does not exist for you; neither do refractory periods, erectile dysfunction, lower back pain, headaches, windedness from excessive exercise, or insomnia. You can't get anyone pregnant unless you want to. Arbitrarily large items can fit into any of your orifices. You are in the 90th percentile for your age of all standard fitness assessments. Other aspects of this spell depend on the BOD stat.

Wizard's Mind (Lvl MAX | Passive): The mental flexibility and resilience you need as a wizard. You are more able to accept the realities of your new world. You are able to bounce back from painful, upsetting, or bizarre experiences with relative ease. Rape, assault, or other regrettable violent experiences can be anything from a recoverable trauma to a Tuesday afternoon, but it won't ruin your life. Other aspects of this spell depend on the LUV, SED, ART, and NOV stats. 

Wizard's World (Lvl MAX | Passive): Your world has just gotten a little more... magical. People are never too preoccupied to think about pleasure or love when you're around. Bystanders won't ignore what you do, but they're unlikely to ever stop you. Those who do intervene will find themselves changed. If you go far enough that an authority sees no choice but to intervene... they won't treat you as a simple criminal. Other aspects of this spell depend on the WIZ stat.

Boon

In Love's Name and For Love's Sake: You are recruited and empowered to fight the Lone Power that invented ennui, indifference, jadedness, boredom, and cynicism.

Manual // Stats

LVL/Level: The quantified totality of your power as a wizard. The effects of this characteristic go far beyond the five stat points you get per level and the one boon you get per five levels.

BOD/Body: Your physical characteristics, including but not limited to your physical attractiveness. As BOD goes up, your body will be able to enact more exotic events.

LUV/Love: You should love everyone, and the One isn't averse to giving you a little... push. Don't worry, it'll start out at a level you can handle.

SED/Seduction: Your ability to seduce others, pique their interest and arouse their desire.

ART/Art: Your ability to give others pleasure... or other sensations.

NOV/Novelty: There are many sources of love and joy. This measures how many of them you understand.

WIZ/Wizardry: The extent to which the world will bend-- or be bent by you-- to create situations in defiance of probability. Or, at higher levels, physics. 

Manual // Stats // Level

At LVL 1 and 0% progress to the next level, you're at the very beginning of your journey.

You can increase your level by completing quests offered by your manual or by spreading love and joy throughout the world. The more difficult the challenge, the greater the rewards.

Manual // Stats // Body

Your BOD of 19 makes you one of the most beautiful people in any room, as long as the room isn't in Hollywood and doesn't have Lan Wangji or Lan Xichen in it. Yes, really. You are going to have to start believing positive things about yourself.  

You can increase this stat through exhibitionism and other acts which invoke the beauty and power of your physical form.

Manual // Stats // Love

Your LUV of 15 is proof that you can't get rid of your high desire for physical pleasure and joy by repressing it as hard as you can because preferences might make people mad at you. 

You can increase this stat by experiencing urges towards pleasure that are unusually intense or go on unusually long. 

Manual // Stats // Seduction

Your SED is not 1, because there are many people who try to entrance others through crude harassment or violent physical assault. That is about as much as can be said for your social skills. 

You can increase this stat by arousing the interest and desire of others and successfully pursuing them or being caught.

Manual // Stats // Art

You are earnest, enthusiastic, and eager to please. But your ART of 4 shows that there's only so much that wanting to make other people happy can make up for lack of skill. 

You can increase this stat by developing your skills in bringing pleasure and joy to other people's lives. 

Manual // Stats // Novelty

Your NOV of 3 is proof that you can avoid discovering which things bring you joy by repressing it as hard as you can because preferences might make people mad at you.

You can increase this stat by taking joy and pleasure in things you thought were painful or repulsive.

Manual // Stats // Wizardry

At a WIZ of 10, your world still mostly lies behind the dark cloud of the Lone Power. What happens to you may seem unlikely to others, but it won't break the boredom and bitterness they have about the universe... yet. Witnesses will reach for explanations other than magic, but they'll still notice the unusual events.

Manual // Status Effects // Innocent Virgin

Until you choose to lose your virginity, no one will force you to give it up. 

Uh.

Um.

UM?????

...at least it is planning to help him achieve the preserving joy thing, seeing as it has made him a wizard? And it has a mostly accurate opinion of him which is... depressing, but at least it means it knows what it's in for. (He will agree that Lan Wangji is prettier than him. He is pretty sure he is not prettier than 90% of people. He is not in the top 10% of anything).

Also his virginity apparently matters? Is. Is he going to be spreading joy and love, uh, manually? (Even as a wizard, he's probably going to fail dramatically at that.) Hopefully the Lone Power that created ennui can be fought with... cake? He's never made a cake before but he's pretty sure it doesn't involve talking to people or getting them naked, so he might have a better shot at that.

The "stat points: 5" item blinks at him helpfully.

So, LUV seems the most the most useful for his goal, but it's already one of his higher stats, so he probably shouldn't put point into it yet? Unless this is a game where you want to minmax. Hopefully it isn't. He was never good at those.

SED seems less useful if he plans to save the world through cake, but it is his lowest stat, so-- it gets two points, to bring it in line with ART.

He should probably put a point into NOV, too? He can be equally bad at most things that aren't being loving and pretty (supposedly.)

And that leaves two points for WIZ. It's one of his higher ones, but it looks pretty powerful? Seems like a good choice to be better at wizarding and get all the help he can get.

Unfortunately for him, none of those feel like much of anything. 

Look at boons [], receive starting quests [], or reject magic []?

He should probably look at the boons? They might make this at all possible.

Agent X (1 point) (30 ≤ WIZ < 70)

When you come into contact with any intelligence agency of any nationality, they will immediately see you as prime fodder for willing recruitment (either as an employee or a contractor). This effect continues operating even if you are already working for one or more such agencies.

Animal Whisperer (1 point) (WIZ < 60)

Choose an animal family. You are extraordinarily skilled at handling (non-sapient) members of this family, and will experience yourself as being able to communicate nearly intelligently with up to (WIZ / 10) chosen familiars. At WIZ 40 you may grant your chosen familiars greater intelligence and other powers through the Familiar subskill of Bestow Ability.

Cal's Curse Compounded (2 fragments) (NOV < 60)

You may not have an orgasm without permission.

Once you plead with someone for permission you may not ask any other person besides them for one month. Each plea resets this timer. The permission-giver must know the rules of this curse; must know that you deliberately invoked this curse upon yourself; cannot otherwise be subject to your commands; and cannot be offered any non-sexual incentives for their response. They may choose to permit a ruined orgasm rather than a full orgasm. The permission-giver may give conditional permissions, including requiring you to obtain the further permission of others. Permission may be revoked at any time. You cannot lie to the permission-giver about any matter relating to your denial. You can try to remain silent, if you think you can get away with that.

All game skills relating to orgasm denial, whether of yourself or others, have zero energy cost. 

Chaser 6 When. (1 point) (WIZ < 70)

You can have WIZ/2 independent selves running at once. You have access to all of your selves' memories and experiences, but actions taken by one self will never distract a different self.

Cinnamon Roll (1 point)

Triple all positive effects to others of having sex with you. 

Animal Whisperer seems... Nice. He would just have to find the perfect animal, which is a choice he isn't qualified for.

Cinnamon Roll would probably be the best, uh, for fulfilling the oath except for the fact he would have to have sex with people somehow

Curse of Dresden (1 point + 1 fragment) (SED < 80)

The first time you make full eye contact with someone, you learn which desires they have most embarrass them.

Curse of Tattletale (1 point + 1 fragment) (SED < 80)

Whenever anyone within visual range has specific sexual thoughts about you, you know what they are thinking about.

Dark Side (1 point)

At will, cause your eyes to turn visibly bloodshot or revert to normal. At WIZ 40+, you can opt to have your irises turn scarlet, and at WIZ 50+, your eyes can glow red.

Anyone witnessing this phenomenon is fully convinced that you are in the grip of an alternate personality, that your memories of a past life have assumed control, that you are lost in the demonic side of your half-demon heritage, etcetera. To whatever extent this naturally motivates people to forgiveness, your primary self will not be held responsible for your dark side's shameless misdeeds.

Dath Ilan (1 point)

Your memories are replaced with the memories you would have had if you'd grown up in the world of dath ilan. Your NOV is reduced to 1, as most of the most... interesting... ways to seek pleasure are considered infohazards. Your SED is twice as high when you are lecturing about game theory. You are no longer able to use your SED score to notice when people are maintaining elaborate webs of deception around you. You are now outraged about statistical methodology, most economic regulation, video games, mosquitoes, and chairs.    

Diplomatic Immunity (1 point + 2 fragments) (30 ≤ WIZ < 70)

Everywhere you go, the computers are firmly convinced you are the child of a high-ranking diplomat from an important allied country. Police officers may stop you (possibly even using violence, if they catch you in the middle of something they really want to stop) but you are never arrested, never charged, and will never go to jail.

WHY WOULD HE WANT A DARK SIDE TO BLAME THINGS ON NO THANK YOU.

(If he knew about game theory, he could probably use the SED that is twice as high... except SED 8 is still not that good probably, and, this is important, he doesn't know game theory.)

Enter the Wired (1 point) (45 ≤ WIZ < 80)

You may physically enter the Internet.

Everyone Knows (2 fragments)

People who spend time in your presence begin to form correct intuitions about your deepest desires, at least the parts their minds would willingly comprehend. They won't expect others to know too, but they will be sure of their own beliefs. This process is especially quick for any desires that currently embarrass you. It is extremely quick for desires that currently embarrass you and that interest the other person to fulfill.

