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Taliar in Evil Arda
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I think so.

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And you won't - won't let the country suffer for it -

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He doesn't say anything, just rests his head on Maitimo's shoulder.

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And Maitimo unchains him.

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And he walks over to the balcony and looks out and breathes deeply and says to Taliar - so, problem here, even though I'm very deeply tempted to leave him to handle this on his own, there's no way I'm leaving him you.

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Aren't we a pair, he says, with a quiet, shaky noise distantly resembling laughter.

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Fascinating taste, my boyfriend has. 

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Shining beacons of virtue?

He can hear the words in his head in Esarkan's voice. His imagined version of the Emperor can't help slipping in an I told you so, with a nod to the memory of when he first arrived here and imagined Esarkan telling him not to be so trusting. Imaginary Esarkan is apparently just as much of an annoyingly accurate cynic as the real thing.

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That is not something that'd come to mind to describe himself. People who expect better of him, maybe. ...I'm not sure being less trusting would have helped anything - maybe you could have found out sooner, but what would that achieve -

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If I'd found out sooner... I don't know. I honestly believe that the best place in this world for me to be, if I want to win this war, is right here and in love with Maitimo. If I'd found out too soon I wouldn't have fallen in love. If I'd found out any later than this, I'd be starting that much later on rebuilding my soul. This... I hate to say it, but this might've been the best thing that could've happened. Short of if he'd gone for my 'stop being secretly evil without telling me' plan, I guess. I don't...

He doesn't understand Maitimo. It seems rather important for him to understand Maitimo, under the circumstances, and he really, really doesn't.

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I'm not sure I can help much there. I understand how to manage his mood and how to play his game and get things I want from him, but I take it that's not -- what you're concerned with.

 

He considers personal virtue to be 'that thing which is the endstate of Vala mind alteration', that's part of it, and he feels the need to check whether he's really safe-by-which-he-means-really-in-power - and then, obviously, he happens to get off on having people helpless and at his mercy -

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Well, says Taliar. I don't think there's any danger of me exerting power over Maitimo anytime soon.

And Maitimo being mentally altered to a state of greater virtue would be worse than the current disaster, because Taliar's soul would be utterly beyond recovery for as long as it remained the case - assuming, as seems likely, that it was not Maitimo's completely free and uncoerced choice and was in some sense Taliar's fault - and Taliar wouldn't be able to fix it with magic while his soul was wrecked over it, and his soul would keep being wrecked over it until something fixed it...

That... does help build a better picture than the one I had, though. Thank you.

Living in a world where virtue is a thing imposed on you by an outside authority... he can hardly imagine it. If anything, in Taliar's life, it's gone the other way. Esarkan keeps the Kazarynes around to lend him their virtue since he doesn't have much of his own. He hates the thought of being a part of that pattern for Maitimo, another external imposition trying to change him... but he literally can't do anything else, short of suicide, which, again, is not an option. His soul is the way it is and he can't change that, nor can he change the fact that appeasing it is the best avenue to defeating the Enemy.

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So I cannot just swear to be the sort of person your soul approves of.

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Not unless being the sort of person my soul approves of is something you genuinely want for its own sake and would seek even if you didn't need it to win the war. And it really doesn't sound like that's the case.

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No. Definitely no if achieved by rewriting my head. I want - I want to do better than good people at the things they care about, I want a lovely happy kingdom, but if it wasn't necessary to win the war I don't want to be good.

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'I want to do better than good people at the things they care about'. Wow. That's... yes. That makes sense of so much that he didn't understand until now.

That's exactly the thing I fell in love with you for. I love you so much, Maitimo.

And it hurts, but - he can't regret it. Everything he loves about Maitimo is real. He is the sort of person who would fall in love with the sort of person Maitimo is. That's just... turned out to be more complicated than he could have imagined.

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I have been - trying to keep people around to lend me their virtue. I just need it to be true that I listen to them because I feel like it. And if I'm virtuous for them it feels a little less sickening if I'm not also virtuous towards them.

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Well, says Taliar. I'm sorry to complicate that so much.

He isn't sure how well placed he is to serve that function. He wants to, though, if he can.

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Alright. Right now I am going to let you sleep, you look a wreck, and I am going to have Findekáno taken downstairs because he won't leave of his own accord, unless you'd rather have him nearby, and then we will talk in the morning.

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I don't know where I want Findekáno. Where does Findekáno want Findekáno?

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Wherever makes the soul artifact happy and wins the war, though even if the soul artifact's okay with me abandoning you to Maitimo I am not okay with that.

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The soul artifact is okay with you abandoning me to Maitimo. I am also okay with you abandoning me to Maitimo. I didn't do this thinking it would turn out comfortably for me, and unlike me, you don't have the thing that's going to win this war constraining what you can and can't abandon people to. But if you still want to stay, and can manage it without anything inherently objectionable happening to you...

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I want you to stay. 

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He sighs. 

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