Okay he's hugging her again. "I don't want to make it about me, or him. I'm sorry. I was—this is not making it about me, I just want to explain—at the hospital I was so scared, and you started talking about killing him in public and I was scared that he could be there, listening, and I wanted to be somewhere safe before we did that, and then we were, and I wanted to do that because I thought that's what you wanted, but I didn't want it. That's, that's a thing I did because of your feelings, the only reason I started talking about it was because I thought that was what you wanted. ...it sounds stupid but it's, it's lots of things, I can't list them all, but I want you to be happy and safe and good and powerful, I want it all the time, I want it more than anything, I don't want you to be scared but this is terrifying and it's, it's correct to be scared, but I don't want you to be, I want to protect you, I want, I want to protect you Hye-jin-ah. Please believe me. Everything I want is for you to be happy."

Yeah, she'll aim her sobbing to be onto him.

"You're shit at showing it. Get better at that," she mumbles, between sobs.

"I'm sorry. Please show me how. I don't know how. I love you and I don't know how to make you believe me."

"Ask someone else, I'm tired. I can't - I can't have another relationship where I'm just - telling a limp puppet what I want him to do. I can't, okay? Been there, done that, don't ask me to do it again but with you. So. ... Please try to figure it out? I. I don't really know either, anyway."

"Can I ask Juheon-hyung and Hyun-jae-noona? For tips. Or advice. Or—is this stupid. This might be stupid. I'm sorry I'm stupid. I don't know how to do this. I just want you to be okay. Sorry you just said you weren't going to tell me. Sorry I'm saying sorry all the time. I'm going to try to shut up."

Giggle-hiccup.

"Asking them is a good idea, yeah. They seem like they have their shit together," she agrees, amused through her tears. "I can - give feedback, and make requests, just, just, the balance now is... I can't - either of the extremes are bad, okay? The, the - making me the least important person in the world when there's anything else in the way, my feelings come last because I'll sort myself out, versus making me the most important person in the world, nothing else matters, only my feelings. I hate them both. I'm. I'm just me. I'm a broken fucked up mess and I. Don't know how to thread this needle either, I'm sorry. ... I'm also sorry for yelling, a lot of what I said was, uh, kind of unfair." Sniffle.

"...you're not the most important thing in the world but you're a lot more important to me than he is." This is the kind of thing he'd definitely never say without backlash; he knows this from the way he flinches after saying it even with backlash. Though the flinch might also be coming from him noticing it's true in the process of saying it. He feels like he should be having feelings about it but actually what he feels is hollow.

"Okay," she agrees, hesitantly, even though...

... It's hard to believe, okay. She'll try, but. She doesn't, yet.

Tae-gun wants to kill him for her so he's really not sure how to convey that better here!!

And he doesn't know what to do, if she can't tell him, and if he can't ask. He can't, can't guess, guessing what people are thinking or want or need is not a skill he has. "I'm scared you'll run away because I can't figure out how to do right by you, on my own. And you'd be right to, if that's what you need from me, because I just can't and will never be able to. And I want you to do that's right for you even if it scares me or upsets me. I actually don't understand why you didn't leave when this all started, that would've been better for you. Safer. You didn't even like me that much, then, it would've been easier."

“I told you my reasons then. It’s, principle, he doesn’t get to, to take people, like they’re things, that’s for dungeons. I’d want to fight him for anyone, and it being my partner in the line of fire just means, well. It’s definitely my job, then.” Sniffle. “I don’t think you’ve done wrong by me, not really, it’s, just, I’m. I need support? That I don’t just, just set up myself. I don’t know. I’m still here?”

Is she, though? Is she really? Because right now it feels like she's already gone. 

"Let's talk in the shower, we're both covered in..." Grime and sweat and blood and grey matter.

Yeah. They are. She nods. A shower is a good idea.

"Yeah," she agrees, softly.

He's going to bridal carry her there, actually. 

!!!!!

This earns a shy little smile from her, and she settles down on his arms. After the expected squeak of surprise.

