She's — not happy, exactly. 

She was right, it is easier to eat when she's doing it because Lev is worried about her and not because she's afraid of the consequences if she doesn't. She keeps track of what she's eating, figures out which things are more appealing than usual. She keeps shaving off all of her body hair; she likes the way her skin feels afterwards, soft and smooth. She finishes the bracelet for Asher and mails it to Natalie with a letter about how great the metal shop is and hidden instructions to mail it to Ron. She teaches Lev and Marlo metalworking, hangs out with Andre more so that Christine will see her spending time with people she hasn't had sex with. 

She writes up a list of names that aren't girl's names in English and that she doesn't hate; most of them only fit those criteria by not being names at all. She eliminates the ones that sound like they'd be girl names if they were names (Moss, Birch, Sparrow, Snow) and the ones she doesn't actually like that much (Garnet, Indigo, Ember) and keeps the list to mull over. 

She takes showers at night and lets herself cry in them. She doesn't sleep with Lev again; she does cuddle him, during free time and when they see each other in the bathroom at night. 

She wouldn't call herself happy. But it's better. 

Lev notices that Raine's legs are shaved and doesn't comment on it but starts having a lot of intrusive thoughts about how smooth her skin would be and how nice it would be to touch it.

"Today in group we'll be doing a shame circle. We will go around the room and say something we're ashamed of that is not related to our homosexuality. If you share the trait, you will stand."

Christine is ashamed of not having a high school diploma. (Everyone stands.) Dolph is ashamed of not winning the championship this year. Andre is ashamed of not knowing how to throw a football. (Lev stands for that one.) Clayton is ashamed of getting into so many fights with his parents.

Raine is.... ashamed of not having focused as much as she'd like to have on developing skills she cared about? Raine is sort of confused about shame as a concept. 

Lev stands up for Raine's thing. (So do Clayton and Dolph.) 

"I'm ashamed of... not having qualified for USAMO yet? Uh, it's a math competition."

The fact that no one else has qualified for USAMO either is not as reassuring as perhaps it was intended to be.

Marlo is ashamed of a wide variety of things but the one he lists is not having supported his sister as much as he should have. (Raine stands up.) 

"Now we will go around and say something we're ashamed of related to our homosexuality."

Christine is ashamed of the strain her homosexuality has put on her relationship with her brother. (Dolph and Clayton stand.) Dolph is ashamed of buying a pair of girls' panties. Andre is ashamed of kissing a straight boy for a show and imagining that the boy was gay and into him. Clayton is ashamed of watching porn instead of doing his homework. (Lev stands.)

Marlo is ashamed of not having treated his girlfriend the way she deserves. 

"I have. Fantasies about men sexually objectifying me and humiliating me and using me. And I like them."

He sits down very quickly.

Raine stands up. 

He looks at her gratefully.

He can't help glancing at Marlo to see his reaction.

He looks — proud, mostly. He's smiling the same way he always does when Lev shares in group, That was brave and I'm glad I could give that to you. 

That's good. Marlo doesn't hate him. 

And he's not broken like you, he's not sick like you, it's okay for him to be gay because he's not--

It doesn't matter whether Marlo is sick like him because he's not going to sleep with Marlo anyway.

Raine is ashamed of, fuck, what is Raine ashamed of that relates to being gay. Not the sucking dick not the crossdressing — there have been sexual decisions she regrets but none she'd call herself ashamed of — you know what close e-fucking-nough. 

"I'm... ashamed of having slept with that one self-hating football player who still thought he was straight and took his self-hatred out on me, that was a really bad choice and I should not have made it." 

Dolph stands up.

"As we can see from this exercise, even some of our most-- specific-- "-- she glances at Alexander-- "shames are shared by other people. We often want to suffer with our shames alone, but true intimacy with other men means sharing the things we're ashamed of. Same-sex attraction only grows in a field of shame."

Christine can glance at Raine all she wants, she still made an effort to participate honestly. (She is deeply deeply dubious about same-sex attraction only growing in a field of shame, because as far as she knows she has never been ashamed of herself, but she's not going to start that conversation.) 

Alexander has his second eating-disorder therapy session on Saturday. Christine ignores all attempts to redirect the topic away from Alexander's eating. She goes over his record and praises him for eating more. The purpose of the session is primarily to agree on what the triggers and causes of Alexander's eating disorder are.

He is not going to agree that it was caused by his homosexuality and he is very sure that Christine is not going to agree that it wasn't. This session seems kind of pointless. He doesn't say that. 

"Lev's been helping," he says, instead of that. 

"I'm glad," she says. "Would you say a perceived lack of social support is one of the triggers for your eating disorder?"

"Depends on what you mean by a perceived lack of social support," he says, which isn't no. 

"If you feel like you don't have someone to talk to about your problems who will accept you, you might eat less?"

"...that's part of it," he says, because it is. 

"What else do you think is part of it?"

".....it's at least partially about control," he says, very carefully. "I don't get to decide what kind of clothes I wear and I don't get to decide what name I use, but I get to decide what I put in my body. Except for how now I don't."