Everywhere Erogenous (2 fragments) (LUV < 40)

There is no area of your body that cannot be used to stimulate you to orgasm, though this may still take time and work to do through your elbow.

Fairy-tale Masochist (1 point) (LUV < 50)

You will now enjoy and appreciate any intensity of physical torture, with zero warmup.

Grandmaster of Non-Demonic Cultivation (1 point) (45 ≤ WIZ < 75)

Receive 4 doses of Body-Tempering Elixir and 4 Qi Pills, enough to get you started. Dantians are now a thing. Warning: Wei Wuxian will be unable to resist the urge to invent an evil form of cultivation. The One makes no promises about whether you will wind up a sapient fierce corpse. 

Everyone Knows seems useful. Enter the Wired seems actually useful. He could probably manage to bring joy via the internet.

... Why are so many of the options going to maybe make him undead? Is this an occupational hazard of Wizardry?????

Home Base (1 point)

You possess an upgradeable fortress home, initially small and bare, but expandable through the infusion of money, certain offerings, or the completion of various quests. Electricity, water, and Internet access are always provided. Your home initially has an unobtrusive outlet in whichever part of your local territory is most useful to you. Further outlets may be added with underground expansion, or at higher WIZ, portals.

You may designate small personal areas within your base as not being invadable. You may place vulnerable family and friends in this area, and personal mementos. You may not use it to store prisoners, treasures, or objects of power.

Home Office (2 fragments) (WIZ < 50)

No matter how many times you skip work, you will not get fired.

Idol (1 point) (30 ≤ SED) (20 ≤ BOD)

You gain the talent that will let you to learn how to compose music and lyrics. Singing and performance is already based on SED.

All other aspects of becoming famous---such as actually practicing, assembling a band, and impressing, seducing or blackmailing producers---are up to you; but you will encounter good opportunities. 

I'm Not Explaining This Again (2 fragments) (SED < 70)

After you have carefully, painstakingly, thoroughly explained a concept related to love, joy, or pleasure at least once (polyamory is not cheating, that is not where a clitoris is, there is nothing wrong with watching cartoons as an adult, how to cook delicious food that fits a person's dietary restrictions), anyone else you meet will understand it after only a couple of sentences.

In Nomine Status Quo (1 point)

Once per level you may roll against your WIZ*2 to have something undo the long-term consequences of an event perturbing your personal existence. You discover blackmail material you can use to get the prosecutor to drop the charges; your best friend forgives you for that nasty fight; you suddenly discover a new, better apartment if you're being evicted; your one-night-stand turns out to be a millionaire who pays off the incurred debt. Your chance of success when using this perk cannot exceed 90%, but you can still try to salvage the situation by ordinary means if it fails.

This perk may be used any number of times, without counting against the once-per-level limitation, to try to undo any addition or removal of a suitor in your love dodecahedron.

Home Office is tempting, but 'hiding from work because the experience is equal shame-producing and terrifying' is maybe not the most loving response. (Though he's not really sure what this thing counts as 'loving'. It seems to have some specific idea, but maybe that's just how other wizards specialise?)

Him becoming an idol is just laughable. Even if maybe it would be a good way for other people to spread love?

In Nomine Status Quo sounds nice, though.

Indubcon (1 point)

Your best guess never turns out to be an overestimate in regards to how much somebody wants you sexually, or feels okay about having sex with you, or is enjoying having sex with you, or is into some particular fetish.

I See You (1 point) (WIZ < 80)

You are able to perceive, remember, and communicate with anything that would ordinarily be undetectable by you, be misperceived by you, or slip out of your memory. 

James Bondage (2 fragments) (ART < 50)

You are a master at tying people up. Your ties never cause unintentional pain, never come loose accidentally, and can be applied in less than 5 minutes, including to an unwilling subject who is otherwise being held down or restrained.

Legoland (1 point + 1 fragment) (50 ≤ WIZ < 90) (ART < 100)

You can detach body parts from their original holders, and then attach them to other people or just take them with you. People with parts attached receive sensations from that part. All sensations experienced by a part continue to flow to that part's original owner, unless an alternative part has been attached to the empty slot on the original owner's body. The usual functions of a part become unnecessary to the person while their part is detached. Detached parts temporarily acquire the protection of your Wizard's Body spell. Victims of this spell may take back and reattach their own parts if they can find them, but only to that part's original location on their body.

Examples:

- Removing Alice's hand and attaching Bob's foot to her wrist will cause both Alice and Bob to receive sensations from that foot.
- Further attaching Carol's ear to Bob's leg means that only Alice is still receiving sensation from Bob's foot.
- Instead attaching Carol's ear to Bob's thigh would mean that Bob is receiving sensation from both his detached foot and from Carol's attached ear.
- You can go on attaching additional parts to Bob so long as he has remaining exposed flesh. You cannot stack parts.
- Removing any non-native parts from Bob means that Bob immediately stops receiving input to them.
- Tiling Bob in clits and tossing him into a vibrator pit is not advised if you want to keep him sane.

Library of Sodom (1 point) (ART < 40)

You automatically know any detail of abstract knowledge that you want or need about any generally pleasurable activity that has been described in public writing. For example, directions for how to tie a shibari knot, that one ought to avoid striking the kidneys with a flogger, how to give a good massage, how to make bread, the chemistry of the Maillard reaction, how scansion works, themes of the works of Naomi Novik, and common techniques to solve recreational math problems. This knowledge does not convey skill.

Indubcon is so tempting. He could just ASK people, and know they would be fine with it... which is why he probably shouldn't take it. Too selfish.

Library of Sodom seems pretty powerful and useful, actually. Even if it doesn't give skill, knowing is half the battle is useful. He should put it up the top of the list of 'probably useful boons.'

Like Uber for Costumes (1 point + 1 fragment) (60 ≤ WIZ)

If you can find any manufactured fetish clothing (not a one-off creation, and you must not have been involved in inspiring it) that corresponds to a profession, you can act with the full skill of that profession while wearing that clothing. For example, using firearms while dressed as a sexy soldier. Clothing relevantly counts as fetish clothing if you want to wear it and feel embarrassed by this desire.

'Little Death' Note (1 point) (50 ≤ WIZ < 70)

The human whose name is written in this Note shall orgasm. Details of how the orgasm shall appear must be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds.

Look Who's Having Fun (2 fragments) (LUV < 40)

Your pleasurable response to compatible stimuli is unhindered by other aspects of a situation that exceed your NOV. This does not alter other psychological impacts of situations exceeding your NOV.

Mad Inventor (1 point) (30 ≤ WIZ < 70)

You can create devices whose functions correspond to many wizardly spells and effects. These devices cannot be mass-manufactured, but can be loaned to others. You must wear steampunk goggles while wielding this perk.

Mad Scientist (1 point)

Your powers give you the ability to test hypotheses that conventional science cannot or will not investigate. Use all spells at double their base level whenever you are primarily seeking general knowledge. (Extracting the location of an enemy base does not count as 'general knowledge'.) You must wear a sexy lab coat while invoking this perk. 

...he has probably sworn to be a sex wizard. This may be something resembling a mistake.

Too late now.

Though at least the fact he's embarassed by the idea of wanting to wear nice clothes could probably hacked to make him better at things? All at the low, low cost of wearing clothes he is embarassed at wanting to wear. ...

Meguca (1 point) (WIZ < 65)

You're a magical girl! Well, more magical, anyway. Let's be realistic here, you were probably going to serve time in a costume sooner or later. This perk gives you a head start and some extra freedom of choice over styles of fightable monsters and beautiful clothing.

If you are currently male, you may optionally opt for your transformed self to be a boy. Don't expect any fewer sparkles.

Mom/Dad (2 fragments)

Your horrible, abusive parent is replaced by a helpful, loyal parent who will not interfere with your wizardly business. You may opt to keep your memories of the old parent, or simply remember a happier childhood, in which case you will gain a small, unimportant additional starting perk and not remember that this true perk exists or that you selected it. You may also opt to retain the ability to tell this new parent about wizardry.

If you have an additional absentee parent or awful step-parent, they are replaced by a corresponding kindly parent who is dead due to a random accident. This operation leaves your family's finances unchanged.

Naked Before Me (1 point) (ART < 70) (WIZ < 80)

You may touch people as if their clothing and your clothing did not exist. Onlookers not clued in see your hand, shoe, or head resting quietly in the corresponding place---lewd, perhaps, but not obscene---and do not hear any sounds directly produced by the sex act, though they still hear other sounds made by your victim. Similar acts may be performed on you, including by accident. 

No Comparison (2 fragments) (WIZ < 50)

Those who have experienced a relationship with you do not think to compare their past or future experiences to the ones they had with you. This perk applies retroactively to people you had a relationship with in the past and heals any prior psychological damage they have taken, but does not repair any of their relationships that have already broken. 

Non-Excludable Public Good (1 point) (45 ≤ WIZ < 70)

The world treats your orifices as unsecured wifi. Nobody considers it odd for anyone to do anything to you at any time or place. 

...hopefully he doesn't have to be a sex wizard. The... Other wizards, who hopefully exist, can handle the sex related love.

And he should leave Mom/Dad for people with actually abusive parents.

Omnisexual (1 point + 1 fragment) (LUV < 80)

You can at will decide to be sexually and/or romantically attracted to any person, or body type, or personality characteristic. This perk cannot remove attractions you would otherwise already have, nor does it expand your fetishes.

Perfect Sadist (1 point) (ART < 40)

Inflicting pain on others, no matter how severe, never causes any permanent damage you did not intend.

