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Taliar in Evil Arda
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I absolutely am, and I love it and so do you.

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I'm so happy, my love, I'm so glad we're like this, I'm so glad I keep finding all these fascinating new things to enjoy. I love you so much and I'm so happy with everything about us.

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I love you, I'm so glad it all worked out...

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Me too, my love. Me too. We're going to have forever and it's going to be so amazing.

And then he remembers the end of his two months of soul-touching and his breath catches, his heart jumps, and a moment later his mind shakes itself free of the memory of soul-wrenching agony and he lets out his breath on a laugh. You're glorious, I think I already said that but I feel the need to repeat myself. That was so fucking awful and I love you so much.

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You were exquisite. It was beautiful.

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Aww now he feels all nice and appreciated and full of warm cozy affection.

Do you want to go get your notes and show me what I missed?

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Sure.

 

 

He goes and gets them and pulls Taliar into his lap to read them.

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Taliar leans cozily on his glorious boyfriend, tries to read along, discovers his visual processing isn't quite there yet, and closes his eyes instead. Wow, I am such a mess right now, I love it.

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Aww. I'll read it to you.

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You're so good to me, my love. You took notes!

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Of course I did. I have applied myself to the project of torturing you with as much diligence as I apply to anything.

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And I appreciate that so much! You're really good at it and I admire you immensely for it! And it makes me so incredibly happy that I get to hear all about what the last two months of my life were like from your side, it's - it fills in a missing piece, and I so deeply appreciate hearing what you think of me...

He trails off into a wordless surge of affection and attempts to shut up so Maitimo can read to him.

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It probably does not make much sense to speak of Taliar exerting conscious effort under this kind of influence, but there is a little bump in his attention to me and my presence every time I add a new person, as if he reacts to the pain by trying to amplify my presence in his mind. It happens whether or not there is swirling anxiety about whether I will let go and leave him with the pain, and it happens even when it is climbing fast and he is more apprehensive than usual. He knows that I'm doing it, I don't think he's just clinging to the only pleasant sensation available. Absent a way to give him any other pleasant sensations I can't check, of course.

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(Taliar loves him so much. Him and his notes. And the analysis is utterly fascinating - thinking back to it, he's pretty sure that it was partly clinging to the only pleasant sensation available, partly a reaction to the knowledge of who was torturing him, and partly just - of course he'd reach for Maitimo, why wouldn't he, he loves him.)

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Got up to ninety-five today. He did not notice it as a new record, so he is not counting and he cannot directly compare the pain he is in to the pain he remembers being in - perhaps it also varies time to time, my memory is not perfect either and I am not being tortured in between. As usual I take it off while I'm fucking him - he gets all snuggly and happy, even though he has no idea what's going on, it's adorable - and it crossed his mind that I might be doing that. I am very deeply touched that there's enough left of his mind to guess. 

 

I held him and cried for a while.

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Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Aww. Awwwww.

Oh, my love, says Taliar, managing to hug him more or less successfully. You're so - I'm - I love you so much.

He remembers how utterly charmed he was by the thought, and how utterly charmed he was all over again to find out he guessed right. And, and, awwwwwww.

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And Taliar more or less successfully kisses back!

Love you, love you, love you. Love the way you torture me and love how much you appreciate me and - I don't even know what it is about you crying on me but evidently there's something - love you forever.

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I believe you.

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I love everything about you, you're glorious, you're wonderful, I'm so unspeakably thrilled that you wrote all these notes and that you're showing them to me and - the way you think about me, the way you pay attention, you analyze everything and you're so good at it and you - I just -

Inarticulate joy and wonder and admiration and adoration.

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I am so glad you know how much you delight me. 

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Snuggle. And I'm so glad I delight you this much!

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You are more recovered than I was expecting! I'm proud of you!

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I'm a miracle, he says smugly. In retrospect I'm also really impressed with myself for having enough presence of mind to make that guess - it's kind of incredible that my mind still works even when I can only shift mental states one abrupt change at a time on someone else's schedule!

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