"...turmoil?" she ventures, blinking at him.

"...maybe? I um. It's not... nevermind. Um." He can just not tell her, right? The problem is now he needs to explain why he's acting like a weirdo.

He does not have a good explanation for why he's acting like a weirdo. Fuck. 

Also his hands are still inside her and he's not sure what to do about that. 

Fuck.

"...you could stop doing things and snuggle me?"

"That, um, makes sense? That makes sense." Now to take his fingers out of her (easy enough), and figure out what to do with them being sticky (slightly harder). He looks around for the box of tissues, holding his fingers out like they're messy and sticky and he doesn't want them touching (which is true). 

It's still over there on the nightstand. Rosy, seeing where he's looking, helpfully leans over to get it for him.

"Oh, um, thanks." He feels really kinda bad right now. He had good intentions going into this, right? (Well, no.) Okay. But he wasn't going to do anything if she didn't want it to happen? He just wanted it to happen, organically? (Sophistry.) Fuck. He takes the tissue and tries wiping his fingers. He may need more than one. 

She keeps supplying him with tissues until he seems done and then sprawls out and opens her arms. "Snuggle?"

"Snuggle." Snuggle. Also, despair, with some self-loathing thrown in for good measure.

"Tell me of your turmoil?"

"What if I don't want to." What is he, four? That is not going to work. Why is he saying anything at all. 

"Then I can just snuggle you instead."

"Okay." Snuggles. Also self-recriminations. And additional, new feelings of being undeserving! Fun!

Snuggle snuggle pet pet. Cozy.

Snuggles. Maybe he's going to be okay? She's not pressing him on this at all. He just needs to not do anything like this again. Because it was really stupid. Even if he thought it was necessary! (Despite her saying she wanted a different thing? Seriously, dude, come on.) But if he's not fair to her... argh. 

Pet pet pet pet. "I would like to help you with your turmoil? You still don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, though."

(Aaaaaaaahhh.)

Does he want to talk to her about it? He does not. Should he talk to her about it? 

Probably. 

Fuck.

"I'm... I... I wasn't... I'm scared that you... " He's not sure how to say any more. "I wasn't... I'm sorry." Okay well apparently he's having tears. He doesn't want to lose this but maybe also he really doesn't deserve it. 

"Okay." Squeeze. "I promise I will still love you and still want to be yours. Can I ask what you're sorry for?"

"...maybe?" Sniffle. 

Pet pet pet. "What are you sorry for, my love?"

He squirms. He really doesn't deserve that love. "For maybe possibly kinda sorta thinking that you might possibly get turned on, um, and want to cum, all on your own? Organically? Maybe? If I did a good enough job? And you might, um, change your mind?" Well that sounds really foolish when he says it out loud doesn't it. And now she's not going to want to be his anymore. Which is no fault but his own. Stupid. 

She has to listen very closely to catch all that, closely enough that it takes her a few seconds afterward to put it all together and realize what he's saying and what it means.

—she gives him a very cozy squeeze, first of all, because he is having a really hard time about this.

Then she says, slowly, "...I do still love you, and still want to be yours. And it's okay. We're okay. But—I do want to make sure—that you know why that's a problem? But maybe I should wait to have that conversation until you are sufficiently snuggled."

She does seem to still be snuggling him??? He's not sure why that is. It feels really good and such a relief even though it's also very confusing. 

In theory he could wait and be snuggled but he's not sure how he managed to say it the first time (also how is she still in love with him, how is she still snuggling him, she clearly still cares about him but also why) and if he stops now he can't really stop. 

"You told me you didn't want me to do the thing and then I went and did it anyways. Kindof. More or less. Even though you asked me not to. And told me not to explicitly when I asked. And stuff."

"Yeah," she agrees, still snuggling him. "Yeah. It's... you asked me to trust you, and that was really hard? And—doing things like this, trying to trick me into things I asked you not to do because I said they scared me in the bad way—that's... if you make a habit of that kind of thing, you're saying that I shouldn't trust you after all, that I was wrong to try to feel safe with you." She squeezes him a little harder. "I'm glad you realized something was wrong and stopped. I really appreciate that. And I really appreciate you apologizing. I'd—still love you, and still want to be yours, even if you hadn't noticed—but—I would be having a much harder time. So I'm glad you did. Thank you."

He violated her trust, he violated her trust, she wanted to trust him and he fucked it up and... fuck. She said it was scary before and... what was he thinking? 

He wasn't, really. 

He's crying, and he's not sure if it's tears of relief or sadness. Maybe both. 

"I won't do it again," he says. "I'm sorry. I don't want you to have a hard time. Thank you for... for... I don't know. For being ok? For still loving me? For..." he doesn't know what he's saying. He puts his head on her chest and cries. 

"I love you," she murmurs, hugging him. "I love you. It's okay. I love you."