Perfect Subbing (2 fragments) (SED < 80) (WIZ < 60)

You can at will perceive subtitles in your native language for all speakers whose voice you can hear, and subtitled translation for all foreign-language texts. This does not enable you to speak or write other languages.

PhD in Social Circle Management (1 point)

Those among people you care about who would otherwise be hostile to each other tolerate one another's presence. This perk does not bypass quest-related challenges or produce actual friendship.

Pon Farr Lightning Round (2 fragments) (WIZ < 60)

You must have sex at least once per day with someone you find attractive. In the unlikely event of failure to meet this deadline, you could experience increasing levels of fever, sensitivity, mania, fatigue, fugue, loss of self-control, or stat bonuses.

Anyone you tell about this will believe you completely and see it as a mundane medical condition, regardless of what further opinions they form as a result. Nothing forces you to be truthful about whether you have already had sex that day.

By paying 1 full point you may take this as a boon refundable at WIZ 70, in which case this medical condition is becoming common across the world. 

Being able to be attracted to anyone would be... Useful... If he was going to try and do this with sex. (He'd want to love everyone, right? That seems only fair.)

...perfect subbing however gets points for being less terrifying.

Prize (1 point)

Seven interesting people from around the world learn your identity, along with the true fact that whoever wins your heart will gain tremendous power.

Not Right Now You Don't (2 fragments) (BOD < 50)

Your anus no longer functions as an excretory vent in addition to its other uses. You simply never need to go to the bathroom for number two. Your sensitivity to other stimuli including enemas is unchanged.

Real Scientist (1 point) (30 ≤ WIZ)

Your unusual experiences have given you insight into open questions about the world, leading you to form new testable hypotheses. You instinctively understand experimental methodology and statistics. So long as you report your outcomes honestly, other scientists will discuss your results seriously; and overlook your lack of credentials along with any questions about the morality or possibility of your experiments. 

If you simultaneously hold the perks Mad Inventor, Mad Scientist, and Real Scientist, you become able to develop reproducible technology, including the experimental apparatus required for others to further investigate and extend your discoveries. An actual PhD in a scientific field, acquired the hard way, can substitute for the Real Scientist perk in this trinity.

Secure, Contain, Protect (1 point)

You are a magnet for any person or sapient entity with a significant chance of producing global catastrophe. They will inevitably cross paths with you and seek out your companionship. 

Shapeshifter (1 point)

You are able to shapeshift into a different form. Under the light of a full moon, you may shift in or out of your second form. Your second form may gain up to 40 additional stat points, distributed by you among BOD, SED, ART, and WIZ at the time of choosing this perk. You may not put more than 10 of these points into WIZ, or more than 20 of these points into any other stat. Your second form also gains both NOV and LUV each equivalent to half the total points you have so distributed, rounded up. Your shapeshifted form looks different from you and no one will connect the identities unless you tell them. 

Why are there so many options for becoming different forms.

Also, why would he want to be chased by seven people. That's too many people. Especially if he could make them powerful??

He is not going to be able to hack it as a Real Scientist.

Something About Marry (1 point) (30 ≤ WIZ < 70)

You may at will choose to have been betrothed to someone as a child. The evidence for this betrothal may be discovered all at once or revealed gradually. Warning: Overuse of this perk may result in the results of overusing this perk.

Soulbond (1 point + 2 fragments) (True ≤ Love)

If your love for someone is true, and they return that love, this perk creates a symmetrical emotional and telepathic bond between your soul and theirs, which will deepen over time if your love stays true. Both sides of the relationship are automatically protected as if by True Love Conquers All.

Failure of this bond does not refund the perk and may have psychological consequences. Consider staying married for a couple of centuries first.

This perk may be taken more than once.

Subspace Explorer (2 points) (100 ≤ WIZ)

In certain altered states of consciousness, you can travel within it across vast distances of probability and possibility to visit other worlds. All alien societies connected can put you in a similar form of altered consciousness, ensuring that you can always return home.

Tastes Like Chocolate (2 fragments) (BOD < 50)

Freely control the taste and scent of any of your bodily fluids, so long as the result is more pleasant than the human norm.

Terminal Moe (1 point) (WIZ < 70)

A doctor diagnoses you with a fatal disease, giving you three months left to live---maybe two, maybe four. Your remaining lifetime is uncertain, but it won't be long now. Your occasional hospital stays are brief and painless, leaving you looking wan, sad, and beautiful in your hospital bed. Sometimes you get a piece of medical good news, giving you a little more time in which to say goodbye and experience all the things you never had a chance to do. No matter how long this continues, no one ever notices that the doctor always gives you around one more month of lifespan per month.

You may at will have a remission or relapse of your Terminal Moe. 

ALIEN WORLDS EXIST?

He's going to have to work out how to spread love and joy and fight ennui in alien worlds. He swore an oath to do so.

... He is not qualified for this.

To Boldly Go (1 point + 1 fragment) (ERO < 85)

You somehow get your hands on a starship, enabling you to visit nearby star systems and meet the many interesting life forms to be found there.

Transsexual (1 point + 1 fragment)

At will, but at most once per level, change to have been born male, female, intersex, or exotically gendered. This is a conceptual shift of world/self and gives you access to distant-feeling memories of having previously lived as your new sex. Some romantic relationships may shift to become friendships in the new world, as not all other people's sexual orientations may be easily reselectable in the target history. You cannot change to be exotically gendered while your WIZ is under 35.

True Love Conquers All (1 pt + 2 fragments)

If you love someone enough, nothing can ever permanently separate them from you. The only exception is their wishing to leave you---deliberately, voluntarily, and based on correct information. This applies to any type of love, not just romantic love. If you would undergo hardship and sacrifice to protect someone, if losing them would leave a scar on your heart that never fully heals, then in time you will always be reunited.

This perk retroactively includes everyone you have previously lost, but still love. If somebody you love is already dead (e.g. a beloved parent or grandparent), taking this perk automatically begins the Timeheart quest to revive them after your WIZ reaches 50.

Trust (1 point)

Whenever somebody honestly tells you that they love you, or like you, or admire something about you, or shows trust in you by confessing a truth to you that they would not tell others, you know that they mean it.

Urban Legend (1 point)

For any identities you maintain besides your primary legal identity, their existence never becomes common knowledge.

This boon does not interfere with first-order knowledge: People may readily observe or tell trusted others about the boy who disappeared into thin air while they watched. However, everyone believes unshakably that 'most people' would be as contemptuously skeptical of your existence as of an alien abduction. No one would ever dare talk about you in public as if they believed in you. It is possible for large populations to all be subject to this effect simultaneously, e.g. if you are seen on national television.

Trust is tempting but he can't assume it would come up much.

True Love Conquers All is also very tempting, but that's just him being possessive.

United Federation of Planets (1 point + 1 fragment) (requires To Boldly Go)

While roaming about in your starship, you discover a larger galactic community. First Contact is initiated between Earth and their ancient, sophisticated, incredibly jaded civilization.

Utility Monster (1 point)

Your experiences are a trillion times more important than the experiences of those around you. 

What Are You Doing Here (2 fragments) (ERO < 80)

You can always find anyone you have previously kissed. All your attempts to be admitted to the school, bluff your way into the military base, pretend to be a hospital nurse, etcetera, have triple the likelihood of succeeding. Unless you otherwise blow your cover, nobody else takes your target or any other prior acquaintances seriously if they protest your being there.

What Dreams May Come (1 point + 2 fragments) (30 ≤ ERO)

You know when someone begins to fantasize about you, and know in approximate terms what they currently intend to fantasize. You may choose to enter their fantasy and gain control of your analogue-self within it, experiencing the events as real.

You may gain skill, stats, experience, and energy within the fantasy. You retain all knowledge you learn within the fantasy. Physical changes to your body or equipment do not carry over to reality. Only as much subjective time passes for you as passes for the fantasizer. This event takes place alongside and parallel to your main existence and does not interrupt it, but you cannot participate in more than one fantasy at a time.

You only have what capabilities the fantasizer acknowledges you as having. The fantasizer does not notice anything unusual about your behavior within their fantasy, no matter what you choose to do or say. You may not exit such a fantasy until it has terminated. This perk only works on fantasizers unaware of its existence and on fantasies you have not deliberately influenced.

Wizard Alone (1 point + 1 fragment)

At present, you are the only wizard on the planet Earth. (If you take To Boldly Go, you will meet other wizards in your adventures.) Wizard Alone allows other people of suitable mind to take the Wizard's Oath and begin to make the world a more delightful place. By default, all of your friends, allies, and companions will receive an option to take the Wizard's Oath. 

... He's the only wizard.

He is deeply unqualified for this. They could have picked literally anyone else.

--but he made a promise, so. He will do his best and hope that that's enough.

Wizard's Inventory (2 fragments) (WIZ < 60)

Any portable items relevant to your work as a wizard that you legally own can be summoned by you at will, and dismissed at will to return to its former location. If your WIZ is under 50 and you are being observed, you must summon items to inside an unobserved container, or otherwise maintain deniability.

Wizard's Travel (1 point) (WIZ < 80)

At a moment of peak physical pleasure, you can teleport to any other point where you truly and sincerely long to be. (Without To Boldly Go, this will not permit you to visit aliens.) While your WIZ is less than 50 you must not be observed at the moment of vanishing, and any others present at the destination will happen to be looking away as you materialize, though they will be looking back very soon. At WIZ 50+ you may take along any number of people if you are causing peaks of physical pleasure in them as well.

