Contented adoring snuggles.

The healing tour proceeds. Taliar enjoys the travel; he likes seeing new people and new places and then coming home to Maitimo's arms every night.

He doesn't even think about the fact that touring the country carries a risk of encountering daffodils, until one evening he is out for a walk after healing everyone at the latest stop, and he turns a corner and smells beautiful flowers and his world goes dim and grey and Nahira's voice is right in his ear saying you'll beg for mercy before I'm done, proud little Kazaryne—

He's actually not paying attention to Taliar's mind at that moment; he is in a meeting that has gone late.

When he does notice he prods the meeting into wrapping up.

After the first moment of shock it only takes him a few seconds to recover his senses and make himself start walking calmly back the way he came. Outwardly there's hardly any sign something might be wrong. Inwardly... he is having some trouble chasing her voice out of his head.

He orders the daffodils ripped up. The nightmare ring might not even fix this one - perhaps this is the wrong approach, perhaps they ought to try overexposure to daffodils...

Taliar makes his way back to where he'll be spending the night with Maitimo. He maintains the outward appearance of absolutely nothing being wrong. He's very good at it.

Inside his head, though, once a minute has gone by and he's settled enough to think about it at all, all he thinks about is how he's going to get through it if Maitimo wants him tonight. He doesn't think he can make himself want it scary right now, he's not sure even being sent Maitimo's thoughts about him the whole time will help enough, but if he has to go down to pure willpower he'll be a mess afterward and it might throw him off noticeably on the healing tour - he needs a way around that, it would be unfair to let practicalities get in Maitimo's way -

He stops outside the door and listens because Taliar setting himself in condition to be good is his favorite thing.

He hasn't heard from Matimo yet - the meeting probably ran late, either that or Maitimo is sitting somewhere listening to him in fascination (he smiles at the thought, and feels a surge of warm affection), or both. He'll find out sooner or later, and until then it doesn't matter much to his decisionmaking process.

So. The thought of sex makes him feel sick and awful inside. The associations with what happened the last time he felt this way aren't helping. He works on that a little, pushes himself down the mental path from the moment his safety was shattered to the moment two days later when all he wanted was for Maitimo to violently claim him and Maitimo was happy to fulfill this desire; but he can't quite get himself all the way to that second state of mind from his current starting point, not fast enough. Different angle, different angle...

...the dream he had, maybe, where Maitimo rescued him from Nahira - he imagines being rescued again, imagines Maitimo sweeping him up and taking him away from the dimly lit castle and - his mind flinches from completing the thought but he steers it back to the memory of his dream-self's conflicted understanding of events, that seems like a useful tool right now, he's sick and terrified but he can be sick and terrified and grateful and in love - yes, that works much better. The combination of the rescue-from-Nahira framing and the split perspective seems workable. He'll have a hard time with it still, but he won't have to force himself to comply through willpower alone.

He comes in. He smiles at him. I had them tear up the flowers. Though maybe we should really be trying to lessen the effect through repeated exposure.

We could do that but it would be a pretty serious undertaking, probably the sort of thing that should be planned out in advance, it might take a while and we'd have to handle it carefully to avoid turning me into an utter wreck for some unknown amount of time along the way - which, well, if you want me an utter wreck, who am I to deny you, but unfortunately at that point I think there's no getting around the strategic drawbacks.

Carefully not even considered is 'or you could stop hurting me'.

Yes, it should probably wait until after the war when you can afford to be a wreck.

Yeah.

He doesn't want to be made an utter wreck, but he is serenely confident that he's strong enough to get through it and come out the other side still loving and trusting Maitimo; although, depending how carefully they do or don't handle it, repeated exposure to daffodils may be the thing that finally ends up taking Taliar longer than a week to mostly recover from. And they could potentially handle it carefully enough, if they work together on it in that way they're so good at, and it would be useful to stop having this reaction to daffodils, it's no fun at all even without taking into account the effect it has on their sex life. So, a good idea to wait until after the war, but still probably something worth doing.

And if Maitimo would like to take the opportunity to give Taliar a bad week while they're at it, well, it'll be after the war and they'll have the time to spare, and Taliar is perfectly aware that he can be challenged into agreeing to near-arbitrary tests of his resolve, and perfectly at ease with that fact.

And the strength of the reaction you have could easily be used against you. You definitely want to get past it at some point. Hug.

Hug.

I think I do pretty well at hiding my reaction, but you're right that it's still a vulnerability. So, yeah, I would very much appreciate your help with that, after the war. Although on the whole I think I'd prefer if it didn't involve deliberately wrecking me.

That would be - very wrong of me. 

That's... sort of surprising to hear. A pleasant surprise, but a puzzling one. Taliar leans comfortably on Maitimo and - isn't sure what to ask or how to ask it.

You have - very deliberately arranged yourself so I can get everything I want while occasionally torturing you for no reason. I - do not want to be the sort of person who rewards that kind of gift to me by torturing you for no reason. 

Oh.

Yes, it makes a lot of sense when he puts it that way.

Okay, says Taliar, smiling and hugging him. I love you. I'm - glad you feel that way.

Most of the things Maitimo ever tells Taliar about himself make Taliar love him more, but this one strikes particularly deep. Falling a little bit more in love is always a nice feeling, and even better when it's this strong.

Hugs.

Hugs. Love and trust and the warm comfortable feeling of safety.

And dinner.

Taliar eats dinner very comfortably in Maitimo's lap and doesn't worry about what might happen afterward until there is no more dinner left to eat.

And then, What are your intentions for me this evening, my love?

Check what your answer would be -

Taliar's first reaction to this request is a flash of utterly wrenching terror.

His second reaction is to take a deep breath, remind himself that he's strong enough, settle into the certainty of it, and then open up the possibility of refusal and ask himself what he wants.

He could get through it, if Maitimo had him tonight... but he would rather not have to. It'll be less awful than the previous daffodil incident but that still leaves room for it to be plenty awful.

He puts away the option and takes another deep breath and makes the effort to hold onto the feeling of comfort and safety he can currently find in Maitimo's arms.

I just observed to you that being the sort of person who, when given a gift like you, tortures it just because I can -

Taliar hugs him. I'm sorry, I didn't know it would hit me that hard. I - I believe you about the kind of person you want to be. I love you.