I feel pissed off at the idea that I can't get this to work for me even though it works for Haru because it's yet another way I'm failing and obviously inferior as a human being. Haru said that other people have tried it and failed, too, but that's different, because they weren't as motivated as I am to try. except, am I even motivated to try? is spite really a good motivator? but it's what i've got, so what else am i gonna do, ignore it to try to find some more "pure" motivation?
...well, i kind of want to, because it's
He looks at it for a few more seconds. He knows what comes next, and it's very silly that he's hesitating. No one else's going to read it.
He now understands why Haru feels private about it.
embarrassing to use spite as a motivation for this. the point of this is meant to be being able to better process and understand my emotions and to have superpowers like Haru does of being able to not feel attracted to someone i feel attracted to. i'm not sure how he does that by just writing his feelings down or whatever and that annoys me and he looks so smug about it and that annoys me even more except since i apparently like him that makes me want to kiss him and those things aren't contradictory because wanting to kiss someone i want to punch isn't like news or anything
i lost the plot
it feels so embarrassing to need spite to motivate my self-improvement, like, holyu shit, kang jaeha, way to go on that being a good person bullshit, yo ucan't even have a good person reason to want to improve? like, say, wanting to improve. that'd be a good person reason to want to improve. itself. it's a good thing.
but fine. i am going to borrow one of those dumb tumblrite words from when i was a teenager and say that i am practising radical self-acceptance here. i will accept that i fucking suck as a human being and i need spite to motivate me.
so
i spitefully want to make this work, and it pisses me off that i need that, but i'll use that
Hmm. He highlights the "it pisses me off that i need that" so that he'll come back to it later.
i don't want to get therapy because it's fucking embarrassing to need therapy for the shit i did. i wasn't the one who got fucking abused for a year and stalked for five, lee tae-gun was. he probably needs therapy. i was fine! i was twirling my fucking mustache and being evil and shit, watching from the sidelines, planning, plotting, and waiting until he was almost dead. that's fucking evil. and like sure i wa sbacklashed by why was i that backlashed in the first place? that's right becausde i was a fucking idiot who couldn't be happy with him being in love with me like a normal person and wanted to possess him completely and isolate him from the rest of his life so that he'd never ever leave me
see where that got you, jackass?
so it was all me. like yeah backlash but it was me, i got backlashed because of me, i abused him because of me, so what fuckjing right do i even have to need therapy? what right do i have to feel fucked up by it, to feel bad about it? or like, i deserve to feel bad about it, because i! was! bad! i was evil! it is my fitting judgment!
typing this out like this is making the shoulder Haru i apparently have make very unhappy noises so fine. whatr. what is it, shoulder Haru. why are you making unhappy noises at me about.
"People don't deserve to suffer. There is nothing you could possibly do to, as you said, stop being a moral patient. No matter how horrible you were, you are still a person, and no one gains anything from your suffering."
okay but what about justice? how is it fair for me to be happy, to not suffer, when i made other people suffer so much?
"Justice is fake and desert is fake. The only things that matter are people, and you're a person. Sure, your suffering might bring some closure and comfort to Kim Hye-jin and Lee Tae-gun—but does it? have you checked? have you thought about it?—but even so, that would be doing something harmful and bad to you because it was outweighed by the positive feelings it caused in others, not because it was a good thing in itself."