"She chose me about six months ago. Mom's dead, but in a sense I think I won the argument."

"Oh. I'm sorry." Goddess, he hopes those weren't related but they probably are.

"Thank you. I think probably my mother is happier now, but I do sort of wish fewer secret things had happened and I could complain to more people about all of it. …does the Goddess not choose on a schedule, if you've got something else you're planning to go do if you're not going to be a good paladin? It really seems like it'd save people a lot of time to be predictable that way - you could have two tracks, 'this is what I want to do regardless, pick me in thirty years if that's what makes sense' and 'make up your mind within one'..."

"Oh. Maybe She does, I guess I never really thought about it. I'm definitely in the first group, see - going to be a sworn knight of the order even if she never does pick me."

"That makes sense," says Iomedae seriously. "I think that's how the Lord-Watcher is, right?"

"That's what they say! That some people the Goddess chooses for their strengths, and some people the Goddess doesn't choose because of their strengths, or something like that. I do really hope She chooses me, though. What's it like?"

"... probably better under different circumstances. Not that I wish it hadn't happened, I've never once wished that, but - I think if I had chosen the order first, and satisfied myself of all my questions about the Goddess, and - been able to tell the people I'd have wanted to tell - then it would be a very beautiful memory, probably. I wouldn't have wanted Her to do anything different. I guess I want to live in a different sort of world, but - that's why we've got to build it, right."

"Yeah. Got to build a better world, can't just wait around for it to happen. The Goddess never just waited around."

"I guess She didn't."

Iomedae spends most of the rest of the day on edge about what she can identify on close inspection as 'whether Cansellarion is going to tell her she needs to clean her room'. Observing to herself that obviously no he won't does not seem to help.

"I think some of my fear of taking the oaths was about being a foster child," she says to Alfirin.

"Hmmmm, like you think Cansellarion will tell you to do things that he thinks are good for you even if you disagree, and you'll have to listen?"

"Like - like I spent all this time in this context where it was universally agreed that I was supposed to listen to someone who it had been decided was more qualified than me to decide what things happened to me, and even when she was right and I didn't disagree it shouldn't have been her choice, because she didn't have all the context - couldn't have all of the context - not that I had all the context, either, but it was my life - and I expect I'd have a different set of fears if Evelyn had been bad at her job but in fact she was good at it and it's just that everyone agreed she had the right, and so all of my ability to act in the world ended up - compressed and narrowed to pass through one person -."

"Yeah - in a way it doesn't matter whether she was right or wrong, just that she was getting to decide and we weren't - obviously it matters in a different way that she wasn't terribly wrong all the time, but - for what was bad about being a foster child, separate from what might be bad about having a bad foster parent - what matters is that we weren't free. And now you're feeling like you're again not free, even though you chose it."

"Yes. And I think I thought of being an adult, being fully a person, as - getting to be the one who decided. And obviously it would've been very different for both of us if Evelyn had said 'hey, I'll feed you both and get you an education but you have to follow my rules', we'd plausibly both have taken her up on it, we wouldn't in fact have been unfree. Free people can agree to be predictable for various reasons - can want to - I don't want to be free to lie on the radio - It's not actually very similar at all. But there's a part of me that doesn't see the difference, and that - doesn't know how to have someone have power over me without panicking. …and that is making Cansellarion a really excessive share of my mental universe. I really do not think 'try to make my boss happy' is a good use of half my thoughts."

"Oh no. That's far too many of your thoughts…I think something a lot like that is why I don't want to enlist with Lastwall myself. Right now I'm free to tinker with engines and build factories and teach people chemistry and physics and stuff and - if I worked for Lastwall I would have to tinker with engines and build factories and teach people chemistry and physics and stuff and it would be awful."

Iomedae laugh-sob-hiccups. "Yep. That. Except that - I really do want to be a paladin, so I've got to figure it out. I guess I will wait a couple of weeks and see if it dies down once I get a sense of how they've actually changed how they treat me, and if it hasn't then I will….complain to you again."

Alfirin pulls her in close so she can pet Iomedae's hair. "Yeah, see if it changes in a couple weeks - and, worst case, it's a year. Even if it never gets any better - you're strong. You can do this for a year and then - we can figure out some other oaths for you, that get what you want from them even if you don't have anyone commanding you - I bet the other paladins would be okay with that. Maybe it's leaning a bit on your god-self's reputation but - I bet they'd be okay with it."

Catherine broods. Almost certainly this is all some elaborate trick, quite likely a trap laid for her specifically - who else, after all, would have any interest in Alfirin? It's not the work of Lastwall, which could mean Lastwall is another intended target - she is not sure whether or how to warn them, if so. It's not the work of Cheliax but that does not mean it's not the work of Hell. (If it is the work of Hell, Lilia is not safe where she is, but Catherine cannot think of a way to make her safer that doesn't throw away crucial assets in the cases where it's not Hell's doing.)

The problem is, despite being facially ridiculous, it could very well be real. It probably is real, or near-enough to it, even though it is a trick. Lastwall could not possibly have failed to check with their Goddess, whether the person appearing to be Her younger mortal self really was that. Somehow, whoever arranged this managed a real, genuine copy of Iomedae. As a child. And if they did that, why not Alfirin as well?

(She is trying not to dwell on the fact that the two of them are happy and in love. She is trying not to dwell on the fact that this Iomedae seems to want to stay human, mortal, herself. She is trying not to dwell on the experience of sex that was, somehow, so much worse than any other instance in her centuries of grudgingly tolerating other people's sex lives. She's trying not to dwell on how safe and unafraid the other Alfirin seems to be.)

(She is not really succeeding at any of those.)

Another person might turn to a friend or confidant for advice, but really, who can Catherine turn to for something like this? There's only one other person on this plane with the relevant context and there is no way that Catherine is going to go speak with her.

"This is Freedom Radio, reporting live from an undisclosed location. We're on this week with a priest of the goddess Iomedae, here to tell us about perhaps the most famous mortal woman ever to walk the earth. You've heard the stories of the Shining Crusade, but what kind of goddess does that legendary hero become? Thank you for joining us, Captain Aarind." 

"I am honored for the chance to speak on Freedom Radio, if a little nervous. I can't say you were exactly kind to Sevandivasan."

"I am sure someone will start a radio show for flattering priests with straightforward questions. And perhaps the people who think I am disrespectful will prefer to listen to it. But we heard from the Church of Abadar that many listeners, all around the world, were chosen by Abadar as they heard us speak of Him. I think our gods are served by our comprehension, and our comprehension is served by asking uncomfortable questions. So, Iomedae. Tell us about her. Chaotic? Evil?"

"No, not at all. Quite the opposite, in fact. Iomedae is a Lawful Good god, which means that She is principally interested in pursuing the happiness and wellbeing of mortals, and that She thinks these aims are best served by - in Her case, through organizations created for the purpose of promoting the good or for the purpose of opposing Evil. Other Lawful Good gods instead favor the bonds of small communities, or the growth and strengthening of cities and nations."