You Couldn't Help Yourself (2 fragments) (SED < 60) (WIZ < 70)

Anyone who views a picture of you will sincerely not blame another person for having had sex with you, including the monogamous partners of those you have seduced.

You Didn't Hear That (2 fragments)

Once per level you may retroactively decide not to have said something. This perk only applies to utterances made while you were your current level.

Yousexual (1 point + 1 fragment) (SED < 50)

In addition to their normal sexual and romantic orientation, everyone is additionally sexually and romantically attracted to you. (This is in potential, and will not cause distress if you choose not to pursue it.)

You Didn't Hear That is an option Made for him. ... except his second choices will probably be just as embarassing, or he'll never use it because what if he says something worse felt before he levels up?

There is also some very obvious stacking potential with Omnisexual and Yousexual.

And that is the end of the perks list.

Please press desired category of starting quest:

[] Self
[] Others
[] World
[] Ordeal

He made the oath to help bring joy, so Other seems like the natural choice? (Self would be selfish, World would be above his pay grade, and he is not picking Ordeal until he has any clue what that is.)

Quest available: Sweet Twenty-Four and Never Been Kissed

Get your first kiss from someone you want to kiss.

Success: 250 xp; +1 SED
Failure: ????
Accept now? Y/N

Quest available: All You Need Is A Light Jacket

Be taken out on a nice date by someone that you want to have take you out on a date. They should plan and pay for the entire experience, so all you have to do is show up and enjoy it.  

Success: 250 xp; new Ally
Failure: ????
Accept now? Y/N

Quest available: Secret Admirer

Figure out who has been in love with you since you were twelve years old. 

Success: 2000 xp; new Ally
Failure: Your secret admirer continues to be a kissless virgin.
Accept now? Y/N    

Quest available: Firm Boundaries

Identify at least three ways that people currently treat you that you would prefer that they not treat you. For a period of at least two weeks, when people treat you that way, calmly ask that they stop, then if they continue remove yourself from the situation.  

Success: 500 xp
Failure: 'Pushover' status effect
Accept now? Y/N   

Quest available: Preferences

Ask a stranger for a mildly inconvenient favor. It must be a favor you genuinely want. 

Success: 100 xp
Failure: 'Pushover' status effect
Accept now? Y/N

Quest available: Some People Have Really Abusive Parents

Go a period of at least two months without your parents being cruel to you.

Success: 500 xp; ??? relations with parents; increased relations with Wen Qing
Failure: increased relations with parents
Accept now? Y/N

Quest available: My Sister Knows Everything About Me

Tell your sister you're a wizard.

Success: 100 xp; new Ally; increased relations with Wen Qing; begin ??? quest
Failure: 'Lonely' status effect
Accept now? Y/N

Quest available: The Way To A Wizard's Heart

Fine. You can save the world with cake if you want to. Bake a cake, and give slices to at least eight people, one of whom must be sad.

Success: 50 xp
Failure: A messy kitchen
Accept now? Y/N

This is... A lot.

He has a secret admirer(???) and he's said admirer's only option(???????). 'Knows him since he was twelve' narrows it down, but that's still quite a few people. (Also he stuttered even more when he was twelve and was just worse at talking to people, so someone picking him when he was twelve says something about their standards.)

Unfortunately the easiest one gives the least xp, which makes sense... And also his purple wizardly companion(?) doesn't seem to like it much.

Okay, go through the logically. Some of these quests involve him doing things, and others involve other people doing things. Other people doing things looks easier-- he doesn't have to do it!-- but. He'd have to convince them to do it. Somehow. Him doing things is terrifying but at least he can force himself to do it sometimes.

...He should tell Wen Qing. She should really know, anyway, even without the quest rewards? But also if he's having a psychotic break, she's probably the person who would be the best at noticing that and making good decisions about it.

He selects 'Y' and rings his sister.

"Aren't you supposed to be at work?" she says, instead of 'hello.'

"S-something came up." ... "I-i think I'm a wizard?"

"What."

This conversation is going So Well.

"I took an oath to--'" he really should have memorised it, shouldn't he? "--'spread joy and ease pain' and then the thing that offered it to me told me I was a wizard now? I d-don't have magic powers or anything, but it gave me quests?"

"...a-Ning that sounds insane. Are you feeling all right?"

"...yeah, saying it out loud makes it pretty crazy. I'm feeling-- it keeps insulting me? Accurately, though. But that's maybe just more evidence that it's in my head?"

"...Voices that insult you are a common sign of psychosis... a-Ning, I'm going to come over. I'll call your boss and tell her you're sick today, too sick to call in for yourself. And then we can talk about this."

"T-that sounds very reasonable."

"See you in a bit."

"See you soon," and he hangs up.

So this is happening. ...at least 'schizophrenic' is an interesting new way to be the family disappointment?

...technically it did claim that he had magic powers, and he can test some of those claims. Testing the healing factor would be a bad idea because a) what if it isn't real and b) it would take awhile to check and c) it would look super alarming to anyone who saw it, ie his sister.

But mouths are an orifice. And he had a fairly good idea of what could fit in it yesterday.

The consequences of 'tried to fit whole hand in mouth, failed' are... Not good, but not that bad either.

So he tries that.

He can in fact fit his entire fist down his throat. It doesn't hurt or anything, and he's not gagging or nauseous. He feels a little stretch, a pleasant sort of full sensation. 

The purple boxes are silent on why they thought this was one of the most important magic skills for him to develop right away. 

Okay, so that's a thing.

1. Good news: he's a wizard, and not crazy.

2. That is exactly what someone who had lost all of their marbles would think.

3. HE'S A WIZARD NOW AND HAS TO DEAL WITH IT.

(Making him the only sex wizard in the world was a bad plan, but probably not a worse plan than making him the only wizard full stop? Or at least that's his best explanation for why he now has orifices of arbitrary size.)

Wen Qing enters his apartment. "Wen Ning? Are you all right?"

Saying 'I have proof I have magic powers' would be pretty alarming in this context.

In hindsight, shoving his upper arm into his throat with no preamble, and then trying to say "I think I actually have magic powers" around it is more alarming.

"Wen Ning! Get that right out of your mouth this instant!"

... That's probably a rational response.

He does so.

"How is your throat? Is it bleeding?"

"It's fine. I, uh, can apparently do that now?"

"...Let me see it again."

Behold: he can fit an arbitrary amount arm in his mouth.

This is only not the most awkward experience in his life because of his skill at making things awkward.

"...that is not in fact physically possible."

And arm back out of mouth.

"I thought so too. --I c-could be a wizard and psychotic."

"I didn't think you were psychotic before, I have no reason to believe you're psychotic now. I've seen many psychotic people in my emergency room and you don't have any of the signs I'd expect. And you have magic powers. --Why did it decide to teach you the spell to put your arm down your throat first."

Great question! Not one he wants to answer for his older sister! 

"It gave me a more resilient body generally? That was just the easiest one I could test."

"What else can you do? What do you know about magic?"

"N-not much?" Which neatly answers both questions. "I'm more mentally resilient as well as physically, and my third spell is basically 'you are magical.' As is my one boon, which is separate from spells in a way I'm not clear on. If I do quests given to me by the thing that gave me magic, I can earn more boons? I could chose to become a shapeshifter or have limited telepathy or things like that. Also I have stats now, but I think the magical thing is that I know them objectively, not that I have them?"

"And it happened to you because you... took an oath to spread joy in the world? And that gave you magic powers?"

"It offered the oath, and I accepted it, yes. Also for some reason it chose me as the only wizard?"

"I want magic powers! Tell it to give me magic powers."

Quest available: No Greater Love Than This

Enable Wen Qing to be the second wizard on Earth.

Success: 10,000 xp; Wizard Alone perk.
Failure: Decreased relations with Wen Qing. 
Accept Y/N?

He is eventually going to stop startling when those purple boxes appear. Goodness that's a lot XP.

And also a very bad failure state.

"There is a boon for that I can take when I earn one? ... also I just got a quest that implies I can do that without the perk, but it's vague on the... how..."

"I guess maybe they want you to figure it out? Don't worry, I'll help you."

"It's worth a lot, so that's probably what's going on..."

He is helping his sister become a sex wizard. This is how his morning is going.

It is a bad idea, but he accepts the quest.

"I don't think swearing the oath would be enough, but it can't hurt?"

"What do I have to say?"

In Love's name and for Love's sake, I assert that I will employ the Art which is its gift in Love's service alone, rejecting all other usages.

I will spread joy and ease pain. I will fight to preserve what loves and rejoices well in its own way, and I will change no object or creature unless its joy and love, or that of the system of which it is part, are threatened.

To these ends, in the practice of my Art, I will put aside despair for hope, and hatred for love, when it is right to do so-- Until Universe's end.

Thank you, useful but startling purple screen.

He reads it out slowly, giving Wen Qing a chance to follow along.

Nothing happens.

"Well, it was worth a try. So what does it want you to do?"

"...I-in general, or this specific case?" Is there a way to avoid the "I might be a sex wizard."

"Either."

"It really doesn't say much about making you a wizard, just that it's a possibility.

What it wants from the quests and the boons seem different? It wants me to have boundaries and find a secret admirer, and maybe bake a cake but I think it would rather I didn't?

The boons seem, more... focused on a very specific kind of joy."

"What do you mean?"

He is talking to an ER doctor. He is talking to the person who gave him the more useful version of the Talk. She is pretty unphasable.

...And he is, in theory, capable of using words that start with 's' and en in 'ex' around her.

"About a third of them are, uh, sex related?"

"I guess that is a pretty popular way of making people feel joy and love."

"'About a third of them' makes sense in that context."

