The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

"Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job,"

Alright. I'll keep this one in mind, too.

What's twenty-five?

Another sci-fi trope:

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

Isn't it a good thing to have your construct or castle or whatever be as indestructible as you can manage? If the only vulnerable part is virtually inaccessible, that seems like you're doing a pretty good job.

The thing you want to avoid is having one part which, if the heroes can hit it once, will cause the whole thing to shut down or dramatically explode. Because they'll manage to hit that part, no matter how difficult or implausible that is. It's better to have a less indestructible construct across its entire body, if it doesn't have any specific weak points, if that's a tradeoff that you're able to make.

I'll warn Togomor; he's the one who has the feat for crafting constructs. 

What's twenty-six?

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

What if you're attracted to them in part or in whole because they're desperate to kill you, and by definition you can't get that vitamin from someone who isn't?

Well, it's not like I've ever had any difficulty getting people in the mood... okay, but, what if you're attracted to them in part or in whole because they're dangerous and defiant and desperate to kill you and you don't want to just suggest Sabina into the right headspace because a) that'd be play-acting (not that there's anything wrong with play-acting) and b) what if she successfully killed you because you didn't have Sabina on hand to keep the dangerous member of the rebellion from killing you? 

No, none of this even gets at my real complaint. My real complaint is that people just aren't fungible goods. If I'm besotted with, take a random example, and this is a wild hypothetical here, you, I don't think "oh, but there's probably someone who's just as attractive." They aren't you. And I want you. If someone else is "equally attractive," that just means I want her too. 

When you say that about me it makes me feel all warm inside.

But then I remember everyone else that you're talking about, see, and that doesn't make me happy at all.

Words and air, you don't care all that deeply. And you won't, not unless I do something to make it personal. 

I'll always oppose villainy when I see it.

That's the role you're playing. And you enjoy it! But it's only a game.

The audience - that's you - is more sympathetic towards people with distinguishing characteristic. 

My victims aren't real to you the way that I am, or the way they are to me. They're nameless NPCs. 

You only care about them in aggregate, or for the effect that they have on the people who really matter. 

This is one of the more meta attempts an NPC has made to seduce me to the side of evil.

But it won't work. I'm Lawful Good. And you're right: I do enjoy it. 

I think you'd also enjoy being Evil, though. You could give me advice on tropes and just enjoy it without feeling conflicted, if you redefined success.

And you could be my secret agent and pass on reports about your group. Have you ever gotten to play the undercover evil party member who betrays the others? I'm speaking for the GM here when I say that it's totally cool with me.

Are you actually speaking for the GM there.

Of course.

...No you're not. 

You can't prove that.

Does passing reports on her friends seem in-character for Hasagi Choryon to you? 

I think we could find an in-character justification for Choryon, if you thought you'd find it fun!

And you would find it fun.

I'd make sure of that.

I wouldn't want you to grow deficient in the vitamin you only get from fucking people who desperately want you dead. You're sending me mixed signals, Queen. Do you want me a dangerous and defiant member of the rebellion, or do you want me as your evil dragon? 

Either?

From the first moment I saw you and saw you looking - looking straight through everyone like you'd just as soon murder as talk to us, I've wanted to see all the ways you could break or all the things you could grow into.

(That 'or' is inclusive.)

I'll grudgingly settle for only living one life with you.

You've got a really unique angle on seducing me to evil and I want to take five minutes and think up an equally unique angle on seducing you to good.

Was that a request that I spend the next five minutes distracting you?

It was not.