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Taliar in Evil Arda
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"Maybe so. Should I leave you alone for now, then? Or give the explaining thing another try first?"

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"Go ahead and try."

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"I refer to it affectionately as my 'bad day' and I keep having the urge to ask him to do it again because the first time didn't feel like it challenged me enough. I already knew I was going to be fine but now I have direct firsthand experience with that fact, and it's so satisfying."

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Sigh.

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"We were talking once about the inconvenient rumours about us, and I said the attitudes here make me want to have the healthiest relationship in the universe out of spite, and we're maybe not literally managing that but we are coming really astonishingly close given our starting conditions."

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"No. No you aren't. He doesn't force you very often because he doesn't usually need to, that's not 'mostly healthy'. What you have is the sham of a relationship. How much of what you let him do to you would you let him do if you had any power at all to say 'no'?"

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"Not all of it," he says, shrugging. "But I gave that up on purpose. He asked me if I'd rather be with him or be safe, and I thought about it until I had an answer I was fully satisfied with, and I have not once regretted it since."

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"If I told you that, what would you say?"

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"If you told me what?"

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"That I'd signed away my right to not be raped so it was okay."

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"The 'decided freely' and 'didn't end up regretting it' parts are also important."

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"Oh, Maitimo'd be very much off his game if you regretted it within six months."

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"Maitimo's is not the only applicable game!" says Taliar. "If I won the war today, I'd still end up asking him for another bad day within a month. It's who I am. I'm stubborn and contrary and instinctively respond to all doubts with 'try me'. I derive immense satisfaction from succeeding at difficult things, even, perhaps especially, when they hurt. Sure, okay, maybe he only doesn't force me very often because he doesn't have to. But the fact that he doesn't have to isn't a coincidence. So maybe the only kind of person Maitimo can have a remotely healthy relationship with is the kind of person who's lit up by 'hey, want to bet you can handle being tortured for a day' - well, now he's got one of those. And I am okay."

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"And when he gets tired of you?"

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"I suppose that's always possible but it seems unlikely from here. Guess we'll see what happens. Are you going to make some more ominous predictions?"

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"Hmm? No, if you are really easily goaded into giving him permission to do as he pleases with you, it will probably be years before that stops being sufficiently exciting and he starts trying to break you just to see what happens."

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Taliar smiles. It's a very try-me sort of smile.

"You're right," he says, amused, "that wasn't ominous at all."

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"Go be in love."

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"Happily," says Taliar. "I hope you're doing all right. Try not to worry about me."

And off he goes, trying not to dwell on the prospect of Maitimo attempting to break him because if he lets himself get caught up in imagining it he's not going to last a week before asking for his next bad day. It's just so delightfully compelling a challenge.

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No, Maitimo says to him when they're next in the same room, it wouldn't be a delightful challenge. I don't want you broken but if I did I could. 

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Taliar sits in Maitimo's lap and hugs him.

I don't think I'd last forever, if you were really seriously trying, and I don't think it would be delightful, but I think I'd hold out pretty well; it's in my nature. And thinking about that gets me wanting my next bad day because... it's the most natural path for turning my thoughts away from antagonistic hypotheticals, to think 'I want to try that again, I want to be pushed harder this time,' and that is a delightful challenge.

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Well, who am I to deny you?

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I love you, he says. I meant to wait another month, I really did! I guess technically I haven't asked outright yet...

He contemplates this state of affairs for a second or two. He sighs and shakes his head and grins and leans on Maitimo. Okay, I give up. I am too hopelessly myself to hold out any longer. Maitimo my love, next time I have a Nahira dream, will you please give me a really bad day?

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Squeeze. Yes, of course.

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The confirmation gives him a sharp little flash of nervousness, but he smiles and snuggles into Maitimo's arms and feels safe and happy and excited and determined and in love.

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