"Oh. Uh. Okay."

At least being worried about Sasha is a break from self-hatred!

"Not, like, in a self-flagellating way, I don't really do self flagellating, just — everything gets kind of floaty and my head feels clearer and it's. Good." 

"Maybe you can find that in some way that's... safer?"

"One, how many ways are there to find that feeling that I have access to at camp. Two, everything still tastes like rubber and sawdust." 

"I don't know."

Well, the camp has mental health professionals. Probably Christine is handling it.

He talks to Dolph and does his best not to be too nervous about his one-on-one with Christine. 

In the afternoon, Christine says, "In this session and throughout the program, we will practice therapeutic holding. Touch starvation is a very common cause of homosexual behavior, particularly among men. People need nonsexual physical affection from people of the same sex, and when this need is unfulfilled, it can become sexualized. You will hold a person for fifteen minutes, then switch to a new partner. Over the course of this session, you will eventually end up holding everyone in the group."

He should probably want this less than he does.

On the other hand, maybe it's just a sign of how touch-starved he is.

Sasha is deeply skeptical that hugs from his fake sister are somehow inadequate but alright, this won't be torture.

He'd curl up in Asher's lap if Asher was here, but Asher isn't; he looks over at Lev. 

He shouldn't look at Lev — give him space, don't — but he doesn't stop himself in time.

He can't resist the urge to walk over to Marlo. "Do you want to--"

"Of course." 

He isn't sure how much contact is supposed to be involved in holding someone but — he has the chance to cradle Lev and bury his face in Lev's hair and he isn't going to not take it. 

"Very good," Christine says, "it's important not to decide that touching other men is gay."

Lev... is definitely having some gay feelings about what's going on right now.

But he's supposed to touch Marlo, it's supposed to feel good, it's supposed to feel like for the first time since Sunday things are actually okay--

Holding Lev, feeling Lev relax, feels — good. Right. Golden, pure. 

He moves them towards a chair, sits down and pulls Lev into his lap, keeps cradling him. 

He feels warm and glowy and happy and safe and for the first time in days it feels like things might maybe turn out all right.

This is probably a sign that it's helping.

"I love you," he doesn't say.

"I love you," he wants to say, and doesn't. 

"I've got you," he says instead. 

"You do! I am definitely not going to fall off this chair."

That's not what he meant. He holds Lev closer, puts pressure on the parts of Lev's back that have tension, and doesn't say so. 

Eventually, the fifteen minutes are up, and Christine says, "Switch."

Lev can't stop himself from glancing hopefully at Sasha.

He gets up from where he was curled up against Clayton's side and goes over to Lev and pulls him down to the floor, wraps his arms around Lev's shoulders. 

His entire body is pressed against Sasha's body. Sasha smells good and his skin is warm and soft.

It's not quite as good as it was with Marlo but it's still really nice.

Lev is soft and so good and he gets it, he knows Sasha's — everything — he doesn't feel okay but he feels maybe a little bit closer to okay. 

Lev's dick is totally aware of what happened last time his entire body was pressed up against Sasha's and it wants to be prepared in case it happens again.