Savil reaches out to squeeze his shoulder again. "Ke'chara, I'm really impressed that you're able to talk about it this well. I know it's a difficult topic for you." 

Deskyl nods, increasing the calming effect a bit. :Definitely. You're doing amazingly well in general for what you're dealing with.:

Vanyel nods, though his surface thoughts make it clear that he doesn't totally believe her. 

She slides to the floor to hug him. :I mean that. I know it feels like you're just doing what you have to - it always feels like that, no matter how impossible what you're dealing with is, that's how people are. But I've seen it, and I've seen enough to know what I'm looking at. It's a miracle you're getting out of bed in the morning. You're handling this incredibly well.:

The fact that he is successfully getting out of bed (almost) every morning is a hard-earned improvement from how things were at the start, Vanyel thinks. He puts his head down on Deskyl's shoulder, then tries to speak, swallows, gives up and switches to Mindspeech. :I mean, I'm failing to do most of the things I have to. And it's still - really hard - and sometimes I can't imagine having to keep doing it for decades: 

And then he ends up wishing he could just jump in the stupid river again and have it be over, except that Yfandes made him practice swimming a lot in k'Treva and he's not sure it's possible to drown yourself on purpose when you know how to swim, which is probably why Yfandes did it. 

She hugs him tight and doesn't answer for a few seconds. :It might be that having things to do is helping you. But - it's not reasonable to demand it. It's just not. And if you need to stop you should stop.:

:I can't: The words come instinctively, before Vanyel can actually think about it. He makes himself stop and actually consider. :...I guess I could. Valdemar managed before I was here: Mostly by Savil being even more stretched. Some of the work can be spread between more people, but some of it just needs an Adept-potential mage, and she's the only other one available. :But, I hate letting people down. And it's not really better, when I don't have anything to do with myself: 

Maybe if he were in k'Treva... But he can't reasonably just hare off to the Pelagirs whenever he feels like it, and besides, it would require Gating. 

She nods again and gives him another squeeze. :If it's helping, keep it, sure. But feeling guilty for hitting your limits isn't helping.: She glances up to Savil to see if she has anything to add.

Savil shifts herself to the floor as well, wincing, and takes Vanyel's hand. "I didn't realize it was bothering you so much, ke'chara. I won't lie, I do appreciate your help around here a lot. And the fact that I didn't have to drag my old bones into the saddle and ride out to Polsinn for that most recent disaster. But I care more about your wellbeing. And I really, really don't want you to feel you have to compare yourself and how much you're getting done to other people. It isn't comparable." 

:Yeah.:

:If that's most of the problem, I can heal you. Later. But - that's beside the point.: She returns her attention to Van. :Things are different for you because things are different for you. It wouldn't be comparable no matter how much you were or weren't doing.:

...There are plenty of times and places where that could be upsetting in itself – he's tired of being the only one who's broken in this particular way. But - he knows Deskyl gets it, even if she isn't sure why. :I know: 

Squeeze. :Good. And we can work on figuring out what is reasonable, and what you need to have to get by as well as you can.:

:All right: Vanyel is sort of wishing he had ever felt this reassured by Lancir. And then feeling bad for it because he's pretty sure Lancir has said a lot of the same things and he's just terrible at listening. 

:All right.: Squeeze. :Is there anything else you need right now?:

"No, it's fi–" He stops himself. "...Actually I could use help getting to sleep, probably, with the calming thing. I'm kind of bad at sleeping and - today was a lot." 

:Sure. Now?:

Vanyel spends a moment trying to decide if it's a reasonable time to go to bed, and concludes it doesn't matter, he's way too tired to do anything much with the evening. "Sure. Um, I'll go properly get ready for bed - just a minute–" He ducks into his room and shuts the door. 

Deskyl stands and offers Savil a hand up.

Savil takes it, groans a bit as her back creaks. "You said something earlier about healing? It's not that there's anything wrong with me in particular, I'm just old." 

:Yeah. I've never done it for aging before but it should work just fine - I'm not sure if it does life extension exactly, but it should get everything else no problem.:

"Huh! Well, it can keep for a while, it's not like I'm suffering terribly here in Haven - you did a lot today, I'm guessing you could use some rest." Savil raises her eyebrows a little, switches to private Mindspeech. :I'm still a bit in disbelief that Van, er, let you look at what happened. He trusts you a lot. Took months before he was anywhere near that comfortable with me: 

:I'm sure the progress he's made with you helped a lot - I get the impression that he's tried keeping it secret and decided he didn't like to.:

:I mean, he never had the option of keeping the - thing that happened - secret from me. I was there: Savil is also trying not to think about it in specifics; there's a lot of pain there for her, she knows it's not nearly as huge as it is for Vanyel but still. She shakes her head. :I do think he's gotten more comfortable coming to me when he's having a bad day, instead of just trying to hide from everyone: 

:That's good. I think the other part might be... fewer conflicts of interest, more or less. You're responsible for more than just him, you're always going to need to balance that. I get to say 'yeah, that inconveniences people, but you should do it anyway' if that's how I feel.:

Savil pauses for a bit, thinking, and then smiles. :You know, that makes sense. I wish I could be that for him - I think Lancir tries to be that - but Van knows both of us feel responsible for Valdemar. And that if he takes a day off, his work will fall on me, usually, I think that bothers him even though I've told him dozens of times that I don't mind. But none of that applies for you: She ducks her head. :I'm really grateful: