"Just the overview. I'd like to hear it from you."

She nods, turning her cheek into Elesse's shoulder more.

Remembering this stuff while embodied is - very hard, emotionally, but cuddling is nice enough Anakin's reluctant to stop and retreat back into her ghost self.

" - The first was. Very early."

"When I agreed to become your padawan, I - was very traumatized, and I didn't fully understand what it would mean, or myself enough to - know how I'd react to anything. This... Isn't an issue by itself, but - "

"A lot of parts of being a Jedi were good for me. You were good for me, and I loved - and still love - you. But - you, and the Jedi in general, encouraged me to break all ties to my past loved ones, and I don't - actually remember how strong that encouragement was, whether it was enforced, or - to what extent I was just sick of having people who could be kept as hostages against me and so diving head long to a place where I - shouldn't have gone. I wasn't able to make new connections among the Jedi - kids my age rejected me, either no adults noticed or thought it'd be an issue or knew how to fix that. We stayed on the move a lot too, and - none of the other adults tried to establish a - bond with me that could compete with yours. You - were the only person I could trust, the only one I knew how to have any real conversations with, the only person I genuinely felt cared about whether I existed as - me, uniquely, and not as a general random sapient."

"I - didn't have anyone to talk to, then, if - you weren't around, or if something involved you in a way I needed - outside help to process before I could take it to you. Or if something involved - so much vulnerability that the thought of giving you more of an ability to hurt me if you ever decided to was - very, very terrifying."

"This fucked me up. In - I can talk and think evenly about nearly everything else, now, but - this feels like a wound that didn't heal correctly. And still hurts."

(She's shaking, a little.)

"Oh, Anakin." Elesse strokes her hair gently.

Snuggle. Her eyes are trying to cry, some.

"It sucked. I know you didn't mean to, but - that doesn't erase it."

"And I don't - know entirely why it - kept happening. If you - ever saw it as it was happening."

Sigh.

"You fell into a certain blindspot, I think. One neither I or the Jedi were prepared for or equipped to help you with. That you lived outside the Order's structures as a child, that I was anomalously self-sufficent myself... I failed you, and worse, I did not recognize, or perhaps even wish to recognize, that I had."

She nods and starts crying a little. 

"I'm not - stuck in that place at all anymore, but - thank you."

Quiet pause.

Then: "I have a padawan, now. Lily. There were - irregular things about raising her, such that it would have been very easy and tempting to take a path that left her isolated, and... I do think it helped with her at least, that I knew where that - particular failure mode lies."

Then, a small, self-deprecating snort. "Instead I found new and exciting ways to screw up. Children are hard."

Small laugh. "Very true."

She smiles. "Lily's excellent, despite it all, even when she's being difficult or when I'm screwing up, and - just to warn you - I take every chance I get to brag about her."

"I never would have picked up on that."

She giggles. "Lily wants to meet you sometime, by the way - she pouted when I didn't take her along to resurrect you."

"I'd like to meet her as well."

Lean. "So - I don't know if Maz told you about the stuff with people having the same Force signature and all?"

"In broad strokes. That girl, Ellie, did feel familiar somehow..."

She nods. "We don't really know what's going on there... There's some similarities, but - not perfect copies across, whether in personal story or just thought patterns."

"I'd met three people with repeated signatures just - normally. Lily's actually one of them. Ellie is - more odd, she traveled here from a parallel dimension with two others. By now we have Ellaita and Ellie as your alts - what we've started calling whatever this is - and Fay and two women named Anathema of mine. Fay and one of the Anathemas traveled with Ellie, and Fay looks like me, and their Anathema looks like I did when young - but not how Fay looked when young."

"Ellie claims there's also a woman named Lily in her world who looks like my Lily and appears very similar, mentally."

"...Lily's local alt was Palpatine. I - don't want you to be surprised by any similar feelings off her."

"...I see."

She leans against Elesse, quietly, and shrugs.

"She's a good kid."

Anakin sighs, turning her face a bit more into Elesse's shoulder.

Pet pet.

"I think she was good for you."

She smiles. "She has been. Exceptionally so. I'd been getting my shit together before I found her, but - "

"She needed me functional and able to handle even fairly massive triggers, especially since she was a toddler when I found her - there was no one else who could take her, so..."

"I made myself get better." She laughs a little. "Though I suspect a lot of parenting was easier as a ghost. I didn't need sleep, if nothing else."

"She's been good since, too. She's smart. Clear headed most of the time, and incredibly good at arguing with me when my brain is being dumb. And she understands things very differently - I've realized something more than once in the course of explaining things to her. Also... She's protective of me, and she's pushed me to make friends quite a few times."

"There's also nothing quite like realizing you're losing an argument with a five year old to help test your general emotional maturity."

"Or even a nine year old," Elesse murmurs. "I don't think I'll ever forget the day you walked into that cell and demanded I get up and help."

She grins.

"And you did."

"And then you came back for me."

"That pretty much single handedly convinced me that actually good people exist, you know."

"I regret it not one bit."

She laughs. 

"I don't, either."

"I loved being your padawan. It was good for me, even with the problems."

She hums then, suddenly thoughtful. "That... Might be why it's felt like a more lingering wound. I knew how to cope with a universe that contained no real kindness. No good people. Just an unrelenting sea of misery before me where my best hope was to hurt it back."

"I didn't know how to cope with... Normal life's problems, and then - we were denied the chance to heal." 

Something's relaxed in her. Her smile seems less fragile. "But we have that chance now."

"We do."

Snuggle. 

"It's nice."

She loves Elesse so much, and apparently a lot of her normal impulse control rests on not having a hormonal system, because: "I had the worst crush on you, basically as soon as I hit puberty, and - it's very easy to remember why."

...Blush!

She should maybe not have blurted that out.

"Oh." Elesse is somewhat surprised by this.

"I suppose that explains some things, in retrospect."