The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

How's that spelled?

I-H-Y-S-T-E-A-R.

Let me look it up... yeah, if I heard you were after the Ihystear and didn't have any other context, I'd assume something catastrophic would happen if you actually got it, but if the GM isn't coming up with unique mechanics it's pretty much just a +5 brilliant energy dagger.

Now I want an evil scheme which would make the Ihystear make sense as a weapon against me. 

Maybe one of these days I'll come up with one.

What's rule fifty?

It's another sci-fi one:

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

We're halfway to a hundred! 

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

Following the spirit of this rule would seriously cut into my quality time with Sabina.

What's the big catastrophe that happens if I break it?

You push her away from you. 

Probably she fights you in some climactic battle.

...How likely do you figure that happening is?

It's pretty much inevitable, if you stay the course.

You should consider just implementing all of her proposed fixes.

Can't be done, they're too sweeping. 

Ileosa is quiet for a time, and when she speaks, speaks quietly.

"I didn't think this would be necessary, but I'm going to have to geas my girlfriend."

You'd probably need more Sense Motive than Choryon has to notice Ileosa blinking back sudden tears and turning her face away. 

No? Did Ileosa forget to roll Bluff? Well, then this public pathetic display was probably some kind of clever manipulation.

Ileosa seems to have cleverly manipulated Choryon into giving her a hug.

This sucks.

You don't have to geas anyone that you don't want to, you know.

If Sabina betrayed me, that'd hurt worse than just knowing that I had to take away the option. 

Let's press on! 

What's rule fifty-two?

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

Eodred could have used that advice. 

...It's probably wise, if you find yourself saying that someone you killed should have taken some word or other of advice, to take it yourself, lest someone later say it of you. There's no strong reason to think I've already found the important secret passages and abandoned tunnels under Castle Korvosa. I should map it out, and get Togomor to ethereally check everywhere that there could be a secret room.

What's fifty-three?

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

The beautiful princess that you capture is obviously going to say that, so this rule is tantamount to saying "don't capture beautiful princesses." If you captured her anyway you presumably have a plan for bringing her around to your point of view... but I guess that just never works in my genre? 

I'm growing to hate this genre.

What's fifty-four?

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

That sounds like a great way to trigger a penalty clause.

If I ever double-cross a demonic being it'll probably be because that was the plan from the start and definitely be because I thought it through and have also forced a mind-controlled contract devil think it through and I know I can get away with it.

Fifty-five?

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.