"Yeah. I dunno what it is. But eventually it wasn't just sex, it was - everything. Walking. Sitting down.

"I thought you knew."

"By reading your mind? I guess I should have done that but I mostly expected it'd make things worse."

"No, I just - didn't think I was that good at hiding it."

"Well, I wasn't expecting you to be hiding it. And people'd said it'd get better with time. And we'd thrown all the spells at it."

"I thought I was supposed to be hiding it if I was in pain. Because - you didn't want me to cry. Or - make a big deal out of things. Be manipulative. Try to force your hand. I don't remember exactly what you said."

"- that makes sense. I guess I don't - know that I would've been good about it, if I'd known. I'd have liked to but maybe it wouldn't actually have helped."

"I was really - I very much expected that you would just be upset with me for complaining about things. S'why I had to tear the wanting out. So I wouldn't - do things that I wasn't supposed to. Indicate that I wanted to hold back things that you didn't want me to hold back. No matter how much any given thing was hurting."

"That makes sense. I - I think I was looking to whether you were arguing with me as a sign about whether you were on my side."

"Is it okay if I am kind of mad about - not being supposed to argue with anything and also not getting to - have someone who was looking out to make sure that the things that I was scared of were not doing lots and lots of damage to me. Because I think I might be mad about that."

"That makes sense. I think... I was supposed to look out for that. And I tried, but I failed."

Nodnod.

"I - still don't want to pin the afterlives of everyone in Osirion on the hope that one specific baby is going to be capable of being pharaoh. But I guess I might need to take some time to be mad about the last year before I can - do anything about it.

"I guess I can't really do anything about it anyway unless you think it's a good idea."

"If you thought it was I guess I would be willing to try."

Sigh.

"I feel like - I don't want to have gone through all of this and not even save anybody."

"Well. If you want to I won't stop you. But I'm not going to - hope - I'm too tired."

Nodnod. Snuggle.

She's quiet for a while.

"Kinda wanna do the thing where Fazil comes in and you can talk and I can write things. At some point. And see if we can talk about where we are. But I dunno if that's just mean."

"Why would it be mean?"

"Kinda wanna hear you acknowledge to someone else that you messed up at some point. And I know - you know that - and I know Fazil doesn't want to think badly of you and you don't want him to think badly of you, so I don't know if wanting - what I used to have of a social circle, to acknowledge that anything bad happened to me, is just - I just don't wanna break anything."

"I bet it has already occurred to Fazil that I messed up at several points. Though it might be terribly awkward for him trying to figure out what he can safely say about it." He sounds kind of pleased about this.

"Well. I dunno if talking to him about - some of what happened - will be remotely useful therapeutic practice, but - 

" - supposed to be wanting things, right?"

"Yeah. You are. So we should do it."

"Okay.

"Maybe tomorrow or something. Unless you're busy."

"Not that busy. We can do tomorrow."

Nodnod. Snuggle.

"Thank you.

"Feeling kind of borderline okay at this specific second, only - I don't think I like it - because it means that if anything terrible happens it'll hurt more than when I'm expecting terrible things to happen."

"I think I do a lot of that. Trying to expect the worst thing so at least nothing will be bad and also make me feel dumb."

"Yeah. But not even just feeling dumb, it's like - I don't know how to deal with the fact that - the thing I want is to not have to wear armor. But the fact that I let you inside my armor was - why this was so bad. Some of why it was so bad. It hurt a lot worse, than it would have, because - I didn't know how to defend myself from that angle. I don't know if that makes sense.

"Used to imagine you'd left me back in Numeria. 'Cause at least then it wouldn't be someone I trusted, doing any of this."