That's an option?

"That would be good, actually," he says. 

"Well. I want to know what you want, and how much of that I can safely give you, and I want to give you as much as I can, and figure out how to work on the rest. And... I guess the question of what I need to feel safe is a little complicated? I'm still going to give myself to you, I don't need to feel safe to do that. But if I try to think about it, I guess... the things I feel safe about are you not wanting to hurt me, not wanting to give me psychological damage, not wanting to do things I don't want. And the thing that's scary is the idea that—hmm. This is hard." She leans on him.

"I want you to feel safe, and I definitely don't want to do those things" (mostly), he says when he realizes she's pausing, and squeezes her back. "What I want is, also complicated, I guess, but overall I don't want to do things to harm you. Or scare you. Or something like that." He closes his mouth and hugs her more when he realizes he's babbling. 

"I appreciate that!"

She leans into him a little more, nestling in his arms.

"...I guess... the thing that's the most scary, like, outside of incredibly unlikely nightmare scenarios like you being a serial killer... is... the idea of—you wanting me to be at odds with myself or with you? I don't know, does that make sense? Like, do you see what I mean by it?"

John thinks. "It... makes some sense? Maybe? You want to not be put in a position where you have to do something but don't want to, maybe? Work against your best interests because I told you to, I think?" He furrows his brow. Maybe it doesn't make sense. "I'm not sure, could you give me an example?"

"Hmm. Not exactly? It's less about what's in my interests and more about—the thing I was saying in the notes, where I wouldn't like to bully myself or be bullied—I don't want to be put in a position where my not wanting to do something is the point. I want, I guess..." She sighs. "It feels so silly to be trying to work out what I want now. —I'll still do it. But it feels silly." She shakes her head and refocuses. "Um, the easiest examples to use are probably from the story—I didn't like the dynamic where Kaida kept looking for excuses to punish her. It was fun for them but it wouldn't be, for me. I don't want the kind of relationship where you punish me for things, because... I don't know how to explain it. But it's one of the things I mean when I say I don't want to be at odds with you, I don't, I guess, I don't want to be... treated like I'm not loyal enough? That's not quite the right way to say it but I don't know what the right way to say it is."

John... is definitely a little tiny bit sad hearing that, admittedly. (He feels bad about feeling sad about it, but he is. Unfortunately.) He likes the idea of having someone he can punish for things. (There's a lot of hot porn like that. A lot.) But he wants Rosy more, and he wants her to be okay more as well (since wanting her doesn't seem predicated on what he's going to do with her for some reason even though it should). "I won't," he doesn't want to give up the ability to do it but he should, "I don't have to, no, I won't punish you for things if you don't want me to. You don't have to be afraid of me searching for excuses to punish you" even if the concept of someone being so terrified that they try and do everything perfectly is hot "and I'll do my best not to put you in that kind of situation." He sighs a little and squeezes her. 

She hugs him.

...it's actually a lot scarier, she discovers, to try to figure out what you want and ask for it and be told you can have it, than to sign yourself over unreservedly after carefully calculating how bad a decision that is and how much you care. There's an uncertainty here that wasn't here before, or wasn't relevant, when there wasn't any sense in which she was relying on him to treat her in a particular way.

But he wants—very reasonably!—her to rely on him to treat her in a particular way. (And almost certainly not just so he can betray her later for his own amusement. You would have to be some kind of flawless master of deception, to be secretly plotting something like that and yet outwardly come across as... John.)

She takes a few deep breaths, nestling into his arms.

"Okay," she says softly. "Okay. I can—" Shiver. Deep breath. More firmly, "I'll trust you." She hugs him, a little clingily. "Thank you."

He holds her close. That was clearly hard for her to do. He squeezes, being as caring as he can be. "I'm glad," he says. "I want you to trust me and I want to be good to you." And also have hot sex with her. Which, even if some things are off the table, (he thinks back to how she described that the ritual space was private. And her describing being told to fall to her knees.) there is plenty of hot sex to be had. "You're welcome," he adds, after a moment, realizing she just thanked him and he'd gotten distracted with other things. He squeezes her a little more to make up for the mistake. 

He is very cozy. Wow she's kind of shaky now. Why is this the difficult thing?? Why is the difficult thing not the magically enslaving herself to someone but the expressing an emotional need to them and having them say they'll respect it???

"I, um, I'm aware that on at least some levels it probably looks like I'm having a catastrophic emotional breakdown, but I want to be sure to say that I really do appreciate you wanting to be good to me, and I really do appreciate you saying you won't punish me for things because I don't want you to, and also I appreciate you hugging me about it, I appreciate that very much," she says, shaking like a leaf and sounding on the verge of tears. "Um. I don't know why this is so emotionally difficult but you are doing many good things and I appreciate them."

