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May 25, 2019 5:04 PM
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"That I made the wrong choice and I'll never be able to make the right one and I'm going to be living in a box that doesn't fit for the rest of my life and I'll never have freedom or privacy ever again." 

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"That... makes sense. I worry about that sort of thing a lot. But freedom and privacy aren't really the things I'm scared of not being able to have."

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"Yeah. That's not always my biggest worry either, it's just kind of salient right now. 

What are the things you're scared of not being able to have?" 

 

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Every muscle in his body seems to be tense. 

"...I'm scared I won't be able to have kids. Or do right by them if I do."

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...oh, honey. 

So that's how Christine got to him. 

"You're a great teacher, and you're one of the most patient people I know, it's hard to imagine you not."

He is aware that he's missing the point. 

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"I mean. Gay men don't really want to have kids, usually. And even if I did-- kids need a mother and a father, and they need stability, not-- parents who have orgies. And."

He can't finish the sentence. His face is tight.

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He's fairly sure he knows anyway. 

"...I wouldn't know how many people want to have kids, everyone I've ever dated was in high school." He would love to dispute the point about queer people not being in stable monogamous relationships, but, well. 

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"I'm in high school."

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"— right, but the straight people I know mostly don't want to have kids either, I don't think it's a queer thing I think it's just a high schooler thing." 

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"I guess." He looks like he really wants to pull his knees to his chest. "I don't want to rape my kids."

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"It's not like the people who do that trip." 

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"But if you're sexually broken in one way you're more likely to be sexually broken in other ways too."

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Christine, listening in, is pleased by the amount of emotional intimacy Lev and Sasha are sharing.

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"Yeah. I'm queer and kinky and slutty and one could make the argument that those are connected. And I'm still not going to rape anyone because why would I do that." 

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"I don't know! When I started being gay I started doing a lot of things I thought I wouldn't do!"

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"...how worried should I be." 

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"You shouldn't be because I'm going to become straight."

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"Lev, I'm not worried about the decisions you're going to make in the future, I'm worried about whether you're okay right now." 

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"I'm fine."

He is, visibly, not fine.

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"...okay. I'm going to try to not worry about you because you obviously don't want me to. 

Who are your closest friends, and how has that changed over the last year?" 

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"Well, I didn't have any friends, and then I was friends with Marlo, and now I think I once again don't have any friends."

He doesn't sound particularly upset about any of this, but maybe it's just hard to see against the background misery.

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"...he keeps giving you these little worried looks when he thinks neither of us are looking, I'm pretty sure he's still your friend. 

My best friend is still my sister." 

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"...Really?"

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"Really. I think he's trying to give you space, but — oh, now he's doing that tiny little adoring smile. He cares." 

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