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Dec 04, 2020 6:31 PM
Abadar uses a helm of opposite alignment on Hagan and a bad time is had by all
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"I guess.

"I have mostly tried not to - think any of the actual promises that were made, lately. On your end of things. They were not - very specific. And maybe not the sort of thing that it was reasonable to expect to be able to hold someone to."

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"Should I make them more specific?"

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"I don't know. I don't think so. Maybe eventually. Right now I just want to - I don't know, I think - I'm not exactly sure how much of the foundation of this relationship is left. And - maybe we just need to work on rebuilding one, if that's what we want. Or something. I'm not precisely sure how to do it."

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"I want that. I think. I want to hold you and make you happy."

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Snuggle. "Yeah. 

"I keep wanting to apologize for all of this. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. Want to apologize for - I think that I have negative associations with a lot of things, now, and I might need - I think it might take a while to remember the positives. Might need to work on that, some. If I can figure out how a person goes about working on that.

"I do want to figure out how to make things good. For me and also for you. I know they've - they were good, more or less, once upon a time, right, so it stands to reason that it should be possible - "

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He nods fervently. "We can figure it out. Somehow. We have lots of magic."

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Sigh. "I - wish we'd hold off on the magic. For a bit. Until we've tried some other things. - I guess maybe I'm being a hypocrite and just want to hold off on your magic, I did have a new spell I wanted to maybe think about using. But a lot of it feels like - I don't know - trying to tie emotions into place without letting them hold themselves together sensibly, or making it harder to trust intuitions because I know they're not tied in the right places anyway - "

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"Huh. What spell did you want to try?"

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"I - don't really expect it to fix things. Exactly. Just - wanted to show you, I guess. It's a spell for sharing memories."

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"Huh. Sounds neat."

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"It's nice having it. Been able to show Khemet some things from outside the palace, with it. And - I guess it's just nice having been able to learn new spells again, it'd been a long time.

"I guess - I haven't put a ton of thought into this, but - a lot of the good things happened a long time ago, right, and maybe there's something worthwhile about trading what we remember of them. I'm not sure how useful it'll be, but - I dunno."

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"Yeah. Sure. I think I'd like that."

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"Okay. I have a couple today, still, if there's anything that immediately comes to mind. It can be one of mine or one of yours."

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"You could show me...something that makes you happy?"

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"Okay."

She thinks about this.

She shares a memory with him.

 

     It takes her a couple seconds to process the fact that he's untying her dress, but when she does she brings her hand up to hold his, gently. "Hey," she says, very softly.

     "Hey," he answers, not much louder. "Love you.”

     She smiles, still caught a little off guard by that. "Love you, too. - you wanted to do this properly, right? At least - sort of properly.”

     " - yeah. But I want you to be happy more, if I have to pick.”

     He's so sweet. "I would be a very poor choice of spouse if I had to make you pick. - I know I'm not being - I'm not good at explaining stuff like this, but - that's not what I need from you. Not now.”

     "Okay." He kisses her forehead. She feels so loved and valued and protected, when he does that, and doesn't know whether that's silly or not. "I really like you.”

     Smile. "Oh good.”

     "I think you're pretty and smart and brave and good and a good mother and I want to keep you forever.”

     She doesn't mean to cry, shouldn't cry, it's silly, but she doesn't think she's succeeding at not crying. She can't even summon any familiar cynicism about that. He wants to keep her forever. "Okay. I think - I'd like that very much.”

     He looks so sincerely happy, when she says that, like maybe he has all the same glowy feelings inside of him. She hopes he does. He pets her hair again. "Oh good."

     She snuggles him closer. She is maybe going to hide her face in his shoulder for a bit in case that works as a partial escape from admitting to wanting things. "M'sorry. About being - like this.”

     "I don't think I get what about that - feels like something you should be sorry for?”

     " - I mean there's nothing wrong with doing it, it's just - wanting things. Wanting things from other people, a lot, and not for, like, a good reason, or anything, just because - just to feel things. To feel loved and cared for and - safe.” Such a pathetic thing to want, really, but she wants it so much, more than she's ever wanted anything - anything she didn't already have, anyway, she wanted Verita to be safe, but that didn't burn like this does, didn't feel so incredibly ridiculous to hope for or so sweet to imagine that she might have -

     "Well. I think you should want things from me a lot without any good reason, then."

 

The memory runs out.

"They only go for about a minute," she says.

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He leans against her quietly. "'s so unfair."

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She's not sure exactly which thing he's talking about, but she nods. There is not exactly a shortage of unfairness. 

"I can do one more."

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Nod.

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"I guess I shouldn't do it if it'll just - make you sad. I could look at one of yours?"

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"I don't think it just made me sad. But - sure. You could look at one of mine. How do I do that?"

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"Tell me which one, and I can call up one that fits."

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He spends a bit thinking and doesn't immediately say anything.

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She gives him a bit.

 

"Could remember getting married," she says, quietly. "If you wanted."

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"Sure. That sounds good."

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Then she can snuggle him and call up a minute from their wedding, and see if they can remember together what he was thinking then.

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