"There are vampires?"

"...both of the options here are deeply worrisome."

"Either vampires already secretly exist, or you have the ability to generate an entire sentient species that eats people."

"...at least it seems to be a... nice... omnipotent being? That wants nice things? What quests do you have."

"Joy seems like a pretty good thing to want?" He pulls up the quest menu.

"I have a quest for kissing someone, to go on a date someone else has organised, find my secret admirer,  ask people to treat me more nicely, ask someone for a favour," he's skipping the parents one, for lack of a good way of summarising it, "tell you I'm a wizard, make you a wizard, and give cake to sad people."

"I like this magic-granting being."

"I-its got a lot going for it. No murders, nothing obviously evil--"

"...ordering you to do the exact things a therapist would do... It should tell you to get a therapist."

Quest available: Even The One Doesn't Dare Disobey Wen Qing 

Get a therapist. You must feel comfortable talking to the therapist and sharing your innermost feelings with them. (You do not have to tell them about being a wizard.) They must give you genuinely useful advice and not advice which is aimed at a slightly different person than the one you are. You should attend at least ten sessions. 

Success: 150 xp; improved coping skills; the One has increased relations with Wen Qing
Failure: Unlock Rage Against The Psychiatric System quest
Accept Y/N 

One day he will stop flinching at the boxes. (Otherwise he is going to have to come up with an excuse for why he is doing that.) "Apparently it agrees with you."

"Well, hit 'accept.' --Wait, if you accept a quest do you have to do something about it immediately, or can you wait and prioritize other things?"

A quest will generally not automatically fail if you deprioritize it for a while. If a quest has a time limit, the time limit is a feature of the world, not the quest, and failing to accept it will not give you more time in which to complete it. No currently active quests have time limits. However, if you accept a quest, you commit to doing it at some point; if you do not ever do it, eventually the quest will fail. 

"I could wait and prioritise other things as long as there isn't a time limit, but the time limit isn't a feature of the quest as much as-- if I had a 'Make John Doe happy' quest, and he's in town for a week, that would be time limited. If I don't do it for long enough, it will count as failed."

"I think it should have a to do list. So that you can keep track of all the things you're supposed to do and don't have to rely on scrolling through the absurd number of quests it gives you. --I suppose sometimes it doesn't want to tell you what the next action is but it's omniscient, it can track what your plans are at least." 

You are now under a status effect! Your sister's actions have put you under the status effect 'Your Sister Fears Neither God Nor Man.'

Manual // Status Effect // Your Sister Fears Neither God Nor Man

When Wen Qing makes a feature request for the manual, the manual will at least seriously consider it. If she chooses to argue with the universe itself, it may also have... interesting... effects. If Wen Qing successfully causes the world to become more magical via reasoned argument, it will increase WIZ.

Manual // To Do List 

[] Finish talking to your sister about being a wizard. 

Enter to do list item: __________

"I-it's listening! Apparently you could argue with the universe, but it doesn't recommend it? Though you can make it more magical."

"I often argue with the universe. It never listens."

"It might now, is the thing."

"Universe, I would like magic powers with which to heal my patients."

Nothing happens.

Helpless shrug. "I don't know if it wants more than that, or if it just won't do it."

"Well, let's come up with a plan. Have you looked at all the quests it gave you?"

"I just looked at the quests in the 'Others' category so far. It seems a bit early to try and do things in the 'World' category, and I don't want to try 'Ordeal' until I have a better idea what it is.' And picking 'self' would be selfish. 'And I decided to look at the 'self' category later."

"Well, you can at least see what they are, that doesn't commit you to anything. And then you can agree to the quests you're sure you want to do and start work on them."

This is pretty reasonable. What are the 'World' quests?

Quest available: Haunted by the Duolingo Owl

Study the wizardly Speech until you can use it fluently to cast spells and communicate with nonhumans. 

Success: 4,000 XP, Further Adventures of The Duolingo Owl quest
Failure: Severe limitation in your abilities as a wizard
Accept Y/N

Quest available: Everything Can Talk

Perform the meditation that the Manual will provide once you have accepted this quest, thus developing the frame of mind in which you can communicate with nonhumans. Communicate with at least three nonhumans. 

Success: 250 xp
Failure: Severe limitation in your abilities as a wizard
Accept Y/N  

Quest available: Everything Can Talk, But Some Things Are More Helpfully Talkative Than Others

Horses, marine mammals, and trees are all sapient. Talk to one member of each group.

Success: 350 xp
Failure: No idea what a tree would tell you if it could talk
Accept Y/N

"... apparently there is a wizarding language? And if I learn it and also a particular language I could talk to-- it says non humans and it definitely means at least animals and plants."

"Well, that one you should definitely accept."

"It makes it sound like I'd be a bad wizard if I didn't, so--"

Accept, accept, accept.

What are the 'self' quests?

The manual has helpfully popped up a box with a meditation description and a box with a language learning program, which he can easily dismiss. 

In the Self category:

Quest available: Massage

Give yourself a nice self-massage. 

Success: +100xp, Massage skill
Failure: Tense muscles

Accept Y/N

Quest available: Love Yourself

Normally you jerk off in five minutes because having a sexuality is embarrassing. To fulfill this quest, you must make at least a little bit of a production out of your masturbation session. Candles? Music? Making sure to select interesting pornography? Touching parts of your body other than your dick? Edging? Combining it with the Massage quest? Fantasizing about Wei Wuxian? Up to you. 

Success: +100 xp, Driving A Manual skill
Failure: Mild sexual frustration

Accept Y/N

Quest available: Clothes Make The Wizard

Buy yourself some clothes that make you smile when you look at yourself in the mirror. (HINT: Wei Wuxian may be willing to help! You may also wish to google information about 'color seasons.')

Success: +100 XP, +1 BOD
Failure: 'Fashion Disaster' status effect

Accept Y/N

Quest available: A Wizard's Home Is Their Castle

Make your home a cozy, relaxing, inviting place where you love to spend time. (HINT: Pinterest.)

Success: +200 XP
Failure: 'Decorating Disaster' status effect

Accept Y/N

Quest available: Take Yourself Out On A Date

Plan a date you would like and take yourself on it. Try your best not to feel self-conscious about eating dinner alone in public. No one is watching you.

Success: +100 XP
Failure: The One will arrange for someone to take you out on a date and they will not take no for an answer.

Accept Y/N

Quest available: Reading Is Fundamental

Read ten books, or an equivalent amount of text in shorter-form writing, that you genuinely like. Poetry counts three times as much as prose, due to its density. 

Success: +150 XP
Failure: 'Television Doesn't Necessarily Rot Your Brain' quest

Accept Y/N 

Quest available: A Journey of Self-Discovery Begins With A Single Step

Find one new thing you like that you didn't know you liked before.

Success: +250xp, +1 NOV
Failure: ???

Accept Y/N

Quest available: Fun Is A Basic Human Need

Identify no fewer than ten things you genuinely enjoy for their own sake and not to make other people happy. Make a plan to do one thing you enjoy each day. Carry out this plan for at least two weeks. 

Success: +500 XP, +1 LUV
Failure: Your poor self-care harms you in your battle against the Lone Power

Accept Y/N

Self care now having high stakes is definitely not panic inducing at all!

"It wants me to learn to massage myself," SKIPPING THAT ONE, ER DOCTOR OR NOT "get nicer clothes, make my house nice, go out to eat," because phrasing that as 'take myself on a date' is too embarassing "read some books, find a new thing I like, and do something nice for myself." At risk of imperilling the world. No pressure.

"Well, those all seem like good ideas. You can go to work tomorrow and bring in a cake, and then this weekend you can get a head start on those things and learning the Speech."

It is so many things, but at least for some of them he'll have... maybe not a lifetime, but at least a year? to try and do them all. "That's probably a good plan. --I could bake a second cake for you to take into work?" He does not say 'because you are more likely to run into sad people.'

...He should check what the Ordeal is.

"Yes. Excellent idea. Going to get in good with the nice magic entity so it gives me superpowers."

Quest available: The Ordeal

The Ordeal is a wizard's first brush with the Lone Power. Each wizard is a force for joy and love and pleasure in the world, and the Lone Power seeks to destroy them before their full potential can be realized. At its best, the Ordeal is the site of our greatest victories against the Lone Power. At its worst, people die. Not uncommonly, both occur.

In lieu of conventional success and failure criteria, the Manual presents the following advice: don't be afraid to make corrections. Don't be afraid to lend a hand. And don't look down.

This quest will begin automatically at WIZ 20.

... He's going to start that when he's closer to WIZ 20 and a) hopefully less likely to die and b) hopefully more prepared to die? And if he is extra lucky he may even be the force for joy he is meant to be.

"Hopefully it will work out?"

"Right. So I should probably leave you to study the Speech and bake cakes?"

"I shouldn't keep you too long."

She hugs Wen Ning. "You're going to do great."

He is now a wizard (of some variety?) who's tasks are objectively easy but he is still probably going to fail at. Oh, and even people of normal competence often die doing this.

...

He hugs her back.

And she departs to go nonmagically save people's lives at the emergency room.

... he has time. He can do these things one step at a time.

He can bake two cakes (and hope box mix counts for the quest) and study the Speech while they're baking.

And then he can take stock of what quests he can practically do, and the best order to do them in.

Time for some shaky definitely-not-panicked cake making!

A spell family has been created by a special action! Baking a cake has unlocked the spell family Cooking.

Info // Spells // Cooking

"Cooking" is a family of spells that makes your food, as it were, magically delicious.

Never Burns: Passive. Automatically reminds you when anything you're cooking is ready to be taken out of the oven, off the stove, etc.

Seasoning: Active. Gives the caster an intuitive sense for how to season their food in order to make it taste best. This skill only applies to spices, herbs, and similar, not to other factors that affect the taste of the food.  

And there is a series of words, presumably in the Speech, that allows him to cast Seasoning, with a thing he can press to hear the pronunciation and footnotes he can tap on for descriptions of vocabulary and grammar and how the spell can be modified for various more specific purposes.

He's going to try casting Seasoning on one of them (just in case it's possible to fail at casting them spell) and see what happens.

He is suddenly aware that it would taste better with a bit of vanilla, and the spell will tell him exactly when he needs to stop for optimal taste.

He can do that.

... This is his first spell. And it worked. He is a wizard, and he has successfully casted a spell and it is close to useful.

The manual pops up some boxes, almost as if it were being run by someone with brainfog who had totally forgot what they were supposed to be doing:

Quest complete! My Sister Knows Everything About Me

+100 XP
Increased relations with Wen Qing
No Greater Love Than This quest unlocked
New Ally!

Manual // Ally // Wen Qing

Wen Qing. She/her.
4119 Kerry Way, Bell Gardens. 
562-806-6658.
wen.qing@gmail.com
 
Wen Ning's sister.
No relations with other allies.
Linked quests: My Sister Knows Everything About Me (complete); No Greater Love Than This (accepted). 

+ Food preferences
+ Clothing preferences
+ Media preferences
+ Music preferences 
+ Hobby preferences
+ Relaxation preferences
+ Sexual preferences

You know what: good on the One for making sure he doesn't know about his sister's sex life.

And now he can (objectively?) check what she likes to eat. ... At the risk of finding out he's completely wrong.

He puts the cakes in the oven (it's a bit of a game of Tetris to get them in.)

He should probably get started on learning the Speech. He opens up the menu.

There is a little owl mascot! The little owl mascot would like to teach him how to make various phonemes. The Speech, it turns out, uses every phoneme human beings are capable of making. 

The owl mascot wishes to intersperse this with teaching him:

-Greetings and etiquette for various people he might encounter and wish to talk to.
-Emotion words.
-Food-related words.

The Speech is extremely detailed and makes a lot of fine distinctions, and it's also quite precise. There's something... correct, about its ontology. This is the way that emotions are actually divided up among humans; these are the terms for the categories of feeling that Wen Ning has. There are words here for feelings he's never quite been able to name. 

The food-related vocabulary is just as precise but perhaps in a less revelatory way. It does make him hallucinate smells and tastes so he can learn the differences.

This is too many phonemes. He's in a fight with his own mouth to make the ǂ sound.

But it makes sense if there's so many words, and so many fine distinctions.

He's going to miss the words for emotions. There is going to be a conversation where he's really going to want to use them, but no one would know what he meant.

Eventually the back of Wen Ning's brain informs him the cake is ready, ten seconds before the timer goes off.

Well, that's very convenient. He could get used to this being a wizard thing.

He pulls the cakes out, and puts them on a rack to cool.

He should probably start strategising which quests to do and in what order. He pulls up the to-do list (thank you, Wen Qing). Learning the Speech would probably work best doing a little bit each day, and the quests based on that are going to have to wait on him knowing it more.

Going on a date with himself or someone else, getting fashion advice, and getting kissed might have to wait for the weekend. (He has a plan for the kissing one. It's a stupid plan, but he doesn't have a better one.

He wants to kiss Wei Wuxian. Wei Wuxian is the person he knows who would probably be convinced by "I want to practice kissing with someone I trust but don't have feelings for." Wei Wuxian would laugh, but in a "haha what a funny plan" way and not a "haha Wen Ning is laughable"  way.)

His secret admirer may also have to wait for the weekend.

There is one quest that would be very easy to finish today. (...no pun intended.) The Love Yourself quest. ... People manage this all the time. He can do this. Even if it is incredibly awkward to imagine. And it feels mean to plan to fantasise about someone who isn't into him.

... The cakes are probably cool now. Those are less awkward to think about. Does Seasoning think he should do anything with the packet icing?

A pinch of salt and brighten it with a little vanilla!

He can do that! And now he has two iced cakes, all ready for sad people.

... He probably shouldn't be looking forward to encountering sad people, as a wizard of joy? Even if he's planning to help them?

And he should stop procrastinating on doing the Literal Easiest Quest. First step: go into the bedroom. Second step: take his clothes off.

--he probably shouldn't feel awkward and exposed being naked in his own bedroom, but, well, here he is.

He has a computer right here with which to look at porn (which is probably less embarrassing than fantasizing about Wei Wuxian). 

It would be yeah. And presumably people doing porn are okay with people... masturbating about them.

... Unless they are doing it because they need the money.

Okay, surely there are some people who are doing it for the, uh, love of the game, instead of being to.

Is "amateur porn" the words for this? Hopefully?

Yes! Here is this nice subreddit where people post naked pictures of themselves, or pictures of themselves masturbating. It is part of a whole family of subreddits catering to every imaginable body type.

That is so many subreddits. Maybe he should have expected this many, but it is just so many.

He clicks and scrolls around a bit. (Holds his own cock and half pretends he isn't, focuses on just finding the most appealing image.)

He finds one of a cute Asian man who definitely bears NO RESEMBLENCE to ANYONE HE KNOWS grinning at the camera while showing off a hard cock.

Oh, look, he crossposts to r/GoneWildSmilesGay! (There is also, of course, a version of this subreddit with women.)

It consists of happy-looking naked people, sometimes touching their genitals.

Well that seems like nice subreddit to scroll through. They all look so happy and comfortable and it's just-- pleasant.

(He's actually stroking himself now, but slowly. If the quest wants him to take his time, he will.)

And then there is a person with a very recognizable Rule 30 cellular automation sleeve tattoo. The face is cut off unless he clicks through, though. 

...okay so 'Wei Wuxian posts naked selfies for the enjoyment of the internet' is not that surprising, but it is Something To See It Happen.

Though maybe that particularly kind of sleeve is more common than he thought? Maybe a bunch of programmers have it and he just hasn't stared at their arms.

He clicks through.

Naked grinning Wei Wuxian stroking his dick!

Wen Ning now knows some things he didn't know before, such as that Wei Wuxian is uncircumcised and shaves his balls and has a perfectly average-sized dick and has flowering vines tattooed on his pubic area.

... The vines are a surprise. (He'd have to go to a tattoo parlour and ask for those, get mostly naked for someone to ink those, all so he could have vines next to his dick.)

He should click away. This is probably breaking some boundary or another. ...but Wei Wuxian took this photo deliberately. Put it up deliberately, knowing what people would probably do with it.

It's fine. He doesn't need to look away.

+1 LUV for jerking off to your crush's nudes!

ONE DAY THAT WILL NOT BE STARTLING ANYMORE

... If the One thinks it's fine, thinks it makes him more loving, then it has to be fine.

It's not like he's ever going to know.

(He's definitely not picturing Wei Wuxian finding out and being totally fine with it, maybe even offering to show him in person--)

Maybe it's not even a sex thing, maybe he's just open and free and happy and confident enough that he can show you because it'd make you happy--

That's just true though, that he is that happy and free and friendly and the sort of person who tattoos vines next to his penis.

Wen Ning could ask and he wouldn't even be bothered by him asking, he might even Wen Ning can imagine him saying 'yes.'

Of course he'd say yes, and then he'd ask if there was anything else Wen Ning wanted, if there was anything he was curious about and wanted to touch...

He would-- and maybe he would find what he asked him for amusing, but he wouldn't say no or laugh at him. He could kiss him or touch him or--

(He's close. It's been more than five minutes, but not that much more.)

It's maybe unrealistic to imagine that Wei Wuxian might want him.

But it's not unrealistic at all to imagine that Wei Wuxian might be kind.

He might not want him but-- kindness is enough. He'll take kindness and whatever Wei Wuxian would be willing to give to anyone.

(He wants so much, it's hard to even picture it.)

There's this picture here, though, to help him picture it, a picture of Wei Wuxian smiling at him and looking at him with desire--

It's very nice of him to take that picture, so everyone who finds it can see him looking at them like that, like he's so happy and wants them so much.

Orgasm hits him hard. It doesn't feel that physically different, but it's different in his head. He feels relaxed but also like he did the emotional equivalent of trying to run a four minute mile.

Quest complete! Love Yourself

+100 XP
Driving a Manual spell

Manual // Spells // Driving a Manual

This family of spells aids you in pleasuring yourself and other people by touching their dicks, cunts, asses, or other more exotic arrangements. 

Unerring Intuition: Active. If you know that someone intends to have sex with you, you can cast this spell to gain an intuitive sense of in what way they like their dick, cunt, ass, etc to be touched. 

This is followed by some more words in the Speech.

You have leveled up! You have five unallocated stat points. 

He's braced for the purple boxes this time.

This would be a very useful spell, if he ever had occasion to use it.

...he could increase his chance to use it by increasing his SED. He probably shouldn't put all of his points into it yet, he should leave some for WIZ-- except the sooner he levels WIZ, the sooner he faces the ordeal.

He grabs a penny. Heads, he splits his points between WIZ and SED; tails, he just puts it into SED.

It lands in heads.

He puts three points in SED and 2 in WIZ.

The Erogame leaves him alone until next morning. 

So he's actually going to have to go into work today. As a wizard. Who has seen one of his co-workers naked.

If anyone asks why Wen Qing called in sick for him... He's going to say she was worried he was concussed. That seems like a reasonable explanation, and hopefully people won't question why he is back after a day.

