It's — good to see Lev happy. 

(He can have that, can't he? He shouldn't get in the way of Lev recovering but he can watch Lev smile from across the room and that's fine, that's not —) 

Christine says, "Excuse me! I hope you've all enjoyed your conversations, and of course you can continue them over dinner and during free time. But before you go I'd like to take a few moments to discuss masturbation."

O....kay?

This should be an experience. 

"Some people have ethical objections to masturbation, sexual fantasy, or the use of pornography. If you do, some of this advice may not be appropriate for you. However, many people find the judicious use of masturbation, sexual fantasy, and pornography plays an important role in their recovery. Regular orgasms may be a protective factor against homosexual behavior, because you are less sexually frustrated. Has anyone heard of the concept of operant conditioning?"

Lev has!

Marlo has too, and very much hopes that this isn't going where it sounds like it's going. 

Clayton: "Miss Parker, is it when you reward yourself for doing something and then you want to do it more? Or punish yourself and want to do it less?"

"Exactly. Through deliberately fantasizing about women or even using pornography, you can associate women with sexual arousal. Many people find this a useful way to achieve heterosexual functioning. If you choose to use pornography, I recommend softcore pornography or videos of women masturbating. Heterosexual pornography can lead to attraction to penises, and it should be obvious why lesbian pornography is not appropriate."

.....well, that certainly was an experience. 

He nods seriously. 

"Of course, for obvious reasons you can't put this advice into practice at camp. But some of you may want to consider it as part of your recovery going forward."

Lev can sneak into the bathroom.

Sasha would sneak off to the bathroom, but without Asher it would just feel — kind of empty. 

He curls up and tries to sleep and... succeeds a little bit. 

Lev spits in his hand and starts to touch himself and tries to think about girls. Kissing a girl and feeling her breasts press up against him and touching her hair and--

(--Raine's dress riding up around her hips and her dick straining against her panties so that you could see the tip poking out through the top--)

--and a girl's dress riding up around her hips and her panties wet because of how much she wants him and, probably cunnilingus is going a bit far for the first time but he can think about being inside her, warm and wet and the sounds she would make--

(--the sounds Raine made when his mouth was on her dick, making out with Asher while her dick was in between their mouths and hearing the little whimpery noises she made--)

--the little whimpery noises the girl is making, because he's inside her, because she loves him and wants him and likes having sex with him--

(--Marlo inside him, feeling full and stretched out, that worshipful reverent face that Marlo makes when he's inside Lev, being desired and wanted and loved, being precious to Marlo, someone Marlo values--)

--nope, it's a strapon, it's someone with a strapon fucking him because he's thinking about girls, he's being fucked in the ass by a girl and she has a strapon and it is perfectly heterosexual and--

(--bent over a table in a dark club with his ass up in the air, come dripping out of his ass from all the guys who had fucked him before, ready to be taken by any guy who happens along and wants him, ready to be used, fucked by strangers whose names he doesn't know and whose faces he's never seen, fucked for hours straight and then left empty afterwards because the only thing he's good for is sex--)

he finishes.

What the fuck was that. 

That... was not a kink he had had before.

He goes to bed and tries not to think about how much he hates himself.

He doesn't reach out to Lev. It — wouldn't be right, wouldn't be helpful, Lev made his choice, Lev doesn't want him to be too close. 

But he can't actually stop himself from paying attention. 

He stops, looks at Marlo, takes a step towards him, and sits with Sasha at breakfast.

He's just — paying attention. So he'll know if Lev needs anything. 

He's doing right by Lev, it shouldn't hurt so much —

He puts maybe a quarter of a breakfast's worth of food on his plate and eats maybe three bites of it, all told. Drinks a lot of water. Does his best to make conversation with Lev. 

"...You're not really eating." 

"No," he agrees. "I'm not." 

"You should... probably... eat?"

Great. This is so not how you do an intervention for an eating disorder.

He takes a bite and chews and swallows mechanically. He puts his fork down. "I know I should, it's just that everything tastes like rubber and sawdust and I don't. Want to." 

"I wish I could get you Ensures. They're supposed to taste like sawdust and they're fast to drink."

"...I'm not sure that would help, things that are meant to taste like sawdust still do taste like sawdust. And I kind of like being hungry."