Baby steps, then. What's he scared of? Well, obviously, losing Haru. There is quite simply absolutely nothing else that could happen in his life that would compare to that. Maybe someday in the future, when they're married and have kids together (!!!!!), he's going to feel that strongly about their kids, but until then, it's just Haru.

Does Tae-gun feature in any scenario that involves him losing Haru? .........any realistic, plausible, sensible scenario, before his backlash starts being in fucking sane about this?

No. Not really. Haru loves him, he said so, and Jaeha could feel it too, and he will just take that as a fact and not question it because he's certain any questions will just be the backlash and so he can review this later when he's sane again but while backlashed he should just not look at any of the assumptions there and yeah that yeah okay good. Not questioning it. Starting from the assumption. Haru loves him, and wants to be with him, and they're going to get married and have beautiful babies and live happily ever after.

Victim. Victim. Victim. Rescuer. Victim.

Why... is he doing this again. 

Focus. Focus. Why is he doing this? For Haru for himself, to become a better person, to have better fallbacks, to fix his fucking brain. Which is important so that Haru will stay so that he'll be the person he wants to be.

Back to the topic. Lee Tae-gun. Was scary. Because he—made Jaeha realise that if all he wanted out of Haru was guiding then he didn't actually need Haru, he had a recently-available alternative right there with whom he was even more compatible, and the thought of not needing Haru was awful. He needs to need Haru.

Or he did. Now he... loves Haru. And Haru loves him. And he doesn't need to rely on—external incentives like backlash compatibility especially because if he did he'd be screwed because then Haru might find someone else chill.

The other thing: he has such strong associations between sex and guiding that such a strong feeling of guiding felt almost like—this is overly dramatic but almost like being sexually assaulted. He didn't want to feel those things, didn't want to—

Rescue team. Victim.

Fuck off can't you see he's busy he's here to do his job and he'll do his job.

He didn't want to be feeling sexual feelings about Lee Tae-gun because he's extremely monogamous, it turns out, and jealous besides, and he wants Haru all to himself and himself all to Haru. But it's not like he's not fine observing that other men are hot? And he wouldn't be opposed to, like, watching porn with Haru or anything. But... that was different.

How was it different?

Well, it seems obvious when he puts it like that but he should actually write it down rather than trust the obvious-seeming feeling.

It was different because the feeling of guiding is sort of personal. It's almost like touch, itself. It is touch, with anyone you're not as compatible with as Jaeha is with Lee Tae-gun, apparently (though given Lee Tae-gun's nonreaction it's probably asymmetrical). The associations are just strong and, even though it's a bare passive fact about the world that they are this compatible, it feels like Lee Tae-gun is kind of fondling him. Which is, of course, insane, though it felt—less insane at the time. And it's—probably the kind of thing that will have changed since then because, again, he's no longer insecure about his relationship with Haru. Or at least not that insecure, he's not so foolish as to think he's managed to already get over his issues related to that.

It'll still feel weird, and probably a bit arousing, but he won't feel—"tempted" is not the word, but something in that neighbourhood. He won't feel like Lee Tae-gun's very existence is threatening the stability of his relationship. And he can simply not fuck Lee Tae-gun, that's, like—it feels like—

—ohhhhhh he gets it now. It felt like when Haru suggested that he get Lee Tae-gun's help with his backlash Haru was suggesting that they should not be that monogamous.

Lol. He's so fucking stupid.

And going back to that first thing he wrote—

—that's fucking stupid, too. The fact that he and Lee Tae-gun happen to have powers and backlashes that are compatible has nothing to do with his feelings for Haru. Regardless of guiding feelings, being with Haru is the best thing in the world, and even if both of them lost their powers tomorrow he'd still want to be with Haru, and even if they somehow became incompatible he'd still want to be with Haru. He loves Haru, and Haru loves him pending re-examination upon sanity ...like yes pending that he supposes but it's also fucking stupid that he's questioning it again. 

He's soooooo fucking stupid, like, all the goddamn time.

Okay. 

Is he done?

...pending re-examination when he's sane, yes, he thinks he is. It feels like he's no longer terrified of the prospect of meeting Lee Tae-gun again, and he can probably make himself use Lee Tae-gun for guiding purposes if necessary, and they should meet again in advance of it being necessary so that he can have some exposure.

Victim. Victim. Victim.

Right. Back to work.

"Tadaima," he calls as he takes his shoes off.

Cricket, as usual, flees the room once Jaeha's close enough for Haru to grab his hand.

"Okaeri. That was a long one, how're you holding up -" Haru doesn't wait for him to answer before kissing him.

"I'm fine, it wasn't a hard one." Pause. "I mean, I'm fine in the sense I mean when I say that while backlashed," he amends.

Kiss. "So you are the expected and predictable and manageable amount of not-fine, then. Carry me to bed."

"Yes, sir." He loooooooooooooooves Haru and he particularly loves being bossed around by Haru.

Haru is perfectly capable of bossing him around some more till Jaeha is the rest of the way fine.

He has the BEST Haru. The very best.

What a coincidence, Haru has the best Jaeha.

Snuggle snuggle.

"So I have weird news."