He gets dressed, eats a breakfast of several granola bars, and leaves early to drop one of the cakes off at Wen Qing's apartment, before heading in to Wen Corp.

Lan Wangji is standing quietly at the entrance of Wen Corp.

It's probably unfair to describe Lan Wangji as "terrifyingly competent". He's definitely competent; the terrifying might just be a Wen Ning thing.

"H-hi."

"Hi."

Lan Wangji actually just said words to him! Technically he asked for this! Aaaaaaaa.

He holds out the tupperware container. "I made a cake. W-would you like some?" Look at him, socialising like some sort of successful person.

"Yes."

He takes a slice of cake and eats it impassively. 

One piece down, seven to go.

Lan Wangji is so blank faced that he has no idea how he feels about this cake. Presumably Seasoning hasn't lead him astray, but he has no clue. (He never has any clue with Lan Wangji.)

"It's good," Lan Wangji produces.

"T-thank you?"

He stands silently with his now crumb-covered empty plate.

Should-- should he take the plate? He's going to take the plate.

Now he stands silently without any sort of plate, crumb-covered or otherwise.

Cool! Cool. "I'll, uh, see you round?"

And he very calmly flees to the kitchen. (Lan Wangji is like talking to a brick wall that might be angry with you.) He puts up a post it note sign next to the cake: "Some cake to brighten your day. Feel free to take a slice."

Lan Wangji presumably has some business in the kitchen because he follows Wen Ning there.

"Heyyyyy, a-Ning-- OOH CAKE."

There's lots of reasons he might be in the kitchen. Maybe he's making himself a cup of tea or something (and definitely not following him.)

Wen Ning is a master of neutral facial expressions-- or, well, slightly panicked facial expressions. But Wei Wuxian has no way to know it's because he has recently seen him naked or, uh, done anything with this information. "Hi, there is some cake."

"How many slices can I have."

Seven. "One."

He makes puppy-dog eyes. "Three?"

But he has a quest! Even if Wen Qing is helping!

"I can bring in some more cake on another day?"

"a-Ning, you have broken my heart." He collects one slice of cake. "I am bereft. You are a cruel, cruel man. I will have to take to sea."

"I-I'm sorry."

He throws an arm around Wen Ning's shoulder. "It's a joke, a-Ning, lighten up."

They are making physical contact, a thing they regularly and that has no particular meaning. "I will get you some more cake."

"But I don't WANT it if you're just going to GIVE it to me."

"I-i will make a cake and then not let you have it unless you can successfully steal it?"

"Oh man, that would be great. Can there be PUZZLES. I want there to be LOGIC PUZZLES. And those things with the lasers where you have to sneak through them."

Quest available: Security Professional Enrichment Activity

Bake a cake, put it in a dungeon, and protect it from Wei Wuxian with logic puzzles and that cool laser thing. (NOTE: WIZ 50 and/or Home Base are recommended before completing this quest.)

Success: 50 xp - 50,000 xp depending on the elaborateness of the dungeon; increased relations with Wei Wuxian
Failure: The cake is a lie
Accept Y/N

"I don't think I can do lasers but I could probably do a scavenger hunt?"

"I love you. You're the best friend ever. Dinner tonight?"

"S-sure?" Alas, this will probably not count as someone taking him on a date, even if he would really like it to.

"It's a date!" Wei Wuxian says, unhelpfully.

"Is it someone's birthday?"

... He's going to live in hope and accept the quest anyway. He can always try again. (Probably?)

"Oh, I just-- decided to make a cake for fun? And there was no way I was eating a whole cake."

"Thank you," Lev says. 

The cake doesn't seem to make him actually happy but then Lev always comes off kind of miserable-looking.

Quest available: Autogynephilia

Lev Aarons desperately wants to be a girl. Convince him that he totally can be a girl if he wants to. 

Success: +1000 XP, new Ally
Failure: new Ally, 'Contagious Depression' status effect
Accept Y/N  

Cake is a powerful thing, but not that powerful. It's not surprising, really. "You're welcome."

... Also, how is he meant to help with that? ... He's a wizard, that makes him qualified. He'll think about it, and he'll try.

Lev goes miserably off to his desk before Wei Wuxian can start doing something antisocial like asking him questions."

That's fair enough, Wei Wuxian is A Lot.

... He's going to have to work out how to convince someone as shy as him to be the person they want to be, presumably through having conversations.

He is contentedly eating his cake. 

Quest available: GoneWildSmilesWenNing

Take a naked picture of yourself and post it on a GoneWild subreddit.

Success: +1 BOD, 500 XP, Online Presence unlocked
Failure: Public embarrassment
Accept Y/N

He would like points for not visibly startling at surprise screens only he can see.

... That is very much an action he could take. He could do that. And so far the One's quests have been Sensible Sister Approved ideas, so it probably wouldn't turn out too badly? He'll... Think about it.

Lan Wangji has just been standing there, saying nothing. He should make sure he's included in the conversation. "Do you, uh, have any plans?"

"No."

"He's going to get railed."

"That is not an appropriate conversation for a work environment."

"Super railed."

Wei Wuxian probably does not have outside information on his sex life?

"I, uh, hope it's an enjoyable nothing?"

"Mn."

"Cake!"

Quest available: Bags of Sand

Margot Dubbin is thirty-nine years old and her birthday is in three weeks. She's quite horny, but even gender ratios aren't that much in your favor if you can't maintain a conversation about anything except programming and early-generation My Little Ponys. Make sure she doesn't turn into a forty-year-old virgin.

Success: 750 XP, a birthday party invitation
Failure: A very sad birthday party invitation
Accept Y/N

... He's not entirely sure how to go about this. He is willing, as a virgin slightly more than half her age, to help a fellow traveler. He is very capable of smiling and nodding about My Little Pony. He's just not sure how to turn that into a solution to her problem?

He'll accept the quest, anyway. (And Lev's as well, why not.)

"Feel free to take a slice."

"Thank you."

"a-Ning I have an important question."

"Y-yes?"

"Why doesn't anyone at this company talk?"

"It's not that I'm speaking Chinese! I'm nearly one hundred percent confident we're all speaking English. Although sometimes I do forget."

"B-because talking isn't working and we're here to work? Also we are talking here right now. I guess."

"No no no we're building team rapport, a-Ning. It's good for the company."

"None of us are on the same team."

"If you like me you'll be more likely to change your passwords."

"Mn."

"Yeah, that's fair, your password is probably 'password123' just to annoy me."

"I change my password every three months. Each is a line from a poem I memorized as a child."

"Oh, you are getting railed this weekend. The boys go wild for proper password security."

"Until grad school my password was the name of my favorite She-Ra character."

"You? You are not getting railed. Poor password security practices and grad school. Not even She-Ra can save you."

"I-I won't say anything about my password to make guessing harder." (He's working his way through 'Bullet With Butterfly Wings," except only every 6 months when the company computer system makes him change it.)

If he was a better person, he'd point out cross-team rapport might prevent you from sexually harassing someone in front of a member of HR, except said HR person is too shy to say anything.

"Good boy."

Please do not sexually harass the HR person. This is not that. Any feelings about this are him being weird and Having Reactions around Wei Wuxian generally. He's pretty sure he means it non-sexually anyway (... How would it even be sexual?)

"Uhthankyou."

No one can notice he's turning bright red if he's fighting with the coffee machine.

"I wonder what percentage of people in this conversation are queer. I'm bi, as we all learned from my extremely cool and fashionable rainbow getup last June 28--"

"I'm bi, I think?"

"Straight."

He could very much say he is bi. At least two people in this conversation have said that, to no immediate I'll affect. "I-I think I need to check behind the couch cushions."

"All the pretty ones are ace."

Shit, FUCK.

HE MEANT TO BE VAGUE AND SAID SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

AND MANAGED TO CONVINCE WEI WUXIAN HE WASN'T INTERESTED.

"I mean I'm not sure, not that I-- don't," he says into his coffee.

Pat pat Wen Ning's shoulder. "It's okay not to be sure whether you're ace or not. Maybe you're gray-asexual! There are a lot of identities."

The coffee is his only ally in this conversation because it isn't asking awkward questions.

"Gay."

"What? No you're not. You are way too fundamentally lame to be gay."

"Demisexual and gay."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT DEMISEXUAL MEANS."

"You wrote a pamphlet for Wen Ning for Pride month."

"NO ONE READS THOSE."

"I read all my emails."

"No one who is as lame as Lan Wangji is allowed to be gay. Gays can't maintain inbox zero. We're all losers who hate their dads, can't drive, and can't calculate tips even though we have a PhD in math."

"The universal queer PhD in math." 

"Don't say 'queer.' It's horrifying to hear you say 'queer.'"

"I-i think it's fine for anyone to be whatever sexuality they are, regardless of their email habits or skill at math." Because he should at least make an attempt at being a good HR person.

"You're very cute. We should all go do work."

"W-we should."

And hopefully payroll has not exploded in a way that is his fault.

Payroll has not exploded in a way that is his fault! Mostly because he doesn't so much have "job" "responsibilities."

"Hello! You're done working now," Wei Wuxian announces at 4:35pm. 

Yeah, he's mostly decorative.

And as someone who is mostly decorative, he can leave half an hour early. "I am doing working now," he says as he shuts down his computer.

"Do you have any plans for where we're going?"

"Go to my house, order in Ethiopian-- uh, I forgot why you're coming over--"

"Because you invited me? --I c-could come up with something, if you want?" This is a bad strategy, but it's the one he has.

