The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

Yeah, but not at-will I can't.

You're a spontaneous caster, though.

The duration isn't long enough. Like, imagine that I've got you tied up and I cast suggestion so you believe I'm really going to kill you this time but charm person so you can't help but love me anyway, and my plan is to tease you until both of the spells wear off.

Obviously I'd want to read your mind while I'm doing this. But charm and suggestion both last for hours, and detect thoughts only lasts a few minutes!

Are you free later?

I'm free always.

What's number thirty-eight?

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

Seems like solid advice. I wonder whether there's a spell for it...

Thirty-nine?

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

It's good to know what I'm already doing right.

Forty?

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Properly Asmodean. Forty-one?

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

Either Creation is very soon to end, or destroying the time-travel devices is impossible, or someone will eventually succeed at that and therefore already has.

Forty-two?

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

Yup. Always kill the familiar.

Forty-three?

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I was thinking this back at number thirty-seven, too, but some of these rules are good advice that I expect is much harder to follow in the moment than they are to pat yourself on the back about when you're just talking or writing about them.

Forty-four?

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I feel like your cleric needs this advice more than I do.

Mull's the party face, not the party leader.

Also, I do too work for money!

Who paid you to fight the high priest of Urgathoa? 

That one vampire guy - the optional encounter in Room G11.

...Why are my minions such horrible infighting backstabbers. What did I do to deserve this.

How much did "that one vampire guy" pay you?

I don't remember.

It wasn't a lot.

Would you have done it for free?

Were you, possibly, and I'm going way out on a limb here, already in the process of doing it for free when you met someone willing to pay you for it?