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Taliar in Evil Arda
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It seems increasingly plausible that Taliar is not someone you can break with pain.

He is not always happy about this fact.

But sometimes - sometimes he is. Sometimes, even through the worst of it, he feels glorious. He is Dawn-shining Taliar, he is Maitimo's miracle, he is emotionally indestructible, he can take this, he can take anything, it hurts so fucking much and it feels like it's never going to stop and he is fine with that, he surrenders himself to it with renewed resolve, because he can, because he loves and trusts his beautiful brilliant terrifying boyfriend and he wants to give him this.

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And because the pauses are beautiful, the moments with nothing but Maitimo touching his soul - Maitimo does this most often when in bed with him, not that Taliar would notice -

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He does actually think of the possibility once, in one of the shifts between states when he is capable of having new thoughts - sometimes Maitimo stops torturing him and it's wonderful and he loves it and presumably some of those times it's because he has to sleep but wouldn't it be cute if he did it when - and by the nature of soul-touching his delight at the idea stays vast and vivid in his mind until Maitimo chooses to chase it away.

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Sometimes he's tempted to let go of Taliar's soul just so he can tell him how madly he loves him but there's no need, Taliar already knows -

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Taliar does already know. Taliar doesn't doubt it for a second. Even when the incomprehensible agony is too much and he's barely holding onto the feeling of surrender, he knows that Maitimo loves him, and he appreciates it intensely and loves him right back.

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As promised, he does not let Taliar properly wake for two full months. At the end he takes a few days off from all of his appointments and sits at his desk with pen and paper, trying to push the number of imagined people as high as it can possibly go.

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It hurts, it hurts - it feels like he can't take it but it's felt like that so many times before and he always could but it's worse this time but - he's not going to break, he knows he's not going to break, he almost wishes he'd break so it would stop - and he still loves Maitimo so much -

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Maitimo knows. Maitimo lets go of Taliar's soul and pushes - higher, higher -

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He can't experience anything but pain, can't remember anything but pain, can't imagine anything but pain, he is pain, he is horror and agony and unending violation, he is this feeling of being surrounded by unwelcome intimacy and at the same time totally, devastatingly alone.

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He watches the sunset and concentrates on adding people.

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It gets worse and worse and worse and - he can't even tell, he can't compare his own experiences moment to moment, because there isn't enough of his head left to do it in, there is just pain and pain and more pain.

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And then he stops.

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He goes inside and pulls Taliar into his arms and waits a very long time.

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It's half an hour before he even starts crying.

Ten minutes after that when he starts experiencing the fact that he is crying, in scattered sensory fragments.

A few more minutes, and he recognizes the experience for what it is. Other recognitions follow - his body feels warm and cozy and comfortable in a very familiar way - oh, Maitimo is holding him - he loves Maitimo so much - and at that point he starts crying harder and loses hold of his thoughts again for a bit.

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He cries for a while longer; it tapers off and he starts pulling his thoughts back together. His memories of the soul contact are clear and sharp, uncomfortably so in fact, going all the way back to that very first moment when he felt so good and peaceful and gave himself willingly to this—and there he goes with the crying again. It was so awful. He doesn't know how long it lasted - he can't remember much before it, everything is just a hazy blur - but he's pretty sure it was much, much longer than his soul has ever been touched before.

And he's still here. Still thinking, even, sort of. He's going to be okay. He got through it. He even got through that last part, the total loss of identity. That was fucking harrowing and he is still here.

He sobs helplessly into Maitimo's chest, but he feels a surge of triumph.

Memories from beforehand sort themselves out slowly. Two months, that's the number. His father told him to have fun. Well, he did, sort of -

- and he remembers a moment from early on and - was I right, did you take it down to just you when you fucked me -

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Yes, I did. I love you so much.

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And now he is giggle-crying. I love you too, love you forever, you're so cute, Maitimo. I want - I want you to show me - I want to know what it was like, having me like that -

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I took very very detailed notes so I could remember to show you all of it -

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That is the best thing.

I love you so fucking much, you're so good to me, love you love you love you, if I could move I would put my soul back in your hand right now, that's how much I need you to know how amazing you are -

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I know. I know. I finally believe it and I feel so whole and I know, I do, I love you -

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Taliar is still a ways out on having the physical coordination to actually fling his arms around Maitimo and kiss him enthusiastically, but nothing prevents him from vividly imagining doing so.

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He can supply the coordination required for kissing!

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That is so nice of him! Taliar loves him so much!

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