"I think mostly I am - scared? I feel like I can't have anything without breaking you and that makes it hard to even want anything, since it'd be - wanting to break you -"

She hugs him tighter.

"I think that is probably not true. But - I am not sure if the things that you can have are the things you want. Or the things you need. But I want to give you what you need. If I can.

"I'm sorry for being so weak."

He shrugs. "I mostly try not to wish things were different."

"I wished a lot. 

"Can we - you used to lie down and hold me, before I left? And I don't know if I have all the right words, but - I want to - I'd like that, I think - "

"Yeah." He pulls the sheets up from her bed, climbs into it.

Then she can join him and snuggle up.

"This is nice. I've missed this.

"Would it be good for both of us to do the - the saying no thing? I guess this sort of only works if you like the idea of not having to be pharaoh in this room, but - I'm just thinking about how every time I worry about asking for something, you tell me that if you can't do it you'll say no, so I should feel free to ask for anything, and - I wonder if you could want more things if I could say no. Maybe."

"I don't know. I think - it'd be wrong if you said no, so I have to - not ask things you might want to refuse, to avoid that, and this is annoying but it doesn't change that it'd be wrong if you said no?"

"I think it might be worse than annoying? For both of us. This is - maybe a good example of the sort of thing that makes it hard to have any sort of functional relationship with you while you are being the pharaoh. I don't know how we're supposed to be okay together if both of us are afraid to want anything from the other."

"Right. 

I guess if there were a way to say that in some context I am not the pharaoh then in that context it would not be immoral for you to refuse me things."

Nod.

"Yeah. I - do not know whether this is a thing that makes sense, or whether it is possible to do without denting your lawfulness, but it seems - very bad, for you and for me, and by extension for the baby and for Osirion, if I am not allowed to refuse you things, and this means that you do not feel capable of wanting anything from me. And - I do not think that I can be emotionally or physically intimate with someone who I am not allowed to have that interaction with. Not without hurting myself. I'm sorry.

"I would be moderately surprised if Abadar told you that it was unacceptably chaotic to ask your wife for things without demanding them, but - you have more experience with Abadar than I do. I guess."

"No, I think I can do that - when you say it like that -"

"I guess that was me trying to make it sound very reasonable and it may be that I actually need something somewhat harder than that, but - what do you think it is that you might not be able to do - "

"I don't think I can have it be - okay if you defy me. I can - I can say, I want you to do this if it'd make you happy, I can maybe say that as a standing state of affairs it should be implicit in everything I say that I want it if it'll make you happy - but I can't - believe that it doesn't matter, if I asked you to do something and you didn't do it."

"That seems like a rather expansive understanding of defiance."

"I don't know what you mean by that."

"It seems to me that if someone is - on the same team as you, and older than six, then - it is not useful to classify all failures to comply with your requests as acts of defiance. Some are failures of will. Some are because they know something you don't, or made a differing judgement call about the importance of that request when weighed against others. And I do understand that being the pharaoh is - different. But - if it is different in a way that means that I cannot refuse requests, not in any context, then - I don't think I can feel safe, in a relationship like that. Because it is not safe. It means that in every interaction you must be on guard for orders couched in language that would be a suggestion from any other friend."

"I mean, I don't mean that if I say that I like it when you braid your hair it's a secret order, I don't want you to be on edge guessing whether things are."

"I do not know how I could possibly avoid doing that. Maybe if you had some specific construction and I was supposed to assume that everything that didn't use it was purely a suggestion. Although I think I would then feel that it was - very distancing, every time you used it. There are probably lots of ways to theoretically communicate preferences without doing whatever specific thing is not allowed, but - I want to be able to talk to you like a person. Like a free adult who helps you willingly and not under threat of force.

"I guess on some level that's pretending, but - I think that is something that I need. On some level. To be treated like someone who gets to make her own choices."

"I guess it could work to say that it is not an order unless I say 'I order you to do this'? Which I don't expect I'd do, really, ever, because I don't need you to do things."

"I guess if you never used it then maybe that would be okay.

"I would still really like to - explicitly be allowed to have a place where I didn't have to worry about treating you as the pharaoh. I think it would be really good for - being able to have interactions. And for me. It would be really good for me."

"Yes. It makes sense and I'm going to ask Fazil how to set it up so it's not - wronging the office -"

Nodnodnod. Snuggle. "Thank you.

"It's good to see you."

"It's good to see you too." Snuggle. "Missed you a lot."

"M'glad. I think. I was worried you'd stop, at some point. Would have been very reasonable of you."

"I don't think it would have been. I made vows to you. They are still applicable if you are sick and I make it worse."