"I think I feel responsible for all of the same things whether I've made an oath about them or not," Iomedae says. "But - I have no way to say to people, look in my heart and see my feeling of responsibility inside it - and that's what oaths can offer."

"That's right. It just - applies a lot more, when you're a junior paladin taking her oaths for the first time, or a junior officer fresh out of the war college, than it does when you're my age taking the oaths to be Lord-Watcher... I'd love to tell you I was thoughtful and responsible about it when I was fresh out of the war college but I can't. I took the oaths because that's what officers of Lastwall do, and by the Goddess I wanted to be an officer of Lastwall."

"Have you ever wished you'd done something else instead?"

"...Sometimes. Not that I'd never been an officer, but - Could've stayed at Captain. Would've been easier to do right by my family."

"But that's not - being stuck in a promise you made, that's just - wanting two things, that pull in different directions?"

"That's right. I've never regretted my oaths qua oaths."

"Thank you. ...a lot of what I want is to be - easier for Lastwall to work with, to plan around - am I going about that the right way?"

"Becoming one of Cansellarion's people? It tells us a bit more about what to expect. I think we've had some trouble planning around you and Alfirin but - a lot of that is just that you're bringing some very new things to the world. You're not very hard to plan around, personally, but radio broadcasts and 'Watt engines' are."

On Oathday Iomedae goes to the Cathedral de Sancta Iomedaea to make her vows to Cansellarion’s paladin order. She’s still nervous, and still pretty sure that her nerves reflect her correctly understanding the decision to be a significant one, rather than some part of her warning herself not to do it. She really genuinely expects Cansellarion to continue being a reasonable person when she is committed to his order, and if he’s not there isn’t actually a cheaper way to find out. 

She spends a slightly embarrassing amount of time fretting over what to wear. Not the cyberpunk jumpsuits, she doesn’t wear those out of the facility. A dress seems just as wildly inappropriate. Most paladins wear armor but she hasn’t in nearly five years and would be incompetent in it, and it seems like that undercuts all the symbolism -

(Alfirin may notice this predicament because she’s anxiously making the sleeves of many garments swing back and forth between everything from an Imperial Taldane gentleman’s riding outfit to an xkcd tshirt.)

She comes up behind Iomedae and hugs her. "You're overthinking this, but I think if I tell you to stop you'll just start overthinking and fretting over some other detail."

“I thought about enlisting for access to training on modern US military systems, and their military mostly just fights wars in the Middle East that don't accomplish anything! Cansellarion wants to take my homeland back from Hell! I’m being completely ridiculous!”

She ended up not enlisting because training on modern US military systems wasn't going to be useful, there was no way they could memorize and learn enough to build them. But the vows weren't in fact prohibitive.

"Yep. Completely ridiculous. Like absolutely everyone going into a big life-changing ceremony... maybe not like people with a few more paladin powers whose god has given them immunity to stage fright. But like every other normal human being in this situation." She'd be kind of sad if Iomedae were the kind of paladin who never felt afraid. Depends how it works, really, but it seems like it'd be losing something good along with the bad, there.

"Right," says Iomedae miserably, "all of the other paladins in my new paladin order are immune to fear and will have no comprehension of what madness has taken hold of me. Good point, I hadn't thought of that."

"Don't they mostly sign up and swear the oaths before they get magic powers about it? I'm sure this is perfectly normal and they see it every year. I've heard you're supposed to imagine something completely ridiculous, for stage fright. Should I come up with suggestions?"

Iomedae tries out dressing as Mulan, then Mickey Mouse. "I don't think it's helping." The Little Mermaid. "Okay, no, maybe we're getting there."

"You know, I bet this wouldn't be the first time for that last one, what with the uncanny-similarity-to-China continent. But what I meant is that I think you're supposed to imagine Cansellarion with a frog's head or something like that."

Iomedae frowns consideringly. "...no, he's still really scary. And Lastwall seems more cosmopolitan and modern, welcoming the frog-headed ….can you sneak over to the cathedral and see what the other people taking oaths, if there are any, are wearing for it?"

"Yeah, absolutely." She runs off to do so.

"...Awkwardly," she says when she gets back, "They are all in military uniform. Did someone issue you a rank and a uniform when I wasn't looking?"

"No!" says Iomedae. "I am pretty sure I would remember that!"

"Well…maybe something that looks vaguely like a uniform but isn't actually claiming any sort of rank - like this -" She demonstrates. It looks a little too sci-fi to blend in well in Lastwall.

"Mmm," says Iomedae, distracted. "You look good in uniform. Contemplated joining any armies yourself?"

"I don't know if I could stand the discipline - or take seriously any army without any, I guess. Maybe I can talk Zima - no, not him, Valentina, she's slightly less grumpy - into starting an army corps of engineers and appointing me colonel or something. Let me design the uniforms… No, still too much discipline I think. Sorry, dear."

"And now we know why original Alfirin did not join the Crusade and make history. We thought she got eaten by a bear but actually she checked it out, found it had either too little or too much discipline, and lived a quiet life feeding birds and reading the newspapers."

"You know, you could make a decent living, reading the newspapers -" Now she's sad and a little homesick. She thinks it's kind of stupid to be homesick for a place she never wanted to go back to but persists in it anyways.

"...Anyways, while I am happy to stand here and look pretty - striking? I imagine I probably look more striking than pretty in this - we were trying to figure out what you can wear."

Iomedae swallows determinedly. "I will just ask someone. 'What should I wear' is a silly childish girlish question and I am embarrassed to ask it, but 'what won't draw attention, if we imagine Lastwall is presently closely observed by its enemies?' is a sensible one."