"Oh, I just didn't know if we had plans, and then I was going to forget about them, and then at eleven you'd be like 'Wei Wuxian, what about the parcheesi, I wanted to play parcheesi' and I would be like 'oh shit we were GOING to do that.' --We shouldn't play parcheesi. I don't know what it is and am not entirely sure that it isn't some form of delicious snack."

"I think it's a game? But I do not know it either and we shouldn't do it."

"Right. So do you have any ideas other than not playing parcheesi?"

"...I have two ideas, one of which is sort of good and one of which is actually bad?" Please pick the bad one.

"Let's head out of the office and then you can tell me both."

And out of the office they go.

"The good idea is that I want to wear clothes the are less--" he gestures at himself and the Office Appropriate but Uninspiring button up and slacks "-- and you know how clothes work and you could give me advice."

Okay, Wen Ning, you can do this. "The bad idea is-- you know the thing I, uh, mentioned this morning. I want to empirically test it, and thought maybe we could uh, be kissing partners and try it out. At least once? The kissing, I mean." Behold the power of SED 7, and thank the mercy of the One that we did not see SED 2.

Walk walk walk to the train. "Oh, that's a great idea, a-Ning! I haven't kissed anybody either."

"...you haven't?" How did those photos end up on the internet then??? Not that you need to have kissed to put naked selfies on the internet*, but-- there's an order to these things.

*Source: he was for want of a dinner invite about to maybe become one of those people.

"Yeah, I never really got around to it, I guess?" he says, as if never having kissed anyone is like always intending to travel to Peru but never quite having the opportunity to plan the vacation.

"I mean, same here, mostly? Just-- I don't know. You seemed like someone who would ask?"

"But I think kissing you would be great! For practice. So we know our stuff when we make out with the people we want to make out with."

"--For practice." He hopes he doesn't sound too, uh, hopeful.

"I'm a terrible person to buy clothes with, that's why I only ever wear black and red, but you know who's a great person to buy clothes with is my best friend Nie Huaisang."

He's onto something with the red and black though, at least for him. "Would they be willing to help a stranger?"

"Oh, yeah. But they're kind of a lot though," Wei Wuxian says without a trace of irony.

That is honestly very impressive of them. "If they're willing to help, I'd really appreciate that."

"Have you decided whether you're going to help me with pentesting?" Wei Wuxian says, cheerfully oblivious to the fact that the answer has been "yes, and I decided 'no'" for two years.

It would make him happy, is the thing. "I still don't think I'd be very good at it?"

"All you have to do is look sweet and innocent and earnest and like someone should let you in to someplace you definitely shouldn't be. You'd be great at it."

"I think I'd look less earnest and more like those terrified bank robbers with the notes?"

Wei Wuxian takes this as an opportunity to tell a long, rambling story about his day at work. One of the advantages of being friends with Wei Wuxian is that he produces most of his own conversation.

It's very convenient, and means Wen Ning can spend most of the walk to the train and the ride panicking about a) he is about to kiss someone for the first time and b) the person he is kissing hasn't kissed anyone before, either. Neither of them know what they are doing!

How difficult can it be! Normal people do it all the time and they're all idiots, is what Wei Wuxian would have said, if Wen Ning had given him any hint that this dilemma was happening.

Which is part of why he's not saying anything, especially on a train. He's just smiling and nodding at the story of how once again cryptography saved the day.

This conversation has wandered off into anecdotes about the Enigma machine!

He knows slightly more about the Enigma machine, because this is not the first time it has come up, and can make semi-sensible comments about it.

--Wei Wuxian has known him since they were twelve. Wei Wuxian has never kissed.

Wen Ning lives in hope and accepts the secret admirer quest.

They get to Wei Wuxian's house, he orders some Ethiopian food (maximally spicy for him and only uncomfortably spicy for Wen Ning), and says, "so, do you want to make out?"

"Y-yes?" He scoots closer on the couch, in anticipation.

Wei Wuxian does kissing the way that he does everything else, which is to say that he pounces on Wen Ning and starts to kiss him with tremendous ferocity and enthusiasm. He has no idea what he's doing but he does NOT intend to let that stop him. 

Enthusiasm is pretty good substitute for knowing what you're doing in this. Means he doesn't have to work out what he's doing. 

Presumably hugging while making out is allowed? And he can put his arms around Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian thinks hugging is allowed!

He also thinks that putting his hands in Wen Ning's hair and pulling it is allowed.

Ow, but also, sure?

All right fine if Wen Ning doesn't like it then hair-pulling is NOT allowed then.

Unfortunately he is not a perfect kissing partner. (Yet?)

Are tight hugs an acceptable substitute? Or his hand in Wei Wuxian's hair (but not pulling)?

Wiggle wiggle wiggle happy noises.

Wei Wuxian's hair can get very played with, then.

Wei Wuxian thinks he should kiss Wen Ning's face. And his nose. And his forehead. And his neck. 

Just, you know, to get the whole practice-kissing experience.

It is very important that he knows how he feels about kisses in all places. For Science.

He would be helping Wei Wuxian experience Science as well, except he's got a bit distracted by his jaw. (It's a very high quality jaw, is the thing.)

Wei Wuxian's current scientific effort appears to be "can he devour Wen Ning's entire neck as a snack before the Ethiopian arrives"?

Signs seem to point to "yes, and it's fun," but they could do with a larger sample size.

(He probably could fit all of Wei Wuxian's neck in his mouth, but that would probably be disturbing.)

A text goes off on Wei Wuxian's phone. 

"...Shit, the food."

Making out is more important than food though.

He disentangles himself enough to answer the door.

Quest complete! You have completed the quest 'Sweet Twenty-Four and Never Been Kissed.'

250 XP
+1 SED

Quest available: Lose Your Virginity

It's pretty simple! Touch someone else until you, they, or both come. Or multiple people if you're ambitious. 

Success: +500 XP, improved relations with ???
Failure: 'Technical Virgin' status effect

He will live in hope and accept the quest.

And also accept the food.

Wei Wuxian has stripped off his shirt and pants and is lying on the couch in his suspiciously stained underwear. 

The tips of the vines emerge from the top of the underwear.

Well, he can be mostly naked and also have a curry.

And hopefully Wen Ning can work out how to explain the Reddit thing. ('Telling your partner you have already seen them naked' seems like the ethical thing to do? Even if it is incredibly awkward.)

"I think it's more comfortable not to wear clothes," Wei Wuxian announces.

"That's understandable," he says, very much still wearing clothes.

For a few minutes he devours his curry and then:

"You," he says, gesturing with a fork, his mouth full of curry, "are so hot."

"I'm glad you think so? You're-- veryhottoo."

"Of course I am," Wei Wuxian says, displaying his mouthful of half-chewed chickpea to the world. "Everyone knows that. But I think you might not know that you're hot, so I'm telling you. Just, like, platonically. As a friend. A bro."

"I, uh, appreciate it? As a friend."

Is taking off his shirt a kind of flirtation? Only one way to find out.

He swallows. "See? You have a six pack. Do I have a six pack? Of course not. I am emaciated because I eat, like, one meal a day and not even an intentional diet thing I just keep forgetting."

+1 BOD for voluntarily taking your shirt off where someone can see you.

"--do you want me to remind you?"

He stops, his spoon halfway to his mouth. 

"...did you just shapeshift."

...BOD is physically visible, isn't it. "W-which answer do you want?"

"Wen Ning! That is not a question to which you give the answer I want!"

"The real and detailed answer sounds crazy."

"WHAT ABOUT ME SAYS I DON'T WANT CRAZY ANSWERS! WHY CAN YOU SHAPESHIFT!"

"I'm a wizard? And apparently all I need to do to improve my body is to take my shirt off in front of someone? --I did not expect to shapeshift right now."

"Well! Do it again!"

"I-i don't think I can just repeatedly put my shirt on and off to do it?" ...he does know a way he probably can do it. "If I get nude, and you take a photo and put it on the internet, I am 90% sure I will shapeshift again."

"What. Why do you have exhibitionism magic. --Wait, picture first, explanation second."

"It's spreading joy magic?" he says as he fights his way out of his trousers and underwear. Technically the quest specified it as him taking the photo and it ending up on a GoneWild subreddit, but this presumably has to count?

He does his best not to look surprised and tense and like he just talked himself into it. He smiles. (That's easier. Wei Wuxian's smile is infectious.)

Wei Wuxian's smile is hysterical and somewhat manic. "Okay so I have my phone camera and I'm going to snap a picture-- does it have to be a good one-- you have a great cock, by the way, have you always had a great cock or is this a magic thing--"

"I'd like it to be good? And I have no idea, I haven't exactly compared it?" Or more accurately, he assumed it was deeply unnatractive, but apparently he is too pessimistic and 'should think nice things about himself' sometimes.

"Okay. But you look at porn, right?"

"... Not until yesterday."

"What??? WHY?!"

"Because when I was younger there would be hell to pay if I got caught and then when I was older I was worried about exploiting people? And then yesterday I found. Certain subreddits." If Wei Wuxian can pick up on the implication here, that would be very convenient.

"Okay, so, what do you get off to? Hentai? Incredibly fucked-up hentai?"

"Not really? I, uh, did that mostly so I wasn't distracted and not so much for fun. Until I became a wizard."

"Wen Niiiiiiiiing," Wei Wuxian says, sounding physically pained. "Wen Ning. I am going to send you my porn collection. It has categories."

"You can if you want to, but you don't have to? I have, uh, definitely found the subreddits."

"Wen Niiiiing! There is more than just pictures of naked men on the Internet!"