The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

Did you ever hear what happened to King Eodred of Korvosa?

...You do have a point.

What did I say earlier? 'It's probably wise, if you find yourself saying that someone you killed should have taken some word or other of advice, to take it yourself, lest someone later say it of you.'

What's eighty-four?

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I guess I'll make a note to hire more male prison guards... 

Eighty-five?

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

What if there aren't any buttons you can push to get the thing that you hope to get through the horribly complicated plan? I believe in tying off loose ends and in nailing down everything that shouldn't be moving, in simplifying everything that can be simplified, but at the end of the day I've still got to operate the ancient artifact and complete the rituals and satisfy all the people I need to keep happy and abide by the terms of everything I've signed.

If there was a button to press which would make immortal and almighty, I'd press it, but there isn't.

Hmmm. Starstone?

That's a button that kills you and eats your soul. I only play the lottery if it's rigged in my favor - not just from practicality; it's a moral principle.

Oh, speaking of which! I should host a lottery in Korvosa to raise money for my magic swag. 

I'll swear publicly under truth-telling that the prize will go to someone truly random. 

Wait, what happened to your moral principle? 

I won't buy a ticket. What's eighty-six?

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

Grounded?

It's a safety precaution for doomsday devices which run off electricity, but not really relevant to you.

Even if it won't come up, I still want to hear about it; this is fascinating to me.

I'd generally associate electric doomsday devices with the sky, like the Cloud Castle of the Storm King.

Why do you want them on the ground instead?

Similar to how heat wants to move from hotter places to colder places until everything is the same lukewarm temperature, electricity wants to move from places with a lot of electricity to places without much electricity until everything has the same low charge. Especially, electricity wants a path to the ground, because the ground can absorb and disperse a lot of electricity. If there's room for something or someone to get between the electricity and the ground, it might move through them to get there.

Huh.

I guess that makes sense of why storms shoot lightning bolts down at us instead of up into the sky above and in all directions, which is a question I never thought to ask.