This post has the following content warnings:
Taliar in Evil Arda
+ Show First Post
Total: 3471
Posts Per Page:
Permalink

That actually manages to get a small giggle out of him. He relaxes a little, enough that he's no longer actively hurting himself.

The place got worse every year. And— he can't quite get the next part into words, but it goes something like: Esarkan isn't the type to value someone's well-being more than they themselves do. He expected Taliar to be willing to accept the costs of fixing the problem, and he was, and he's still functional and he still trusts and respects Esarkan, so Esarkan wouldn't trade another three years of mismanagement in Atialemain for a slightly happier Taliar, that's just not how he works.

Permalink

Sigh. I'll get something for the dreams.

Permalink

Love you forever.

He still feels jittery and tense and wrong, not yet ready to uncurl and face the day, but he loves Maitimo very much and Maitimo's presence is soothing.

Meantime you can wake me up from them if you want, if you catch them in time. It'll probably help.

Permalink

Okay. I'll definitely do that.

Permalink

He snuggles up, and bit by bit he relaxes.

After a few minutes, when he's at the point where the miserable tension feels small enough to successfully conceal from anyone who isn't reading his mind, he gives Maitimo a kiss, from love and for comfort and to prove to himself that he can.

Permalink

Kiss. Squeeze. I can't take the day off but I can spend it here with you, work remotely...

Permalink

My usual remedy back when this was a regular thing was to wait it out until I was calm enough to fake being okay, go about my day like nothing was wrong, and then usually by the next day or the day after I'd actually be fine unless I got another one in the meantime. Staying in bed all day being miserable never helped much. Staying in bed all day cuddling you while you work sounds much more appealing than either of those options, obviously, but I don't actually know how it'll fare in comparison. Guess I can try it this time, and hopefully there won't be a next time but if there is then I'll know... what do you think?

Permalink

Sounds good. I can try to think of something you can do remotely, if being productive'll help...

Permalink

Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Love you forever. Snuggle.

Permalink

And he dictates some letters and has some people report to him remotely and reschedules some audiences and sends all this to Taliar so he can point out anything he notices and it's a lovely quiet day.

Permalink

Taliar does a lot of snuggling, and works on some math in his head in between consulting with Maitimo on things. The snuggles are cozy and soothing, and the work is interesting and engaging, and overall he's pretty sure this is a bigger help than ignoring it and carrying on like normal would've been, and also he loves Maitimo so very much.

But the lingering effect of the dream, the tension and unease and the feeling of essential wrongness - it never goes away completely.

Permalink

Which is annoying, because after a day of snuggling his boyfriend he wants his boyfriend and he's vaguely worried Taliar's going to be difficult about this. 

 

They get dinner.

Permalink

Taliar is not aware of this side effect of snuggles. He might be worried if he was. As it is, he's grateful and content and in love.

Partway through dinner it does occur to him to wonder if Maitimo will want to have him afterward, and the day's tension kicks up a notch and he instantly evicts the whole train of thought from his mind before it can lead to a miserable fear spiral that will serve no one's ends but Nahira's. He can think about tricky mathematical problems instead, they're good at absorbing his attention.

Permalink

That is kind of annoying. He could reassure Taliar that he'd never do that, he isn't like that, but it's a lie he doesn't even particularly want to make true. 

 

After dinner he asks if Taliar wants to go out on the balcony again and stargaze.

Permalink

"Sure."

His distraction was successful; his thoughts of Maitimo are full of love and trust.

Permalink

Balcony! Hugs. Snuggles. He kisses Taliar's hair.

Permalink

It's nice. Cozy. He loves Maitimo so much. The stars are beautiful and the city is beautiful and Maitimo, of course, is the most beautiful.

But some of the thoughts that frequently accompany Taliar's musings on Maitimo's beauty are missing.

Permalink

He turns Taliar's head for a kiss. 

Permalink

Taliar kisses him. Enjoys it, even. In the back of his mind, though, there's a struggle to keep the undercurrent of fear from breaking free and overrunning him completely. At the moment he's winning.

Permalink

Squeeze. Is try-really-hard-not-to-be-terrified really the best way to cope here? I trust you, your mind is very strange and you're brilliant with it, but it seems like a stressful way of handling it.

Permalink

Stressful by comparison to what? he asks, leaning his head on Maitimo's shoulder. At least the snuggles are still comforting.

Permalink

I hear 'talk about relationship issues' comes highly recommended! And you were the one who wanted to be all healthy-relationship out of sheer spite.

Permalink

Taliar takes a deep breath.

He tells himself that even if the thing he's afraid of happens, it is not going to happen while they are still having a conversation about it, there will be a clearly signalled change of state and he can get upset about it then and not a moment before. This gets him settled down enough to have this conversation at all.

I've been mostly just - trying to avoid 'have a meltdown in advance of even knowing if there is anything to have a meltdown about' as an outcome, it seems so counterproductive, but the strategy for avoiding that is to just flat-out refuse to think about it and that's not so good for evaluating alternate strategies in response to circumstances. Talking it over sounds like a good plan. He half-smiles. So. What are your intentions for me this evening?

Permalink

I want you. I don't want you terrified out of your mind; I like your mind, and it seems positively counterproductive to fuel any more nightmares. Do you think you're going to be able to calm down, or not?

Permalink

I don't think I'm going to get to the point of being okay with it. I think there's probably things you can do to make it easier on me if you decide to have me anyway.

Total: 3471
Posts Per Page: