"...I don't need to get it. If you're not happy then you're not. But — one of the things I like about you is how you get when you smile, or when you're talking about something you're passionate about, I don't even care that much about math but I loved learning math from you because when you were teaching you looked like maybe you weren't so miserable." 

"I want to get you all the things you want. But I also want to get better and that means being miserable. For a while. I hope not forever."

"...if getting better makes you miserable, are you sure —" 

She cuts herself off and hugs Lev tighter. 

"I'm sick. I want sick things."

"Like what?" 

"I like... thinking about getting fucked by guys whose names I don't know and whose faces I can't see, lots of them, especially if it's in public. Thinking about getting used and degraded and objectified, and everyone knows, and no one cares because it's, it's normal--"

"...Lev, that's not actually a normal thing to have happen, but it's not even weird as a thing to fantasize about." 

"...Really?"

"Really. I have an online friend who draws porn for commissions, I have seen the kinds of things people ask for when it's anonymous, that is so not weird. I definitely have weirder kinks than that." 

It's gay, he shouldn't, it's wrong to ask--

"What are your weird kinks?"

"Being mind controlled. Being drugged so I'm all sweet and calm while someone does whatever they want with me. Being held down and forcibly injected with estrogen — I should really have noticed I was kind of a girl earlier, wow. And my kinks aren't that weird either." 

He's blushing.

"I like. The drugs one."

He's cute.

"I don't really know enough about drugs to pick one that would actually work so usually when I think about that one I set it on a fantasy world where I can decide the drugs work however I want because they're not real," and she says it like it's an admission, because she's pretty sure Lev will think it's funny or at least that he'll smile. 

"That's cute. --Before I came here I only jerked off to porn with like twenty thousand words of build up because I wanted to know that they loved each other."

"Oh my god you're adorable." 

Lev kisses her cheek. "Not as adorable as you."

She buries her face in his shoulder and curls up against his side. "I love you." 

"We can't do this more than once. Christine will know."

"Yeah. I know. 

We can still be friends, though, right?" 

"Of course. And maybe after camp we can, you know." 

She nods and moves into Lev's lap, stays curled up. "I do know." 

"And... maybe we can cuddle? Since we're supposed to cuddle for therapy anyway? And it would be weird if cuddles were only a good thing for my recovery in group?"

He almost adds "but if we kiss we'll have to stop cuddling," realizes that if he says that he won't get to kiss Raine and claim that it wasn't his fault and he was swept away by passion, realizes that if he is planning to be swept away by passion it definitely doesn't count as being swept away by passion, and clunks his head into the wall. 

"I would be happy with cuddling. It's — the thing that hurts isn't not having sex, it's everything else." She pauses, considers for a moment, and then kisses his forehead. 

Lev pulls her into his lap and kisses her, deliberately, as a free choice.

(Self-awareness sucks.)

She kisses him and then rests their foreheads together, interlaces their fingers again. 

"I love you."