"...it feels like rubbing it in but I don't mean it that way, I just want you to know. It was really hard and scary to let you stay here at first, but I did it because I wanted you to feel safe. And I think you were right to tell my friends, and it's good that we're going to get their help, I was only upset with the—way it happened. But it was a good idea. And telling all of them about Jaeha's backlash was—a little bit for them but mostly for you. And—maybe this doesn't count because it's dungeon related or because you might've died otherwise but—actually it doesn't count, never mind."

They arrive in the bathroom and he turns the water on from afar without setting her down yet.

"... Well now I'm curious," she says wryly, some of her usual humor peeking back.

"Everything in the hospital today was uncomfortable, but especially the part where I had to—" Aaah. He swallows and looks away. "Pee in a cup so they could use that to heat up your bladder and improve your backlash."

"They asked you to-?" she begins, then is distracted by thinking about the mechanics. Huh! That would work?? That did work??? Wild. "Well, um. Thank you, I didn't know that, that sounds, um. Awkward and embarrassing and I appreciate you putting up with it for, um. Me."

"I know what it's like, you know. For, for, for love to not be about you. From experience. And, and I'd never say I loved you if I didn't mean it the right way. I know words are cheap. I know you feel unsupported," what with how she literally just said so, but mentioning that he didn't before is uncool. "I'll, I'll try to figure it out. I'll ask someone else for help, I really can't do it alone, but—I love you, and asking for help about embarrassing things I really should be able to do and can't because I'm broken is, like, the least you deserve. ...that was weird phrasing. I mean it's the least I can do and you deserve a lot more. I don't know if I can give it to you. But you do."

Nod. "Okay. Thank you. ...... Would it be rubbing it in to explain how your earlier examples didn't, um, come across that way, or...? We can stop having feelings until we've both showered and probably eaten and then slept for twelve hours or something..."

He'll gently set her down, finally, because yeah shower, he wants to stop being reminded of how she was fucking shot. "No, that would be—good. Useful data. For, um. The future." Aaaaand his backlash is starting to subside, he can feel the words starting to melt away from his tongue again.

—oh wait he's still clothed. Both of them are. Right. that's a thing that needs to be fixed before showering. He'll start with undressing her, first.

She gives a nervous nod. Her clothes are spares from the Reno hospital; they don't fit her very well anyway, and come off easily enough.

"So the silo - I knew it was a large expression of trust and letting me into your safe space and - all that, and thank you for trusting me here. But, um. ... This isn't my house? None of this is mine or for me. Like, my clothes are only here because I pushed for it? There hasn't been, like, attempts to try to help me feel safe here? A-and I mean the first time you brought me here you were backlashed as Hell and then once I'm here the secret location is probably busted, might as well commit, right, and. ... Does that make sense?"

"...I... think so? I, um, am not sure what it would mean for something to be trying to help you feel safe here." Did he get her phrasing right? His immediate auditory memory isn't perfect. "I'd—like to find ways to make this more yours or for you but—you might not want that." Clearly he likes her a lot more than she likes him so of course he feels more comfortable with her than vice-versa and would want her to live with him but he guesses that if he corrects for that (however much this makes his heart ache) it would make sense for her to want to be away from him.

"Um. I don't know what it'd look like, and I don't think I want to move in move in, but. ... I think I would like the effort. To make me feel at home somewhere. Because mostly I just feel like I have nowhere that's mine and nowhere I can just exist. I - I bought a house and I can't even live in it, no one told me it needed to be secret or off the grid or or or rated for S-rank mind control espers and it just. It hurts so much."

Whoops, she's sobbing again.

...yeah. He can relate. He, too, had to lose a house and find a new one because of fucking Kang Jaeha. "I thought you were working on getting a new one...? Um. I can try to help with that?" He also has no idea what that would even mean, how could he possibly help, what could he possibly offer her that she doesn't already have. He should write down all of the things he's going to need help with figuring out.

He'll hug her again though because watching her cry breaks his heart and makes him feel like a worthless worm who only hurts the people he loves and has no right to exist or demand anything of anyone else.