"I'm sure from your perspective it seems ridiculous that a seventeen-year-old thinks he can make commitments about who he's going to want to love in ten thousand years, just like from my perspective it seems ridiculous that anyone who's so much as glanced at my soul in passing could think I am fucking around when I say I will love him forever. Time will tell."

"Yes."

"Feel free to say 'I told you so' if it comes up, I won't hold a grudge."

"I wouldn't expect it to come up under circumstances where we're having voluntary conversations at all, but okay."

"I came to talk to you because I wanted you to have as much information as possible with which to decide that I'm okay and you don't need to stick around for my sake, and here you are doing a remarkably bad job of not trying to convince me I'm wrong about that, and - I feel like 'trying fruitlessly to save each other from Maitimo' is not a position of mutual benefit, here."

"There really isn't much information that would have convinced me you're okay but 'I'll love him forever and I consented to all of the mind-controlled sex we had and he knows how to make holding my soul non-torturous if he's so inclined and it's only been a day' was not going to do it."

Technically the sex and the mind control have not yet overlapped but that really isn't the point here is it.

"Well, if I had better information I'd be giving you that, but we work with what we have."

"I'm not going to try to save you from Maitimo. If you come back from defeating the Enemy and he kisses you and says he loves you and takes hold of your soul and then while you're incapacitated does enough appalling stuff that when you wake to the news you lose all your god-fighting power immediately, I will not be in a position to say 'I told you so' unless it amuses him and if it does amuse him I'll say it regardless of what I think of it, so there's no point in deciding whether I'll wish I could."

"Okay. It sounds like I can't improve anything about your life by talking to you, and I don't really want to hang around... being in love with him at you, under the circumstances. So. Guess I'll go."

"Sorry. Bye."

"Bye."

There is still some day left to do engineering in. He does engineering. He successfully distracts himself from thinking about the things Findekano said.

And in the evening there is dinner. He hugs him and kisses his hair. I'm glad the engineering power is still there.

Taliar hugs Maitimo and loves him very much.

Me too. Should we talk about whether I am such a terrible boyfriend that you're going to want to murder me? In case Maitimo wasn't listening, he remembers the context. He's making a joke of it but now that he lets himself think about it at all he's kind of in turmoil about the prospect that he might be that bad at the thing that is the entire point of him, the making-people's-lives-better thing. Like at minimum he could give Maitimo a bunch of fantastic presents like continents and assorted magical objects and then leave the universe and never come back, and it'd break his heart and he might have to rebuild his soul again when he got home but everyone involved would still ultimately be better off as far as he can tell...

I bet we can do better than that. But I promise that if I can't think of a way to do better than that I'd sooner do that than hurt you.

Well, that makes him feel much better and less insecure in his powers of good-faith cooperation and making-people's-lives-better. His powers of good-faith cooperation and making-people's-lives-better are very important to him.

Okay. I love you. I bet we can do better than that too. I don't want to have to leave you.

Part of him kind of wants to get high on trust songs again; part of him suspects that it'd only make things worse; he's curious about whether trying it when he's feeling uncertain like this would send him into a sort of paranoia spiral, but he doesn't really want to find out because then he'd have to talk himself down from it afterward and he'd probably be up all night and it would be really unpleasant for him and probably also for Maitimo.

Just about whether I'm plotting to kill you, or is there anything else?

It's not exactly about whether you're plotting to kill me. I didn't really think you were, and I don't really think you steered me all that hard yesterday, either - although feel free to tell me I'm wrong, I stand by my assertion that helping me be more the person you need is a good thing - it's just, there's this pile of individually implausible or meaningless doubts to sort through and it feels like a big intimidating pile and I don't know whether to start working on them or try to sleep it off or what.

Well. I'll leave you to it.

Taliar sits and thinks to himself for a moment.

By all accounts, worse things than this are going to test his resolve. He doesn't need to let one conversation throw him off. The problem isn't even the things Findekano said, really, the problem is that he felt like he couldn't argue, and then he got stuck in the habit of not thinking about it and the whole thing ended up seeming like a much bigger deal than it is. If his will and his trust are this easily rattled, what kind of a Kazaryne is he anyway?

