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Taliar in Evil Arda
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He is absolutely still in love with Maitimo but now being in love with Maitimo hurts. And so does the knowledge of Findekáno's oaths, a constant pressure of wrongness in his mind, interrupting his thoughts at every turn.

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So he looks up at Findekáno and says, softly, "wall", and Findekáno nods and turns and walks over - Maitimo's taken the chains down, they're hard to pass off as just decorative - and puts them back in place and checks that they are secure and then chains himself, hand and foot, and then -

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"You idiot," he snarls, and Maitimo leans back on the bed and sighs.

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And says to Taliar, nothing mind-affecting now.

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He sniffles. He realizes that he's fairly badly bruised from suddenly collapsing to the floor in tears. He can't muster the emotional energy to have any kind of reaction to that.

It's - less intolerably bad, for there to be nothing mind-affecting. If he still had most of his soul he could set his sights on fixing it and three days later maybe he'd have a power for erasing oaths. He's too tired to play out the consequences but there's probably some way in which erasing Findekáno's oaths leads to an enormous disaster that gets thousands of people killed. He has already figured out that killing himself won't help anything, why is he thinking about it again.

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"Could cause a civil war, probably wouldn't, since Findekáno could avoid the civil war by continuing to act in the ways he's currently constrained to act." He stands, carefully not touching the soul dangling from his wrist. He places it around his neck, carefully, so it does not touch him. 

 

And he picks Taliar up off the floor and sets him down again on the bed and says "I am not going to let you kill yourself; we need you too badly."

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He is not going to kill himself. It would be an unconscionable abdication of responsibility. At the moment he can't think of any options that match it for personal appeal, but he's sure they'll figure something out, there are three very smart people in this room.

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"Can you explain the appeal, I don't see it."

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Well you see if he were dead he wouldn't have to deal with any of this. Ceasing to have any experiences at all sounds much more fun than continuing to experience his ongoing failure to have solved this problem.

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His hand closes around Taliar's soul again. Findekáno makes a strangled noise.

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Tears run silently down his face. His mind fills with love and horror.

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And he 

 

- listens, and -

 

 

- runs a hand through his hair, rearranges him on the bed, checks on the bruises -

 

"I'm sorry," he says aloud - to Findekáno, maybe, Taliar certainly can't hear him -

 

- he lets go -

 

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He recovers a little faster this time. The thought that it might be possible to get used to this is terrifying. He can't conceive of ever being able to meaningfully function with that storm in his head, but being able to bounce back from it afterward...? Frighteningly plausible.

But this is why he gave Maitimo his soul, isn't it - specifically to put himself as far into Maitimo's power as it is possible to go, because any path through this situation where he retains the option of opposing Maitimo by force is a wrong path. And part of that - which he knew when he chose this, though he didn't have time to reason it out explicitly - inherent in that decision is the resolve that whatever Maitimo does to him is fine as long as it ends in the defeat of the Enemy.

Right, Taliar, time to quit wallowing and get to work. (It has been, what, less than five minutes since that shattering revelation, and what feels like nearly all of that time spent with his soul in Maitimo's hands, that's not enough time to recover, he is not okay, not even close - but the spark of his soul glows a little brighter when he decides to start thinking practically anyway. No one ever promised him that being a soulbearer would be easy.)

Now that his soul's confusion has been resolved, he has an actual source of reliable information about what it needs if it's going to recover. He starts thinking about options and feeling how it reacts.

He will never have more than a spark as long as Maitimo keeping Findekáno as a - sex slave - is an ongoing phenomenon. There's too much of Taliar wrapped up in his love for Maitimo, and it's too fundamentally opposed to Taliar's nature as a person. Mind-altering oaths are likewise right out. It's doubtful but just barely possible that his soul can countenance Findekáno continuing to be a prisoner at all.

But there's something else there - ah. Of course. He already decided that whatever Maitimo does to him is fine as long as it ends in the defeat of the Enemy, and his soul can abide by that. It won't be happy, but it'll be capable of reclaiming its former glory, if a little slower. Because, after all, deliberate self-sacrifice at need is an aspect of Taliar's best self. He is allowed to accept things happening to him that he cannot abide happening to anyone else. A small part of him wishes that this were not the case, but on reflection, if having that option makes it easier for Maitimo to cooperate towards the defeat of the Enemy - if it gets them there a month, a week, a day sooner - he's glad of it. (The spark's light steadies.)

And, on the other side of the scale, not 'how can I become able to recover at all' but 'how can I recover as fast as possible'... the mysterious trouble blocking Maitimo from affecting his soul is, evidently, gone. Maitimo has already verified that he's not secretly evil except for the crime of keeping a boyfriend - Taliar is such an idiot, he should've guessed immediately - so that is the only remaining obstacle stopping Taliar's soul from delighting in Maitimo the way he thought it should. If Maitimo gets to the point where Taliar's soul can accept him without flinching - where, beyond merely not raping anyone (else) at the moment, he is no longer the sort of person who would - it will all come back instantly, and more. A healing aura the size of the continent would not be out of the question. Taliar's love for Maitimo is an intensely powerful force.

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You two are not interchangeable, he says. But if it's what you need to win the war - and an anguished whimper - I can figure something out to let him mostly go -

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If I could catapult myself into godhood by force of sheer willpower and win the war for you this instant, I would. And he has no idea what he'd do afterward, but that's a separate issue. This is what we've got to work with.

It's awful for Maitimo to be in pain, and incomprehensible for it to be because of this - but Taliar does not get to choose how other people's minds work, wouldn't if he could - this is what they've got to work with, indeed.

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Need time to say goodbye - is that okay, if I don't hurt him -

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Well, Taliar's soul isn't getting any worse at the moment. If Maitimo takes some time to say goodbye without doing any more active harm, it'll delay Taliar's recovery but not give him a deeper pit to climb out of.

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And after a minute he gets out of bed and walks over to Findekáno and hugs him and breathes unsteadily for a while. What -what are you going to do -

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Are you going to hurt him? Please don't hurt him -

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Why are you two - disgust and confusion and annoyance, he doesn't even have a word for it aside from 'the thing the Valar want people to be' -

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He's terrified of you, Maitimo, he loves you, don't hurt him.

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And then the war ends and I never - neither of you, and there's no one else I've ever wanted -

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I'll come back when the war ends.

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Don't think you can, don't think the fucking soul thing'll let that count- Findekáno, Findekáno -

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Soul thing needs me to just - walk away, no consequences -

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