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Dec 04, 2020 6:42 PM
Abadar uses a helm of opposite alignment on Hagan and a bad time is had by all
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"That sounds good."

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"Okay."

Snuggle.

"Do you want to - should I tell you anything about the things I think I want? Some of them?"

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"Yeah. You should do that."

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"Okay. - you won't be annoyed? I'm not - demanding things, just - it's a lot of what I was supposed to be recovering, right, the ability to want things?"

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"Yeah. I'm really happy. I want you to be recovered."

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"Okay. Sorry. Habit.

"I wanna be close to you again. Wanna - get to know you, be able to feel safe with you, and valued, and loved, if those are things you want me to feel. And eventually - I wanna get to thinking about - how to maybe get to be comfortable enough to want to sleep with you again. I'm sorry, I know that's a confusing way to put it - I think parts of the wanting are broken? Not gone, but - not working like they were. But - if doesn't keep me from missing you. I miss you a lot. I wanna be able to - have things be good with you. And be touched, and have it be nice, and not terrible. I think I can get it back, if we're patient enough. At least in theory.

"I wanna do it my way, this time, though. I don't wanna do things I'm not ready for. I don't wanna do anything that hurts, or makes me feel humiliated or trapped or used or like a slave or a prostitute. Don't wanna do anything I'm not allowed to say no to. Don't wanna try to navigate any of this when you're being the pharaoh. Wanna be listened to. Wanna - try things the way I would have wanted to try them before. Now that you have Khemet. 

"And also I want a Calistrian Priestess, to see if they can help with - you know. I don't usually like them but I think they're the people to go to about this particular variety of problem, if no one else seems able to help."

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" - yeah, makes sense. I don't - think of you like a slave - I tried, you know, to have children by other people, and it didn't work because it wasn't -" Shrug. "They weren't people to me and so all I felt was sad."

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Snuggle. "I know. If I thought you did then I don't think I'd want it at all. But if you don't, then - there's probably some way to do it that doesn't make me feel like you do, right?"

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"Yeah. That makes sense."

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"You wanna hear what I'm scared of?"

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"Sure."

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"Scared that maybe I am being overly optimistic again and that you don't - actually care very much about being intimate in ways that make me feel loved or valued or respected or safe. And that it won't work because you don't - because that's not something you want out of being with me. Or that it's incompatible with whatever you do want.

" - this, uh, isn't meant as an accusation or a claim about what's true, just, uh - helpful pointers about what things I might value reassurances about?"

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"Mmhmm. I'm trying to - a thing I tried to do a lot when we first got to the palace, was to only say things I was sure of, because I didn't want to lead you to expect things I couldn't do. But I think maybe I wasn't reassuring you enough. I don't know exactly how to fix that but I am trying."

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"That... makes sense.

"I think - there is a problem where before you turned evil I expected you to be doing your best at, uh, a reasonable set of things with regard to me. And - I don't think I have ever really gotten to the point where I really feel like I understand what things you are trying to prioritize, with me, the way you are now. So - most of that, uh, foundational trust, that there was before, most of it is gone now. And - I guess when we first got to the palace, I made a lot of attempts to - indicate to you what fronts I wanted reassurance on, what things I wanted to hear that you were going to work on, or wanted to happen, or were willing to put in effort for once you had any effort to put in. But, you know, without being excessively needy or demanding. And I don't really think this worked at all. I guess maybe that means that I shouldn't keep trying it, but - I don't actually have that many other ideas for easy things that might help make me less nervous about all of this? And - I guess on some level it's kind of confusing and concerning when I offer you a list of things that it would be reassuring to hear that you care about, at all, and then don't get a reassurance that you care about at least one of those things back? I'm trying to be really transparent about what would be helpful, because it's not fair to you to expect you to come up with the right words without help. And I'm trying to pick things that don't demand very high levels of certainty on your part, so there's a better chance that you can find something helpful and true to say. And - if I am doing that wrong or it's a bad thing to ask for, then - I would like to know?"

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"I want you to feel loved and valued and respected and safe. Because you are my wife, and I love you and value you and respect you and I want to be able to keep you safe."

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"Okay. Thank you," she says, softly. "M'sorry for needing to hear it. If it's annoying."

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"Not annoying, exactly, just - the first ten things I think of aren't just saying back to you what you just said. But I can do it."

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"Yeah. I guess it's not really a maximally ideal way of getting it. But I think maybe I need to hear it? I think am maybe going to need to hear similar things a lot. Even though they're not - new information, exactly."

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