The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

You're telling me you defaced the eight-thousand year-old book.

I'm telling you I defaced the eight-thousand year-old book.

And why did you deface the eight-thousand year-old book?

In my defense, the whole damn thing is written in Infernal! I'm a literate Chel, right, but a gazillion pages of this dense-ass archaic jargon-riddled Infernal in print so small you can't tell what's an alpha-numeric character and what's just grain in the eight-thousand year-old pages or a smooshed bug isn't my idea of light reading.

So I took notes. Taldane notes.

In the book, on the book, on loose-leaf paper that I tucked into the book, on loose-leaf paper that I didn't tuck in the book, in commonplace books, and sometimes in unrelated books that happened to be open on the desk.

Well, this is why we're going through the Overlord List. We can clean all of this up before the PCs ever see it.

Is there anything else I should(n't) know about?

...I also left my copy of an infernal contract detailing the powers I sold my soul for.

Ileosa.

I know, I know, you don't have to tell me.

Hey, it's okay. 

Like I said, this is why we're going through the Overlord List, to find places for improvement.

Right.

I'll move everything important into some hidey hole, and burn the rest. 

...

...

...

If you aren't busy with anything, can you possibly help me move the Truths of the Sihedron, and hide it?

It's really heavy.

Sure, I'd be happy to.

You're my hero.

And, relatedly, what's number seventy-five?

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

I'll write a memo.

Seventy-six?

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

Maybe I'd feel more tempted to do this if I were a full-BAB class and/or invested in Combat Maneuvers, but I'm not and I haven't. 

Seventy-seven?

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

Wait, this seems at odds with rule seventy-one?

And what's supposed to go wrong when you do this? I haven't had any problems with bringing my trusted lieutenants along as security so far.

I think 'trusted lieutenant' here should be read as 'favored lieutenant' or 'second in command.'

Ohhhhhh, I see.

Yeah, if I offer you a specific someone's job, they won't be in the room to hear it happen. Like - although this hardly counts because I don't expect Togomor to care very much - if you decide to take the job as Seneschal of Castle Korvosa, that's when I'll worry about telling the current one.

Why does Togomor work for you? I've never been clear on what his goals are or how the two of you met.