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Taliar in Evil Arda
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It's hard to think his way through it without getting sucked into a fear spiral, but he's very determined.

I think... if you send me what it feels like, wanting me, what it's like and how you're thinking about it, especially if it's the whole time but even if it's just once or twice, that will help a lot. You know how I get about the way you think. And...

Thinking through the next one is even harder, but he manages it.

...If I have a meltdown anyway and get caught up in thinking about Nahira and can't make myself stop, will you please touch my soul? It's - I want to be thinking about you, not her, I don't ever ever want to feel Nahira when you touch me. I'd prefer even utterly miserable terrified soul-touching to that. And I'm sure it will be utterly miserable and terrified. It's - it's still better.

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Okay. And he sends him delight and admiration and fascination at his head, terrified but still here and still thinking and still in love - still mine - I love you so much, Taliar -

 

-he doesn't press for another kiss, just holds him -

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Taliar leans on Maitimo and listens with deep focus. He loves Maitimo so much, and he is going to love him forever, Maitimo's mind is so fascinating and beautiful and so enchantingly delighted and fascinated by him, it's wonderful, he's wonderful...

The fear isn't gone but he is, as predicted, having a much better time with it. For the first time this evening it feels conceivable that he might not break down completely if faced with the unavoidable prospect of sex. It'll still be terrifying, but not nearly as bad as it would've been a minute ago.

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Snuggle, send - if Taliar were speaking aloud instead of thinking he'd find him unbelievable, who would be this straightforwardly perfect - he's so appreciative that Taliar hasn't said 'no', just 'you'll hurt me', it helps him feel like they're working together instead of against each other, Taliar's so adorably determined, and so attentive and so his -

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Yes yes exactly, they are working together instead of against each other, that is so very precisely the point of so many things about how Taliar thinks and acts and governs his mind, he wants them to be on the same side and he will go to great lengths to accomplish that because he is Dawn-shining Taliar and he refuses to give up on the things that are important to him.

He wraps himself up in love and admiration and joy at the way Maitimo thinks about him, feels it all as deeply as possible, and he is still afraid, he is not going to stop being afraid, but he turns in Maitimo's arms and kisses him anyway, because Maitimo is wonderful, because Taliar loves him and will love him forever, and because fuck all those people who think they can't have a healthy relationship because they're both men. His heart races with fear but his soul shines with victory.

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It's such a satisfying kiss. It's honestly more satisfying because Taliar is scared, because Taliar is choosing him over being scared, because all of this is this - and he picks him up and carries him inside and sends love and delight and fascination -

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Taliar feels so appreciated. It's hard work, making this choice and sticking by it, and he loves that Maitimo recognizes that, loves that Maitimo finds it satisfying, he so deeply loves the way Maitimo thinks about him...

Love you. Love you forever.

It doesn't get much easier. He ends up crying, starts and then can't stop, but he chooses Maitimo anyway, again and again, every time the constant gnawing fear tempts him to give up. His eyes blur and his hands shake and he stubbornly focuses on love, on the way he feels about Maitimo's thoughts, so complex and beautiful and satisfying and affirming and lovely.

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And afterwards Maitimo will cuddle him and hold him and wait for him to stop crying.

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The crying tapers off gradually. He feels exhausted and fragile and intensely triumphant.

Love you, he says, deliberately focusing on the comfort he finds in Maitimo's arms. Love you forever.

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Love you too, he says, love you so much, appreciate you so much - I'm not afraid you'll hurt me when you can kill gods, you work so hard at it, I don't have to be afraid of anything....

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Taliar grins and snuggles closer. He's so glad Maitimo isn't afraid of him. Maitimo not being afraid of him is so, so important. He wants Maitimo to be happy and safe and secure and fulfilled forever.

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I believe you, he whispers, and holds him, and sings something that is not magical.

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He closes his eyes and wipes the tears away and cuddles Maitimo and listens to his beautiful, beautiful voice.

I'm so glad I stayed, he says. It was worth it. It was so worth it.

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I'm so glad you stayed, too. I love you. I'm happy we're - trying.

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We are doing an unbelievably amazing job at this 'healthy relationship' thing, given what we've got to work with.

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I think I was a little worried on some level that all your commitments would collapse the first time something happened that you didn't like.

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I knew they wouldn't. It could've gone a whole lot worse than that and I would still love you and I would still - want to be on your side. Might've taken me a while to get my head straightened out afterward, though. This way... if I don't have another nightmare tonight I think I'll be just fine tomorrow. Maybe a little nervous but no worse than the other day - did you remind me of my spite-related resolve on purpose that time, by the way? If so, nicely done.

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This time was on purpose, yes. The other day?

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When I'd had that first nightmare - He sends the memory, Maitimo scooping him up and carrying him to bed and apologizing for the difficulties caused by the obviousness of their relationship, and Taliar remembering the conversation they had about those difficulties and tracing the memory to its spite-related conclusions and ending up much happier. It occurred to me that you might've been leading me in that direction on purpose, it's a pretty good way to settle me down when I'm a little nervous but not as wound up as I was today.

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I do try to make you happy when you're upset, yes. I like having you happy and as a general principle keep my things in good condition...I'm occasionally tempted to reassure myself you'll stay even if I hurt you by hurting you, watching how you think through it and how you hold yourself and how you process and react - but I want you to feel safe. I like it when you feel safe.

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I feel very safe with you right now, says Taliar, snuggling him.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, a fleeting half-a-thought looks at the words 'I'm occasionally tempted to reassure myself you'll stay even if I hurt you by hurting you' and is tempted to have a try-me moment, but for once in his life he doesn't pick it up and run with it.

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Not the time, if there ever is one. Snuggles. Quiet nonmagical singing.

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And Taliar falls asleep, and dreams ordinary non-traumatic dreams, and wakes up in the morning feeling confident and triumphant and vindicated and very much in love.

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Oh good! And they both have lots of work to do and can get to doing it. 

 

(Irissë comes to visit her brother. He desperately wants to hear what they're talking about but it might delay winning the war if he makes Findekáno tell him.)

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