She is, in fact, very clearly having a hard time. And the right thing for him to do, is, well, everything he's currently doing. (He is admittedly a bit confused why she's having such a difficult time, but that's not for him to comment on, that would be the wrong thing to do right now. Instead he should be continuing to comfort her. Which he is doing.) "I'm glad I'm being so helpful," he says, continuing to hug her (and smiling a little bit at the appreciation. Being helpful feels good). "I could get you a tissue also, if you want one?" he asks, at the sound of her potentially incipient tears. 

"Um. Maybe. But what if I would rather you kept hugging me, instead."

"I can potentially do both?" he says, slightly uncertain. He looks around for where the tissues are. Are they in reach of where he is right now? Can he reach them while hugging (even if it's just with one arm, very temporarily)? 

They are still on the nightstand and if he wants them within arm's reach he may have to shuffle the whole assemblage of himself and Rosy along the bed by a couple feet. She's getting better, though, breathing more steadily and snuggling into him more comfortably.

Possibly he will not get the tissues yet? Especially if she seems like she's getting calmer/more together. "Let me know if you need me to," he adds, leaving both arms around her as she collects herself, being supportive and caring as best he can. 

Deep breath. No, deeeeeep breath.

"Okay. Okay. I... think I'm pulling myself together."

She scoots just a tiny bit closer, though in fact they're already sitting snug side by side, and gives him a big cozy squeezy hug, and then straightens up a little so she can kiss him on the cheek.

"Thank you. Very much. For the comfort and for the promise." And, hesitantly, "Should I try to dredge up an explanation for why that was so hard for me?"

"I would appreciate that," he says, and then realizes his (admittedly small) mistake. "But only if you feel that you want to, you don't have to talk about it right now if you're not comfortable." 

"I appreciate that. I think I'm okay, though." Snug. "I think... I think it was about... having to trust you? Like—as opposed to having already calculated what I think of all the possible bad outcomes and decided that I'm okay with them. I think it's... really surprisingly scary, to... have someone say 'I won't hurt you in this way, because you don't want me to', and then... have the option of believing that, and feeling safe, but knowing that I might be wrong? I don't know, does that make sense? It's a very different thing, to say 'I'm risking awful things happening to me, but I've decided I'm okay with that', than to say 'I'm risking awful things happening to me, but I trust this person when they say they won't'."

"It makes... some sense?" This is a bit outside of John's expertise. "It's easier to, I don't know, take whatever bad outcomes are going to happen and be okay with that than having... trust in other people?" He squints, a bit confused. "Is it about trust or hope or something? Like better to expect the bad things?" No, that's not quite right, she said things about it having to do with people. "Or, that's not it exactly is it."

"I think it's about... if I feel safe, and then turn out not to be safe, that's much much worse than just knowing I'm not safe the whole time."

"...I guess that makes sense," he says. "But I think I'd rather you feel safe and have it turn out to be true, though. Constantly not feeling safe sounds not very fun, to be honest." 

"I think I'm well suited to it—the not feeling safe thing. But you might be right that feeling safe and then turning out to actually be safe is the best one." Snuggle. "...thank you. For wanting me to be safe." Unless this is all a ploy no, stop that.

"You're welcome." She doesn't seem entirely certain on this approach (scared, maybe?), but he can understand that, if she's been thinking in terms of the other one this whole time. (How could she be going forward with it if she's scared. She's a lot braver than he is.) He squeezes her close and lets her feel her feelings and provides support. 

Nestle. Cozy nestle.

"Hmm. I'm conflicted. On the one hand I want to talk to you more about the story and what we liked and didn't like about it and the interesting notions it inspires in us. On the other hand I want lots of snuggles. On the other other hand you keep being turned on by things and I want to make out with you about it. On the increasingly anatomically implausible fourth hand I don't actually know if I'm in the right mood for makeouts right now? On the biologically inexplicable fifth hand I bet it is not at all difficult to get me in the mood to make out with you." She smiles, ducking her blushing face against his shoulder. "What are your thoughts?"

By the fourth hand he is smiling, by the fifth he is actively chuckling out loud. (She's so cute! And clever! (And going to be his!!))

"I think I'd rather do things that make you feel more comfortable right now," he says (no matter what his apparently (he knew she could see all along from where she was positioned, he shouldn't be surprised) obvious erection has been saying all evening). "Even if it is potentially easy to get you in the mood" and that's also hot by the way but he shouldn't be thinking like that right now "I think it's better if we do something like snuggles at the moment. If that makes sense." He nuzzles her head with his own.