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Taliar in Evil Arda
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Kiss. You asked me for this, do you remember? You were positively hoping for it.

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I remember, he agrees. It's a very steadying memory. I love you. I'm terrified of you right now and I love you and I want you.

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You're so good, you're so good at this, you're so obedient - kisses - 

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The fear is so strong that it physically hurts, a sharp stabbing pain inside his chest, he feels like he is going to break down crying any second, and he grins fiercely and kisses Maitimo anyway.

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And Maitimo sends him affection and adoration and -I want you right now, are you going to fight me -

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He shudders with fear but doesn't even try to move away, kisses Maitimo again instead.

I won't fight you, he says with certainty.

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Good. Good. I'm so proud of you. I'm so pleased with you.

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I love it when I make you proud, it feels so very deeply affirming, I love you, I love how you appreciate me, I love that we can do this, he says, resting his shaking hands against Maitimo's chest.

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And so Maitimo is gentle and affectionate and Taliar's terrified and it's adorable.

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He's terrified the whole time, he flinches, he cries - but he cooperates, participates actively, finds pleasure in it, he says I want you and it's true.

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You're so good. I'm so proud of you. Now, I want you to stay here, okay?

 

And he takes the bag with Taliar's soul and leaves.

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Okay.

If Maitimo wants him to stay here, then he'll stay here. He curls up and takes deep breaths, and every time he starts to think about the dream, he turns his thoughts to Maitimo instead. It's easy enough. What they just did was very memorable. Frightening and upsetting, but - he won, he won that, he was so good, he made Maitimo proud, it was glorious.

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It was! Maitimo is floating with adoration. And Maitimo heads out to a courtyard in the city and sits there comfortably until people have stopped staring, and then he takes out Taliar's soul and holds it in his hands.

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Love and joy and pride and terror and determination and triumph. The soul-contact intimacy is both intolerably awful and transcendently perfect.

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That's lovely. He tells a passerby they're testing whether the healing effect works on contact, will he touch it. 

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He doesn't know who that is and they're touching his soul, he can feel them so strongly but he knows nothing about them except for this sense of their presence searing itself into his mind—he can still feel Maitimo—Maitimo did this to him—having his soul touched by a stranger is pure anguish, it's not as intense as with Maitimo but there's nothing good in it—he feels terrified and angry and hurt and betrayed and at the same time so incredibly respected in his resilience.

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So adorable. 

 

He will keep asking this of passersby.

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It's a strong contender for worst experience Taliar has ever had.

Every new stranger feels slightly different from the last, unique and innately recognizable, and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and he feels like he's losing hold of his own identity and he loves/hates Maitimo so much, Maitimo is the only thing he can hold onto, Maitimo is torturing him in the worst imaginable way, Maitimo is beautiful and brilliant and must think so highly of his strength to be doing this...

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Maitimo'll stop, eventually, and head inside again, and set Taliar's soul down on a table across the room, and sit on the edge of the bed and watch him.

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He's too exhausted to cry, too exhausted to move, too exhausted to think, too exhausted to do anything at all. He lies limply on the bed and tears run down his face and he vaguely thinks Maitimo might be in the room but he can't put together what evidence gave him that impression or muster the energy to look around and confirm it.

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Time passes. Taliar continues not doing very much.

It occurs to him eventually that he doesn't have to move to activate his healing aura, and if he does that he'll find out whether his soul is currently nearby. But even just pulling together the concentration for that simple mental action feels prohibitively difficult. He thinks he'll just lie there and wait until the next round of indescribable torture, whatever it turns out to be.

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So he walks over and kisses him and then drags him to his feet and says I like your head, put it back in order.

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The words spark a reaction somewhere deep among the roots of his mind, and he recognizes only in retrospect that the feeling of being challenged is the first emotion he's felt since Maitimo let go of his soul.

Thinking about what just happened is like leaping into a bottomless pit of agony and terror. But he claws his way out of it by strength of will, because if he doesn't put himself back together he loses, and that is simply not going to happen.

He takes a deep breath and stands up straight and blinks until his eyes focus properly, and he looks up at Maitimo and says, Thank you for not underestimating me. I love you. I will love you forever.

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You're amazing. I'm so impressed with you. I'm so proud of you. 

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