The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

It's true, though. If I'm the only person with skull implants, I'll feel happier about having them.

You'd be the only person with Minkai-inspired armor.

That's special.

We don't have the shared cultural context that might be necessary to explain why it feels weird for an Avistani to want to dress me up in Minkai-style armor like I'm a rare collector's item.

You are a rare collector's item, though? Like my elf, gnome, nymph, and dhampir.

Nymph?

Abducted from her forest bower, because I had to see for myself if the rumors were true.

Also, I thought she'd lose her spells if I dressed her in the armor, but she didn't, so I'm still looking for a proper druid.

She is satisfyingly miserable about being a jackbooted thug under the effects of geas/quest, though.

We never established that you could cast that spell.

Well, maybe Togomor cast it, then, or maybe I don't have a nymph yet.

I don't want to be an example of a category, that you caught to round out your pokedex.

You definitely don't need to worry about that! You're one of a kind to me, irreplaceable.

It's like... if I'd stepped into Viridian Forest and found a shiny pikachu. I'm not going to go looking for another pikachu after that one, but that doesn't mean I only caught it because it was a pikachu.

Honestly, I don't want for there to be people who you think of as examples of categories, and abduct to round out your pokedex.

There are a great many things which you don't want me to be or do.

You already knew I was Evil.

What's number thirty-four?

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

Because then you're fair game for a non-karmic death, right.

What's number thirty-five?

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

Modern depictions of Asmodeus don't usually have Him in a goatee anyway, they give Him whatever style is presently fashionable.

This isn't really applicable to me, though, so, what's thirty-six?

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

Can you give the key to someone who runs the day-to-day operations of the prison? 

If you're fine with them dying the ignominious death of a quirky miniboss. 

Great. Okay, apparently I'm a prison warden now.

...And it's a job with a commute, because I can't imprison them under the castle because that breaks rule ten! 

I hope that you appreciate the fact that following all of these rules will require me to re-imagine how prisons work from pretty much the ground up.

What's rule thirty-seven?

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

What if he's lying? Are you supposed to believe him then?

You could ask someone else for their take, or use detect thoughts, or check how the battle's going for yourself.

I really need a Medallion of Thoughts.

Aren't those like 12,000 gp? And the DC is 13? And you can already cast the spell?