Book about the Doom, from a flat Arda. Book about the Valar victoriously reimprisoning a Space Melkor several centuries later. Book about the infamous war criminal Maedhros sacking various things. Book about flat Arda political geography over the course of the war.

"Several centuries later."

...Cam looks over his shoulder.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me."

"Five hundred and ninety years after the destruction of Valinor's binary star system."

"They just - do they do anything before that. At all. Blow up a moonful of servers or - anything the fuck at all."

Flip flip flip - "a bunch of Elves try to leap back, ask for help, the ships get lost mid-leap. 

- eventually someone designs a different type of leap navigation, he's the one who gets through, the Valar debate executing him for coming to Valinor without permission but settle on forbidding him from ever entering any inhabited star system again -

- oh, Ulmo does Melian's forcefield thingy to an entire continent, good job Ulmo, raises the question of why the fuck the other ones weren't doing that -"

"Good job Ulmo. Aulë do anything - him being the one they're likely to want to bring in first -"

Flip flip - "uh, at some point there's a nuclear winter and he cleans it up - what does that even mean -"

"It means enough things exploded that the sky was so full of ash that the sun couldn't reach the surface and it got really really cold."

"So, nice work, Aulë. What the fuck does Valar internal decisionmaking look like..."

"D'you want to read the lengthy debate over whether my grandfather should get to remarry, that's probably the purest example of it which I've found so far..."

"...sure."

It's lengthy! It's also kind of annoying to read:

It is recorded by the Eldar that the Valar debated long the case of Finwe and Miriel, after the Statute was made, but not yet declared. For they perceived that this was a grave matter, and a portent, in that Miriel had died even in Aman, and had brought sorrow to the Blessed Realm, things which they before had believed could not come to pass. Also, though the Statute seemed just, some feared that it would not heal the death of grief, but perpetuate it. And Manwë spoke to the Valar, saying: 'In this matter ye must not forget that you deal with Arda Marred - out of which ye brought the Eldar. Neither must ye forget that in Arda Marred Justice is not Healing. Healing cometh only by suffering and patience, and maketh no demand, not even for Justice. Justice worketh only within the bonds of things as they are, accepting the marring of Arda, and therefore though Justice is itself good and desireth no further evil, it can but perpetuate the evil that was, and doth not prevent it from the bearing of fruit in sorrow. Thus the Statute was just, but it accepted Death and the severance of Finwe and Miriel, a thing unnatural in Arda Unmarred, and therefore with reference to Arda Unmarred it was unnatural and fraught with Death. The liberty that it gave was a lower road that, if it led not still downwards, could not again ascend. But Healing must retain ever the thought of Arda Unmarred, and if it cannot ascend, must abide in patience. This is Hope which, I deem, is before all else the virtue most fair in the Children of Eru, but cannot be commanded to come when needed: patience must often long await it.

Then Aulë, friend of the Noldor and lover of Fëanáro, spake. 'But did this matter indeed arise out of Arda Marred?' he asked. 'For it seemeth to me that it arose from the bearing of Fëanáro. Now Finwe and all the Noldor that followed him were never in heart or thought swayed by Melkor, the Marrer; how then did this strange thing come to pass, even in Aman the Unshadowed? That the bearing of a child should lay such a weariness upon the mother that she desired life no longer. This child is the greatest in gifts that hath arisen or shall arise among the Eldar. But the Eldar are the first Children of Eru, and belong to him directly. Therefore the greatness of the child must proceed from his will directly, and be intended for the good of the Eldar and of all Arda. What then of the cost of the birth? Must it not be thought that the greatness and the cost come not from Arda, Marred or Unmarred, but from beyond Arda? For this we know to be true, and as the ages pass it shall often be manifest (in small matters and in great) that all the Tale  of Arda was not in the Great Theme, and that things shall come to pass in that Tale which cannot be foreseen, for they are new and are not begotten by the past that preceded them.' Thus Aulë spake being unwilling to believe that any taint of the Shadow lay upon Feanor, or upon any of the Noldor. He had been the most eager to summon them to Valinor.

