The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

I understand the reasoning, but the rules in this vein all seem so incredibly dismal. 

Sometimes when I take a prisoner, I don't want to deny them a bed with blankets. Just because someone is a prisoner doesn't mean that I don't want anything nice for them ever. And if I took you prisoner, I bet you'd like having blankets even more than I'd like giving them to you! So why can't we just all agree to be civilized about it?

There's a scene in The Princess Bride - 

Wait, you've seen The Princess Bride? How?

You transcribed the entire book, which took you all day even with a magic item for scrivener's chant, and then you transcribed the script of the play so I could "compare and contrast." But I'm not surprised that you don't remember it, since from your perspective those seven hours took less than a minute. 

Oh, right, thanks for reminding me. 

You were saying?

Right, so, in the play, leastwise, although the book has an analogue, there's a scene where Inigo Montoya gives the man in black his sword to look at before their duel to the death, and the man in black gives it right back after he's had his look.

Even though he could have, you know, kept the sword, and that'd have made the duel a good bit easier!

And this was right after the scene where - so, remember how in The Princess Bride when the man in black is pursuing the Sicilian Crowd as they climb the Cliffs of Insanity, but the Sicilian Crowd makes it to the top before he can catch them, and they cut the rope, but the man in black makes his Reflex save to let go of the rope in time, and starts climbing without the rope, and Inigo is left behind to kill the man in black when he makes it to the top, but waiting is super tedious and - actually, let me quote it, I've got the book around here somewhere: 

Forty-seven feet to go now.
Now forty-six.
"Hello there," Inigo hollered when he could wait no more.
The man in black glanced up and grunted.
"I've been watching you."
The man in black nodded.
"Slow going," Inigo said.
"Look, I don't mean to be rude," the man in black said finally, "but I'm rather busy just now, so try not to distract me."
"I'm sorry," Inigo said.
The man in black grunted again.
"I don't suppose you could speed things up," Inigo said.
"If you want to speed things up so much," the man in black said, clearly quite angry now, "you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find some other helpful thing to do."
"I could do that," Inigo agreed. "But I don't think you would accept my help, since I'm only waiting up here so that I can kill you."
"That does put a damper on our relationship," the man in black said then. "I'm afraid you'll just have to wait."
Forty-three feet left.
Forty-one.
"I could give you my word as a Spaniard," Inigo said.
"No good," the man in black replied. "I've known too many Spaniards."
"I'm going crazy up here," Inigo said.
"Anytime you want to change places, I'd be too happy to accept."
Thirty-nine feet.
And resting.
The man in black just hung in space, feet dangling, the entire weight of his body supported by the strength of his hand jammed into the crevice.
"Come along now," Inigo pleaded.
"It's been a bit of a climb," the man in black explained, "and I'm weary. I'll be fine in a quarter-hour or so."
Another quarter-hour! Inconceivable. "Look, we've got a piece of extra rope up here we didn't need when we made our original climb, I'll just drop it down to you and you grab hold and I'll pull and—"
"No good," the man in black repeated. "You might pull, but then again, you also just might let go, which, since you're in a hurry to kill me, would certainly do the job quickly."
"But you wouldn't have ever known I was going to kill you if I hadn't been the one to tell you. Doesn't that let you know I can be trusted?"
"Frankly, and I hope you won't be insulted, no."
"There's no way you'll trust me?"
"Nothing comes to mind."
Suddenly Inigo raised his right hand high—"I swear on the soul of Domingo Montoya you will reach the top alive!"
The man in black was silent for a long time. Then he looked up. "I do not know this Domingo of yours, but something in your tone says I must believe you. Throw me the rope."
Inigo quickly tied it around a rock, dropped it over. The man in black grabbed hold, hung suspended alone in space. Inigo pulled. In a moment, the man in black was beside him.
"Thank you," the man in black said, and he sank down on the rock.
Inigo sat alongside him. "We'll wait until you're ready," he said.
The man in black breathed deeply. "Again, thank you."

(Gods below, I love this book.)

It's a good one.

The Overlord List says to be neither fair nor sporting and I agree that generally speaking you shouldn't be, but...

Ugh, I want to tell you something about my father that could be used to embarrass him, can I have you word to not to repeat it?

On my honor as a samurai.

My dad regularly swears to things on his Law. He has no Law. The man is Neutral Evil!

If he were Inigo, he'd have dropped the rope.

I know you're not saying it to be funny, but that is hilarious. 

Sure, he's a real funny guy. If you were reading the Evil Overlord List to Aberian Arvanxi, he'd have fewer things to change. 

...His Lawlessness really bugged me, growing up. It was something we argued about.

You know, he let me go thirteen years before springing his opinion on me that "ideologue" was the most damning insult there is. The old man was somehow of the mind that obviously I was supposed to have known that all along, magically, without ever being told. Not that I'm bitter or anything. But he doesn't believe in anything. 

And, he's not wrong that ideologues are damned, and with them fast friends and patriots and the blinkered clannish. Guile is a virtue, and I'll never say it's not. But, ugh, I don't know...

Hollup one second. You asked me for my word not to repeat you, and now you're saying that duplicity is virtuous? This seems self-defeating - what do you expect to happen if you convince me? 

Guile is a virtue, but so is Law! Abadarans act like honest dealing is a dichotomous property of human beings, when their own god-granted verification spell has a duration longer than Instantaneous, which I think is Abadar trying to tell them something. I'm an Asmodean. I believe in breaking faith and in keeping promises. There is plenty of room between Neutral and the Lawmost edge of the alignment chart. Aroden was Lawful Neutral and He lied like a rug. 

Did he? I don't know anything about Aroden, he was before my time.

Aroden was as Wiscrani at they come. It's carved in the Canaroden: "Artist, beggar, artisan; farmer, fisher, huntsman; trader, egghead, herdsman; soldier, tailor, thief." 

I guess if Toff Ornelos is LN, and if Herbert Hoover was, I can believe anything of Aroden.

Who's Hebert Hoover? 

A historical ruler from my planet who Lyvina once compared to Headmaster Toff Ornelos. At some point she started reading from a book review, but I won't put you through that.

Anyway, if it's virtuous to deal, and virtuous to double deal, how am I supposed to decide between them?

I didn't say guile is virtuous, I said having it's a virtue. It isn't always virtuous to advance or retreat, but it's a virtue to be able.

Then, when am I supposed to break an oath?

By the way, my secret reason for asking this is that I want to know when I can count on you to tell the truth. In case knowing this is useful for your answer. I was going to keep it secret, but that turned out to be a bother. I'm kind of stupid, and the way my brain works it's easier for me to remember things and keep them straight if I'm not the only one who knows. 

You're not stupid. 

Seven Int, baby.

That's not your Int score eye are el.