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Sep 20, 2020 12:18 AM
Abadar uses a helm of opposite alignment on Hagan and a bad time is had by all
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I think that I am maybe mad about - you indicating that I needed to be on your side and try very very hard to give you what you wanted even it hurt, and then - you not monitoring whether you were hurting me, or being able to monitor where I was without me telling you. Either of those shortcomings in isolation would have been fine, but together they were - something that I think that I am mad about. I think that maybe I am mad about you offering to do things that would make things less - soul-destroying - not even about the pain directly, just, like, offering to practice comforting me and ask if you had gotten it right and then never actually doing that? And I think that maybe I am mad about - you assuming that the pain had gone away after I tried the fear spell, when I know - I think that I know - that I have told you that it doesn't take away fear and certainly doesn't take away pain, it just - makes it possible to move past an involuntary fear reaction for long enough to do what must be done? I think that I am probably angry about that. If that's - allowed.

She is sort of crumpling inward on herself.

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"You can go," he says to Fazil when he's done reading this.

 


Fazil leaves.

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"Sorry."

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"You didn't do anything wrong."

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She hugs herself. 

"Forgot to - be thinking about what to say in front of Fazil and what to not - and stuff - "

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Shrug. "I'm not angry."

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"Feel very upset about the idea that I made a mistake and I don't clearly know what it was and I don't know what to - do with that - I'm sorry I can't think right - "

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"Sometimes I get upset or want to be alone or want - Fazil to not be there shaking about having to read stuff to me- and it's not because you did anything wrong."

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"I am sorry that I stopped paying attention to how Fazil was feeling. I think. Because I was thinking about myself.

"I should - apologize to him for that."

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"I don't think that's your job. To track that."

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"Maybe not. Maybe sometimes. But - I want to acknowledge the wrong?"

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"Well. If you write him a note I'll pass it on. But really I think it's on him, if he gets upset so easily."

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- she starts crying. She doesn't mean to but she isn't any good at not crying, anymore, without her armor. She tries to be unobtrusive about it and not make any sounds.

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"Shhh, shhh, it's okay, it's okay. I'm not mad, not at you, not at him - what's wrong -"

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Nodnodnodnod. "Sorry. M'sorry. I don't - I'm scared of people thinking that it's my fault if I'm easily upset - I know that's not what you said - "

 

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"I guess it's the same underlying opinion, though." Sigh. "I'm not really upset with Fazil I just didn't want to keep doing this through him. Since we weren't even using his advice really."

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Nodnodnodnod. "Yeah. That makes sense. I'm sorry. I am - glad that he knows some things. I don't know if I should be because I don't want to make things so much harder for him, but - "

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"But?"

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"But it is - reassuring for people to confirm that anything that has happened to me is - bad."

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He looks confused, but nods.

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"I keep worrying that at some point someone is just - going to say that I don't really have anything to complain about. Or - I guess they wouldn't say that in front of you. But - worried that people are going to think that I'm being pathetic and childish."

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"I don't think anyone thinks that. Though you're right they wouldn't say it to me."

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Nodnod.

 

"Fazil said that - we should consider having me live somewhere else."

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"Yeah. Makes sense. The palace is bad for people. The other one's not much better but - it has the sky."

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Nodnodnod.

"I think I would like the sky.

 

"I am - worried that I don't have any ideas for getting better from here besides not seeing you for a while. Maybe a long while. Maybe Fazil is right and it would work even if I were planning to see you again later, as long as I didn't - constantly have to be thinking about it. But I'm not - I don't know if you would be open to considering that. I just don't really know what else to do. I had ideas, before, but - I think I am missing the pieces I would have needed for them to work."

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