But Ulmo answered: 'Nonetheless Miriel died. And death is for the Eldar an evil, that is a thing unnatural in Arda Unmarred, which must proceed there- fore from the marring. For if the death of Miriel was otherwise, and came from beyond Arda (as a new thing having no cause in the past) it would not bring grief or doubt. For Eru is Lord of All, and moveth all the devices of his creatures, even the malice of the Marrer, in his final purposes, but he doth not of his prime motion impose grief upon them. But the death of Miriel has brought sorrow to Aman. / The coming of Feanaro must proceed certainly from the will of Eru; but I hold that the marring of his birth comes of the Shadow, and is a portent of evils to come. For the greatest are the most potent also for evil. Have a care, my brethren, thinking not that the Shadow is gone for ever, though it is beaten down. Doth it not dwell even now in Aman, though you deem the bonds to be unbreakable?'

 Thus Ulmo spake, who had dissented from the counsels of the Valar, when they brought Melkor the Marrer to Mandos after his defeat.

 "There're like eight pages of that, what're you looking for in particular -"

"...I was hoping the Milliways translation effect would patch any weirdness in the language but apparently I speak Quenya too well to enjoy such a courtesy. Uhhhh... so Aulë is a nice guy and Ulmo is... thoughtful? Conservative?"

"Oh, it came through fine to me, want me to read out how it's translating - or is 1800s English not that much better - anyway, all the rest of them say their piece and it's all like that, they dwell a lot on whether bad things are intended by Eru or not..." flip flip flip...

 

Said Manwë: "The Valar have not and must not presume certainty with regard to the wills of the Children. Nor, even were they certain in this one case concerning the fea of Miriel, would that unmake the union of love that once was between her and her spouse, or render void the judgement that constancy to it would in Finwe be a better and fairer course, more in accord with Arda Unmarred, or with the will of Eru in permitting this thing to befall him. The Statute openeth the liberty of a lower road, and accepting death, countenanceth death, and cannot heal it. If that liberty is used, the evil of the death of Miriel will continue to have power, and will bear fruit in sorrow.

'But this matter I now commit to Namo the Judge. Let him speak last! '

Then Namo Mandos spoke, saying: 'All that I have heard I have considered again; though naught pertinent to judgement hath been brought forward that was not already considered in the making of the Statute. Let the Statute stand, for it is just.

'It is our part to rule Arda, and to counsel the Children, or to command them in things committed to our authority. Therefore it is our task to deal with Arda Marred, and to declare what is just within it. We may indeed in counsel point to the higher road, but we cannot compel any free creature to walk upon it. That leadeth to tyranny, which disfigureth good and maketh it seem hateful.

 

"So - if they stuck to that they might be tolerable?"

"If they did. ...For reference yes 1800s English is hard to understand but I always liked old literature so it's doable and British accents are hot."

Awww he is definitely pleased about that.

"Uh. The whatever-they-did-such-that-there-were-no-survivors-on-ships-trying-to-find-them, and the getting mad at the guy who did, is less promising but I can't find anything more than really brief accounts, there - 

- and then there're the Elf war criminals, they probably killed upwards of a million people and the Valar asked them to surrender - unclear what they planned to do - but then let them go when they didn't surrender -"

"Way to exhibit consistent judgments so nobody gets paranoid and confused, Valar!"

"Yup. - war criminals committed suicide as soon as they were permitted to 'escape' so it might have been a weird sort of courtesy execution?"

"...I guess?"

"We have that. Let someone die on their own terms instead of going to Azkaban. I don't know anything about how the Valar think."

"They are weird."

"If they find 'if you let me go I will fly this ship into the sun' satisfactory you can totally do that."

"I can, although it would actually be inconvenient for me to get out of a sun without wrecking the sun."