Okay. So as a first line, next time you hook up with someone you can go to your place; this is a fallback against not being able to shoo them but makes the default less bad.

Nod. "I...could do that." Vanyel seems a bit hesitant. 

Getting to sleep seems... hard. I can help you on request but only if I'm awake myself, and while I could remember for you I don't want to interrupt you if you're with somebody, or wake you up if you've gone to sleep on your own. ...Do dreams wake you up a lot? I'd be really surprised if you were having nightmares again already.

"Not having nightmares," Vanyel clarifies. "This one is, um, an exception. Your thing doesn't block Foresight dreams. It isn't usually that often though." 

Okay. So in the general case... I'm not sure how to solve the problem where it would not be desirable that I swing by every evening to bother you about going to sleep in case you're already asleep or have a private reason for being up.

Nod. "I sort of haven't tested whether I would usually remember to Mindspeak you and ask, if there weren't, um, private reasons for being up. I think I usually wouldn't forget but if I do forget without having a good reason then maybe I need to figure something else out. I could ask Yfandes to remind me. Or you could Mindspeak Yfandes instead of me, maybe? But...I think I want to try remembering on my own first." 

Okay.

I worry you overinterpreted what I said about having space to think apart from Yfandes. I do think it's important but if you want someone to talk to and she'd be satisfactory I wouldn't tell you not to talk to her; I know she's important to you and it's healthier usually to have a variety of confidantes, not just a therapist.

"I know." Vanyel makes a face. "I do trust her and I would normally tell her. It's just, if I call her when I'm already really upset, she - it feels like she overreacts? I don't know if she is actually overreacting but she gets stressed about it and I can tell and then it's all just more stressful. And you don't, you're just calm about everything no matter what." 

It makes sense to prefer that. Have you talked to her about this?

"I've tried? And she tries really hard, and it's better than it was, just, if I can't stop thinking really loudly that if I went and jumped off the belltower then my lessons would be someone else's problem – er, I'm not thinking that now but I was a little bit before I called you – then, I don't know, it makes sense that it's stressful for her? I mean, she knows I'm not going to, at this point, but...she cares a lot about me and she hates when I'm miserable and she can't help, and it has to be scary. I don't know how to make it less scary for her." 

Bella nods. Okay. So, in a way this is encouraging, this happening today? It's not good but it also took a lot of separate, if not uncorrelated, stressors - being hung over, and not having had a moment to yourself since last night, and having a rare dream that woke you up, and not having help to fall asleep, and sleeping in an unfamiliar place, and maybe also having unprocessed feelings about the hookup. It sounds to me like if even one or two of those hadn't happened, you'd have been noticeably better off today - it's hard to say how much but perhaps enough that you could have gotten Yfandes's support without worrying her, or enough that you could have finished out the class, or enough that you would have shrugged off what your student said. And getting even one of those things to happen could have made this a less stressful event even if you wound up needing to call me suddenly after all. Which means you can probably expect progress you'll notice fast, because even halfheartedly flailing at whatever handful of possibilities for helping with whichever fraction of stressors will wind up cutting way down on days when this many things go wrong at once.

"Really?" Vanyel stares at her, halfway between disbelieving and hopeful. "It doesn't feel like that at all. It...keeps feeling like no matter what I do I'm just always a disaster." He rubs his eyes. "But I guess you're right. It was a lot of things." 

They might be things that currently all happen a lot! But you can pick whichever ones seem easiest to reduce or fix, and reduce or fix them, and then you'll have more you left to handle whatever's harder to prevent.

"That makes sense. I can probably prevent a lot of them? I mean, being hungover is completely my fault. And, hmm, I do think it's really bad actually when I have to sleep somewhere that isn't my room." He scowls at his hands. "I...sort of don't want it to be bad? Because it's stupid, I have to be able to go on missions where I sleep in random inns or Waystations, that's not supposed to be a problem Heralds have. But I think it is a problem I have, and if I try to pretend I don't then bad things happen and it's predictable and it's kind of my fault." 

It not being a problem Heralds are 'supposed' to have would need to come with any, uh, actual Heraldry-related protective factors of any kind, in order for that to turn into a realistic, value-neutral expectation, let alone a comment on your personal character.

"I mean, we have Companions? That's supposed to make a lot of things easier." 

Does it?

Vanyel flings up both hands. "Yes! For literally everyone who isn't me!" 

Are you sure, or do they just have fewer than six bad things piling up on them any given day and also not have to cope with having a huge hole in them?

Vanyel goes quiet, staring at his lap. 

"I think..." He stops, fidgets with the hem of his tunic. "I think, maybe, people with huge holes in them...aren't really Herald material? I think Yfandes doesn't know what to do about it. I think no one knows what to do about it." He shrugs, helplessly. "I really want it to be true that someday I can pull myself together and actually be capable of using my Gifts to help people. Because there are a lot of people in bad situations and they deserve help? And I - I could do a lot of things to make Valdemar better, if I weren't such a mess." 

He shakes his head. "Lancir said it was fine if it took me years. That I'm dealing with something that's actually really hard and that no one blame me or judges me that I can't take on as much as, oh, Tran. But it's been years. I guess things are a lot better than they were at the start? Just, I feel like I'm still not good enough to be a Herald and I don't know if I ever will be." 

Most people with this kind of hole in them are dead. You are already outperforming expectations there. I think there's lots of headroom, lots of low hanging fruit, and lots of reason for optimism; but you are already performing above the standard for people who've been through what you have.

"...I'm glad you think there's reason for optimism?" Vanyel does not actually seem especially reassured, though. He avoids her eyes. "It doesn't actually help, to know that I'm outperforming most people with this problem? I don't know, I feel like you're trying to make me feel better and it should make me feel better and I'm sorry, just...it actually doesn't." 

Thank you for telling me. Hm. It wouldn't work very well with being kept calm but sometimes I do an affect read during sessions, where I keep an eye on patient emotional state, do you think that would work for you?

"I don't mind if you do that, it seems helpful." He attempts a smile. "Probably it'd be all right now if you stopped keeping me calm. I was just too overwhelmed to think before." 

Okay, fading out now. The calm lifts. And I'll do the affect read now but I'm not going to assume I always can, I'll check again every session until you decide that's really annoying and have also said yes the last fifty times, because of how I am in general.