"... I understand."

It would be so grounding to hurt herself right now. She feels adrift. 

But she said to Kumi that she wouldn't, so she won't.

"May I pet your hair some more?"

"... You may."

Rose tangles her hand in Ember's hair, and strokes. Gentle, gentle.

She is not supposed to care about the fact that the goat leg is getting cold. 

She waits a few minutes, but her will breaks in the end.

"... Can we go back to the meal now?"

"We can. We absolutely can."

Rose gets up from the bed, and leads Ember back into the kitchen, where she sits at the table again.

Ember comes and joins her. She's regained some of her previous composure.

She sits and tries some more of the cold goat leg. 

... It's less overwhelming when it's cold. There's still far more depth of flavour than she's used to, but it is no longer the best thing she's ever tasted. 

She eats a piece slowly, taking time over her chewing. 

It's still so strange to her that it doesn't hurt. 

Rose cuts a slice of her own piece of goat and smiles. "Try the bread and cheese."

Ah, yes, bread. Bread she is used to. It's a little more fripper- a little better than gruel, and only somewhat painful to chew. 

She rips off a piece and bites.

... There's spices in the bread too.

She was not expecting to taste anything other than the warm rich flavour of well-baked bread, and this... is more than that. It's a little like the goat leg.

She could have been eating this all her life.

She chews slowly. Swallows. 

"... People outside Nidal..." 

The thought takes a moment to come together. 

"... Think bread without spices is bland. But it is not. It is - rich, full, pure. But this bread, it is..." 

She touches her chin. 

"It is better. But I wonder what it is like to think that bread is always like this."

"We eat unspiced bread too. But I think you're right. The richness and variety of good things outside Nidal means that we appreciate simple things like unspiced bread less."

She tries the cheese. In Nidal this would be a high luxury, but here it's everyday. She feels - beyond spoilt. 

It's creamy and a little sharp. The flavour is solid. It drowns the last of the lingering herbs in the bread. 

It still doesn't hurt.

"I think that... outside Nidal, people are not grateful for... not being in pain. The Kuthites would say they are weak because of this. I think..."

She looks down at the plate of food. 

"... It is more complex."

"Most people take the absence of pain as the default state of their lives."

"I think..."

She takes another bite of her piece of goat, chews, thinks. 

"I think that I am... better at pleasure than foreigners are. In a way."

Rose snorts. "Says the woman who has to be actively convinced to let anyone touch her and who thinks roast goat leg is a delicacy."

Ember gives Rose a flat look. "I am still learning. But most foreigners do not stop, think "it is good that I am not crippled", "it is good that I am not in pain." They assume it is the only way they will be. I..." 

She pauses.

"Have experienced so much awful shit that it makes normalcy seem good by comparison, yes."

The corner of Ember's mouth twitches up. 

"Just so."

"I think that's still Kuthite propaganda, a little. Suffering makes you better than people who haven't suffered. But I think it's a step in the right direction from where you were."

Ember nods, and goes back to her meal. 

It's a little easier, now. 

Eventually she finishes everything.

"Would you like to go see Kumi now?"