"What's the thing that hurts? I want to help."

"It's —

— the way I look and the way I would look if I could choose are completely different, and I can't move any closer to the way I want to look, I'm not allowed to decide how long my hair should be or to wear makeup or to wear clothes that feel like they're mine, I can modify my clothes but not only is sewing a feminine activity that I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to give up I have to constantly be wondering whether this embroidery project is too femme, too counterculture, too something, and if my current eating habits continue she's going to tell my parents she recommends that I go to another ex-gay camp during the school year so I don't even get to decide what I put into my body — and I'm not allowed to use a name that fits, or pronouns that fit, or even a name that doesn't really fit but at least it's mine, I mentioned she wants to call me Alyosha? And there's this massive important part of myself that I haven't explored yet and I can't explore because it's not safe and I have to hide it and Asher got it, or maybe he didn't always understand but when I told him being a boy didn't fit right he said 'then you're a girl, do you want to be my girlfriend' like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and now he's gone and I can't —" and she buries her face in Lev's shoulder. 

"You... can be... my girlfriend?" he tries.

She feels like she's going to cry and she can't tell if it's in a good way or a bad way. "I'd love to be your girlfriend. Thank you." 

"I can't do anything about the rest of it. Uh. I guess I can help you pretend to eat more food maybe? But I'm also concerned about how little you eat. But I don't think going to another ex-gay camp will... help. And maybe you get to decide what you want to do with your own body even if you decide on something that might make you really sick?"

"You don't have to help me pretend to eat more but I think it'll be easier to eat for you than it will be to eat for Christine." 

"I think you probably get to decide what you want to put into your body but also I am really worried about you and I would be... somewhat less crushingly miserable all the time if you ate."

"Yeah. 'I'm doing this because Lev is worried about me' will be a lot easier than 'I'm doing this because if I don't Christine will find out' or 'I'm doing this because I probably should.'" She nuzzles his shoulder. 

"It feels like-- all the things you want are so little and so petty. Who cares what name you use, or whether you sew, or how long your hair is, or whether you wear a dress? It doesn't affect anybody else. It's such a small thing."

There is an obvious implication. Lev has never, as a person, been particularly good at ignoring obvious implications. 

"Yeah. I just — feel trapped, and it feels like I'm having all of my options taken away for no reason except to give me fewer options. I know it runs deeper than that but — there's no reason for it to, not a good one." 

"There's actually no reason to make you cut your hair or go by a guy's name and definitely no reason to make you stop going by Sasha."

Obvious implication! Obvious implication!

Yeah. Obvious implication. 

"There isn't. There really isn't." 

"I want to keep cuddling you forever but if we're both tired tomorrow Christine will notice."

"Go back to bed," she says, and kisses his forehead and then gets out of his lap, "I need to take a shower. Love you." 

"Love you."

She smiles at him for a moment and then does actually get in the shower. 

(She shaves off all the body hair she possibly can — well, no, what's on her arms is totally inoffensive, but she shaves her legs and armpits and chest and —) 

She gets out of the shower and goes back to bed and sleeps better than she has since Saturday. 

In the morning he wakes up and goes immediately to Marlo. 

"Hi. Uh. Sorry I've been avoiding you."

"You don't have to be," he says, but he's already glowing. 

"No, I mean-- I'm your friend, it's not fair to you to avoid you, I could tell it made you unhappy and I did it anyway and I'm sorry."

"You should get to have as much space as you need." 

Then, quieter:

"...but I'm happy you're back." 

"You should get to spend time with your friend."

"...I'm glad we're still friends." 

He'd like to hug Lev. He does not hug Lev. 

"...do you want a hug?"

"Yes, please," very quiet, and he isn't the one to move forward. 

Lev hugs him.

(Marlo is so grateful for such little things from him and it makes him feel like a terrible person.)