So he calls up the feeling of determination-to-love, feels it as fully as he can, fills himself with love and trust and certainty. The change in perspective from 'this is a big intimidating pile of doubts that I don't dare even think about and it's such a mess and I don't know what I'm going to do' to 'this is a trivial inconvenience which I can handle at my leisure' isn't easy, exactly, but he can do it, he just has to deliberately let go of the built-up flinch reaction. What's he going to do about it? Easy, he'll have a hilarious internal conversation with Imaginary Esarkan, Imaginary Esarkan can be paranoid enough for the both of them and Taliar can argue with him all he pleases. Probably won't even take two minutes.

And with this decision made, he goes and sits in Maitimo's lap and kisses him, because Maitimo is beautiful and brilliant and glorious and kissable and Taliar wants - Taliar is choosing - to express and experience that. The pile of doubts is still there, but it feels manageable and set aside for later, not ominous and lurking in the back of his mind to ambush him.

And he pulls him close and kisses him and says sorry, I should have warned you - would that even have helped - 

Mm, kisses. Snuggly kisses. Maitimo's lap is such an excellent place to be.

Warned me about what? That he'd be really suspicious of you? I feel like I shouldn't have needed to be warned of that, he says wryly.

I asked him if he needed anything and he said he never wanted to interact with me again and I sort of expect that'd extend to everyone who cares about me if he didn't feel responsible for you -

I have done my best to express that he doesn't need to feel responsible for me because I'm going to be fine, it didn't work, I think I'm done trying. It's - it's hard for me to take into account the subtle differences between here and home sometimes; I think I'm leaning too much on 'well, everyone can see my soul, so they should understand who I am as a person and what that means'. I need to remember that neither soulbearers in general nor I and my family in particular are... part of the cultural landscape, here. I would've approached that conversation differently if I'd kept that in mind.

Hugs. It's okay. He'll be okay.

I hope so. And I wish I could do anything more for him than I've already done, and I don't think I can.

He snuggles up and leans his head on Maitimo's chest. He's so small by comparison - he's very much used to being the shortest person in the room but this is a different thing altogether - it's nice, cozy, being so lap-sized and scoopable.

Okay, time for a quick chat with Imaginary Esarkan.

Imaginary Esarkan would like to note that it's a good thing he's imaginary because the real version has literally hundreds of better things to do than counsel Taliar on his personal life. Taliar reminds Imaginary Esarkan that the real version is well aware of the power of Taliar's personal life to accomplish things in the world. Imaginary Esarkan laughs, and they start going over the conversation.

So, says Imaginary Esarkan, how much of yesterday do you actually think was your own doing, and how much do you think was your new boyfriend setting you up?

Pretty sure I have at least a solid half share of the credit, says Taliar. In fact I'm pretty sure of that even if Maitimo himself turns out to disagree. I know what I'm doing when it comes to my own heart and soul. It'd be an interesting conversation to have, 'how much of me are you predicting in advance and steering for', but it won't soothe or rouse any deep doubts because I don't have any.

One down, then, says Imaginary Esarkan, amused. Next up: likelihood that your boyfriend is or was plotting your murder?

Not even slightly a concern. I didn't believe it even before the direct reassurance and I sure don't believe it now. 'I don't break my things' was enough.

Two down. How about that comment about 'better off policed'?

...That one hurts a lot, Taliar admits. But it doesn't make me suspicious, it makes me - sad and sorry and afraid. I so very badly don't want to hurt Maitimo, and put like that, it seems like I do it unavoidably just by existing, and it's awful.

Two and a half. Work out your emotional problems on your own time, I'm just here to be suspicious of everything for you. All right, how about the last one? 'If you come back from defeating the Enemy and he kisses you and says he loves you and takes hold of your soul and then...'

...I think that one's most of the reason I was avoiding even thinking about these, says Taliar. Because I actually am afraid of that, it was a very vividly described scenario and I'm not sure it's something I could recover from, and it's really tempting to start thinking in terms of whether or not my soul would manage to prevent it somehow so I could rescue myself and - that's not a road I want to go down, not so much as a step. If I start thinking of Maitimo as a potential enemy, I'm already breaking faith. I won't do it. I am going to find a way to be an unambiguously positive presence in his life, and we have a fallback plan for if I fail in that, and in the meantime I'm not going to let myself get caught up in hostile lines of reasoning.

Well, says Imaginary Esarkan, let no one ever accuse you of not taking your commitments seriously. Good luck, Dawn-shining Troublemaker. All set?

All set.

And there. Trivial inconvenience dealt with. Thank you, Imaginary Esarkan. Taliar feels a little silly for having an imaginary conversation with his emperor over this, but hey, it worked.