The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

To be clear, I don't think you shared anything evil about yourself just now, unless you were a lot older at the time than I was assuming.

I think you described something evil that was done to you. 

I assure you that no one forced me to furtively neck with the furniture.

That was a 24 carat Ileosa Arvanxi decision. 

You shouldn't have been in that situation to begin with.

I think your sympathy is wildly misplaced.

You know, if you were Good - instead of just pretending - instead of focusing on your Evil friend, you'd be asking what happened to the celestial.

Is - are they alive?

Probably not.

I could ask Togomor to check.

Please do.

I really should, shouldn't I.

The next time that Togomor's in, I'll ask him to check.

And if she is, and she's still on the Material, I'll have him banish her back to Elysium.

-

And bring her right back with planar binding.

That seems gratuitously cruel.

Why?

Well, she was my first kiss. I'm never going to have another one of those. I want to get to know her.

If I let her slip through my fingers and get used to Elysium again, she'd form memories too long to alter with magic, and if at any point in the future I decided that I wanted to do something with her I'd be starting as her abductor instead of as her rescuer. As I anticipate things, I'll give a planar binding that lets her move and talk, pay for her healing and regeneration, give her free run of a villa outside Korvosa, and always modify her memory immediately after doing anything that hurts her.

Of course, she's probably dead and this conversation is purely academic. Or, if she's ridiculously lucky, she's whole and hale in Elysium, where I'd leave her, since it's as safe a place as any to store a memento for when I have time to reminisce. Still, hope springs eternal.

If Elysium is fine, why not send her there if she's on the Material?

The first thing I'd like to do with a simulacrum of myself is talk to her for a million years. I'd read her mind, and let her read mine. An Ileosa would get me. She might fear me, or hate me, but she wouldn't refuse to look at me, wouldn't turn away. 

...Well, that's the hope, anyway. I don't know for certain how it'd work in practice.

I'm sorry for being a poor listener.

I'm going to try and do better going forward, and hear you out without leaping to judgement. 

Mmhmm.

So... what would you do with your simulacrum?

Well, I'd have seven, so, that's at least seven things we could do!

I'd want at least one of them in armor. And if I had heavy armor fitted to me, I'd probably want to try it on, at which point we might as well have two suits of armor at which point we might as well have two of them armored up.

Personally, I think I'd feel ridiculous if I were wearing armor I couldn't easily cast in, but that's because I'd have to make the choice to put it on. She'd feel humiliated, which is a much sexier variety of embarrassment - at least, when it's happening to someone other than me. I'd want to knife her face up too, and maybe put her through the Gray Maiden training, although I'm worried that simulacra are hard to heal and also her Str score would not be very high. Unless I wished mine up and got a template before I made the simulacra and gave her a belt, maybe... at any rate, I'd want to break at least one of them down and turn her into my worshipful servant. Probably at least two, so I can have one who's a warrior-type and one who's domestic.

We could sing harmony, and play different instruments, and dress up in all kinds of outfits. And talk about books, or write books. You know, I used to want to write romance novels - I gave up the dream because it seemed too dangerous in Westcrown, and I'm too busy being a despot here, plus, Cheliax doesn't allow imports, so they'd never sell. But I'd enjoy reading them! It'd be great. 

I'd want to put a helm of opposite alignment on one of them and see what I'm like as a Chaotic Good, and whether it's fun to make a CG Ileosa cry, and see how she gets along with you and Sabina.

I might feed one an elixir of sex shifting and force her to live as a man, although I'd have to be careful that she doesn't knock up any of household staff or Gray Maidens - that'd break rule nineteen. 

Or rule eighteen, right, it's fifty-fifty either way.

I'm pretty sure that if a woman polymorphed into a man sires a child, the child is always a daughter, for the same reason a dragon who changes shape into a human has half-dragon offspring. 

Polymorph changes shape, not nature.

...I'm not sure how to make sense of that, unless dragons are genetically human??