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Taliar in Evil Arda
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"I'm kind of curious what mine would ask of me. Not that I'm sure I'd do it, even if it were possible in our world.

 

Once you get back to being strong enough to overthrow the Enemy, what are you going to do?"

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"Overthrow the Enemy, I guess. Then..."

He doesn't particularly want to spend the rest of forever as Maitimo's prisoner. He also doesn't particularly want to flee the universe and never see Maitimo again. He thinks maybe, if he could, he'd like to do something like what he dreamed of before last night. Bridge the worlds, build a hundred paradises, give Maitimo a continent or two. Stay with him. Love him. And see if it gets less complicated over time.

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"I don't think I understand you very well. Which is embarrassing. I'm usually good at people and I get to read your mind."

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"Which part of that answer confuses you?"

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"You're planning on eventually staying, and you're also terrified - look, how long is it going to take you to rebuild your soul, assuming no sudden conformity to your ethics on my part?"

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"I don't know. Months? Probably not as long as a year. I haven't sorted it out in my head yet, I haven't - found something to build from, but that's what it feels like."

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"So, I am not going to throw away all of eternity so I can mess around with you during the few months you are vulnerable to it."

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"...throw away all of eternity in what sense?"

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"...make you want to run away, once you can?"

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"Oh. Uh, I hate to point this out, but I think you might be missing the significance of 'anything as long as it ends in the defeat of the Enemy'."

When he made that prediction about what he'll want to do after he wins, it was not under the assumption that he is going to have a perfectly comfortable time until then. It's a little bit like... well.

Esarkan sent him to Atialemain expecting him to have to manifest his soul there. Manipulating someone into manifesting their soul is already decidedly shady. While he was there, some of the time he spent around Seofar's close friends and associates was... not perfectly comfortable. (He remembers a soul like a curl of red smoke trapped in dark amber, and then flinches from the rest of the memory.) She never actually touched him, but she made it clear that she was only putting it off because scaring him first was more fun. And then he locked himself in his bedroom and spent the night manifesting his soul and the rest, as they say, is history. And this hasn't put him off going places Esarkan sends him. Because even though Esarkan almost certainly guessed something like that would happen, and even though it might easily have gone much worse for Taliar than it did... it ended up letting him save the whole province, and that matters more. He'd go there again ten times if there were ten provinces to save.

He understands Maitimo better now than he did when he threw his soul at him, but he still doesn't really know how being Maitimo works. If he turns out to insist on touching Taliar's soul, or whatever else - and deliberately touching someone's soul is considered the most grievous possible torture, which he knew when he threw it at Maitimo, and it certainly lived up to its reputation - well. Being here is letting him save a whole world. He doesn't know that it isn't - somehow integral to Maitimo's continued functioning right now, to have a virtuous person to mistreat, or somehow irresistible to him if he has the opportunity - and he wasn't counting on being that lucky.

On reflection he is not entirely sure whether that explanation made any sense. He feels like there are some fundamental assumptions underlying his thoughts that he's having trouble identifying in order to successfully communicate them.

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"I understand the bit where, given that it's true that I'm not going to lose anything even your regard if I hurt you, you'd tell me so, I don't understand the bit where I don't lose your regard if I hurt you.

 

 

I'm probably not going to be that functional. But it's only six months."

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"...I get more upset about other people getting hurt than I do about me getting hurt, generally speaking and also particularly when I care about them, so if finding out what the crime of keeping a boyfriend actually is didn't make me fall out of love with you, that's pretty strong evidence... and also you picked up my soul, on purpose, and here I am, still in love with you... those are sort of - effects rather than causes, though."

And he would really like Maitimo to be functional, Maitimo has a really important job and is also, himself, someone Taliar cares about - is it pure loss-of-Findekano that's doing it, can this be mitigated at all without Unacceptable Things -

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I love him, I'm going to miss him so badly if he leaves, but it's - more than that, it's not being in control of anything -

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I'm not sure I understand...

But he hugs Maitimo anyway.

(It might be more than six months, he doesn't know, months-ish is how long it feels like it'll take him to get back to where he was yesterday, he has much less information on how long it'll take to get from there to evil-god-handling levels...)

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I really liked the Valar having given up on us, the only powerful thing I had to take into account being one I ought to kill without complications -

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Well. I'm sorry that I complicate things. Hug. But I don't know if there's really anything I can do about it. I'm sort of... going to turn into a world-saving paradise-building person of godlike power by nature, and we also need me to do that to kill the Enemy. Or is it my soul making demands that's the problem, or both?

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Your soul making demands. I don't care what paradises you build, as long as I could opt out of them and go build my own if I didn't like the rules yours were run on, but your soul doesn't want me to obey laws within its jurisdiction, or even to act a certain way all the time and everywhere, it wants me to be a certain thing, and it's a thing I've spent my whole life not being sure I haven't been or won't at any moment be tweaked into against my will.

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I'm sorry. I mean - I can't really be sorry that it ended up getting Findekano rescued, but I am sorry that it hurts you.

This is all very complicated. He does not want to be in love with a rapist, but he's in love with Maitimo and doesn't want to deny that or stop, and he definitely doesn't want Maitimo to end up being forced to change who he is as a person against his will, but then... yeah. Complicated.

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For whatever it's worth, I - don't think that'd be Findekáno's main objection. It's - the thing you've been dwelling on most but he'd be much more upset I killed his parents. Given - given that, and given that I couldn't let him go, I don't think he prefers I'd have locked him up somewhere far away and ignored him...

 

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Unfortunately my soul can't really be argued around, or I'd already have convinced it that now is the time to cheat at absolutely everything and become a god immediately. But... I don't know. Do you think resurrecting his parents will help? Not with the political situation, obviously, I trust your judgment on that, but - after I kill the Enemy and build a paradise or two... I want him to be okay and I also want you to be okay.

He wants everyone to be okay. If there was a way for Nahira - she of the red-smoke soul and threatening late-night conversation, on which occasion she also claimed she raped his mother - to be okay without being a danger to every vulnerable person she ever meets and particularly members of his family for some reason, he'd have preferred that to killing her.

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Yeah. Yeah, I think that'd help. I can't think whether knowing how much I needed him, how much I still do, will help or not - I think he'd rather I'd have done it because I looked at the prospect of forever without him and realized I could maybe endure it and certainly couldn't build a safe world while facing it -

 

- compared to having done it to spite his father, or something -

 

- but he might just not want to hear it at all.

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Well, then. I'll look for them when I'm stealing souls from Mandos.

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Under different circumstances I would be so delighted you were mine.

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I love you.

And it already hurts less to think it. Having this conversation seems to have been a good idea.

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WIsh we'd learned what it does, touching it, before all the complications - I love it so much, it's the most intensely delightful thing I can imagine, and if it'd been before all of this it wouldn't even hurt you -

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