The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

first-through-the-door

One-Armed Man: I've been looking for you for eight months. Whenever I should have had a gun in my right hand, I thought of you. Now I find you in exactly the position that suits me. I had lots of time to learn to shoot with my left.
[Tuco kills him with the gun he has hidden in the foam of his bubble bath]
Tuco: When you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.
— The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Villains frequently find themselves in conundrums that could easily be solved by finding the right person and putting a bullet in the offender's head. But for whatever reason, some villains continue to refrain from taking the pragmatic approach and won't put said bullet in said offender's head.

There may or may not be some Watsonian/in-story justification for this failure to take the direct approach. However, the Doylist/real-life explanation can always boil down to "because if he did just shoot him, the story would be much shorter and the bad guys would win."

From "TV Tropes: Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?"

Crown-of-Fangs

This doesn't change that sometimes a clean death is too good for someone.

first-through-the-door

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Crown-of-Fangs

first-through-the-door

Hey, 'Leosa, remember what happened when you tried to publicly execute Trinia Sabor?

Oh, and I've read that they changed what happened with Marcus Endrin in the remaster, I don't know the particulars but I'm guessing that since Paizo loves to see you succeed any changes they made are sure to go your way.

Crown-of-Fangs

Crown-of-Fangs

Suppose that she takes Item Number Four under (grudging) advisement.

What's number five?

first-through-the-door

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

Crown-of-Fangs

Is it permissible to wear said object on your person?

first-through-the-door

Is that necessary for it to function?

Crown-of-Fangs

Suppose, hypothetically, that it is.

first-through-the-door

In that case it might be unavoidable.

What about the item which is your one weakness?

Crown-of-Fangs

Within the grim fastness of haunted Scarwall, where the lifeless legions of the ancient warlord Kazavon guard the same accursed halls they've stalked for more than 700 years. To find it you'd have to cross forsaken Belkzen to reach to reach the citadel's dreaded gates, explore the foul castle's haunted halls, contend with otherworldly terrors, and purge the taint of Kazavon's final days before having any hope of finally breaking the Curse of the Crimson Throne. Skeletons of Scarwall is an adventure for 12th-level characters and alright, fine, you win, she'll go fetch the stupid fucking sword and stash it with the Bank of Abadar.

Happy?

What's number six.

first-through-the-door

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

Crown-of-Fangs

In Chellish literature gloating over your enemies' predicament before you kill them is, like, half of the book. And it usually goes fine.

first-through-the-door

I think you should assume that, meta-narratively, Chellish literature exists to sabotage you.

Crown-of-Fangs

What's number seven. Lay it on her.

first-through-the-door

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

Crown-of-Fangs

What's even the point of being an evil overlord if you can't cut faces, can't dole out fates worse than death, can't gloat, and can't even explain your genius.

At that point what's left?

Is the next thing on this list "I'll keep taxes low and avoid foreign entanglements"? Was the "evil overlord" who wrote this made an empowered priest of Abadar while the ink was still wet?

first-through-the-door

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

Crown-of-Fangs

...

She hates this, but she can see the reason in it.

Nine?

first-through-the-door

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

Crown-of-Fangs

Do self-destruct mechanisms come up very often?

first-through-the-door

Nah, in our genre when everything starts exploding or caving in it's usually because a magic item was removed from its place of power rather than out of any deliberate choice anyone made.

Crown-of-Fangs