The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

There are not words.

I'm going to apply the hundred lessons of the Evil Overlord List.

Your homework is to conquer some large or valuable part of planet Earth.

...I'm not conquering planet Earth.

Then thwart a villain! Liberate a city! Spend your fortune on masterwork equipment and magic gear and go do something that matters more than selling shoes!

By the Pit, Choryon, how do you want history to remember you??

"Died aged ninety-eight, played a lot of games"?

Shut your mouth.

You're forcing Will saves from me.

...We're going to talk about this later. 

What's item seventy-one on the Evil Overlord List?

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

What kind of idiot wouldn't?!

That sounds like something you'd only do to deliberately create an opportunity for drama.

Seventy-two?

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

Rule seventy-two is a special case of rule one hundred and one, which is "keep your Sense Motive ranked."

Seventy-three?

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

Hm. I can imagine scenarios where I would have agreed to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, if my advisors assured me it was impossible to win, and I hadn't read this rule. Like if they'd promised in turn to do something for me if they lost or something.

I'll keep this one in mind in case it ever comes up. 

Seventy-four?

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

Oh gods, my desk is a total mess. 

I'm definitely in violation of the spirit of this one.

How total of a mess are we talking, here?

We're talking, and here I quote, "the PCs can use this information to not only prove the depths of [Ileosa's] cruelty, but also to answer any yet-unanswered questions about earlier events in the campaign as you see fit." 

Did you take notes on a criminal fucking conspiracy?

I have a Type A personality! Notes help me stay organized!!

Okay, that's pretty bad, but at least when the PCs find it there's only revelatory info about what happened in the past and nothing on your future plans.

No, in addition to my journals and revenge diary and first-drafts of all the letters and memos I've written, I've also left the ancient tome with my immortality ritual in it, replete with all the grisly details of the human sacrifice and where you'd have to travel if you want to stop me from following through. 

I'm going to be real with you.

That doesn't sound like the kind of ancient tome you're supposed to leave on your desk when you aren't actively reading it.

Truths of the Sihedron is such a giant fucking book, though. We're talking about a 'lift with your knees, not your back' kind of book here. We're talking about a book penned eight-thousand years ago by a Large-sized outsider with 24 Strength.

I didn't want to always be lugging it around.

At least if the book's so big it might be hard for us to figure out which part is important?

"The book contains seven chapters, one for each Runelord, but the chapter on Runelord Sorshen has been heavily glossed in Ileosa's delicate penmanship."