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It's kind of funny in retrospect that he thought figuring out a way to get shielded from Nightmare would help. Nightmare knows him by now, probably knows him better than anyone else. It doesn't matter that he got someone else's shielding without them knowing that he did, because Nightmare does not need any access to his mind anymore to have a real fucking good guess of how to get to him.
let these emotions overflow
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wall-flower
"... There was an email. From Quasar's president. Saying that if we should encounter an esper driven - bad, I suppose - by Nightmare, that there was a solution for humanely shutting them down. Was it not actually about a clever way to stop Kang Jaeha??"
there_to_stay
Yeah, yeah he would, but—
"I, that—I don't know if it's—I should tell you what the cameras caught. But. I don't know if it'll matter so much, because—Kang Jaeha had a knife and—"
neither_rest_nor_peace
He's sobbing, he's lost track of how long he's been sobbing for, he's snotty and disgusting and he can't seem to stop crying. He can't stop. His brain isn't even having any coherent thoughts, anymore, just a repeating loop of the same thing:
It's over.
It's over. It's really, really over. He's free. They're free, they're all free, it's over, that, that thing is gone, it's dead, it'll never touch him again. Never touch Hye-jin again. It's over. It's all over. He doesn't know what all of the feelings he's feeling are, he's sure there's grief there, somewhere, too, but the main one is pure relief.
It's over. It's over. It's really over.
fire_of_the_heart
Hye-jin is... well, she's fine, actually? It doesn't feel real, yet, she doesn't fully believe that the danger is gone. She doesn't trust it, which leaves her at square one, really. Which is - not great, but fine. If it's actually over, then: good. If it's not, well. It won't catch her by surprise again. All of her ability to hope that it'll be over has been systematically bled out of her over months.
But she will be holding her boyfriend regardless, and making sure he gets enough calories and liquids into him to offset the crying.
She does, actually, hope that it's over. For both of them.
(But she'll need a while to believe it.)
this_peculiar_power
...I missed, a small and unimportant part of his brain registers. The side of his neck is bandaged, and he must've bled quite a lot, with how weak he's feeling, but—he's alive. He's alive, on a hospital bed, hooked into IV fluids, handcuffed to the bed.
He thought he was suicidal before, but he really had no idea just how badly one could want to die. No idea at all.
The handcuffs are not the only restraint holding him in place, because they wouldn't be enough to make sure he wouldn't try to kill himself. He's properly tied to the bed, he can barely move, he can't pull those bandages off and try to finish the job, let himself bleed the rest of the way out.
He's got an inkling of what the handcuffs are for, though, ivory in colour and texture, cold to the touch. The way it feels like they're pulling something from him, draining him of—something. The way it feels like they're not quite made purely of matter.
When he told Nightmare he was going to want to die if he ever ran out of backlash, his prediction had been completely correct.
this_peculiar_power
"Please," he tries to yell, tries to call out to someone, anyone at all, but his voice comes out in a hoarse croak. "Please kill me. Please. I can't, please, I don't deserve to, I'm—"
this_peculiar_power
They're too late. Too late. If there was ever a time when he could be saved, that time is long gone. He doesn't understand why this, why now, how they have some, some—it must've come from a dungeon, whatever these cuffs are made of. He has no access to his powers, none whatsoever, and all of his backlash is gone, or at least the parts of it that aren't just physical damage.
And this? This is much, much worse than death.
He should've let Nightmare keep him. Should've let it eat him, take him away to wherever it is that the people lost in dungeons go when the dungeons disappear. It was stupid, thinking he could have any measure of control over how he'd go. He should've just gone. He should've just gone, just surrendered to the dungeon, walked off into nowhere until he starved.
Or just killed himself in there. No one would've stopped him. He would've succeeded, if he'd tried. Except maybe Nightmare would've stopped him, would've made him just keep wishing he was dead forever.
At least outside he'll only wish he was dead for at most as long as it takes him to die of old age.
this_peculiar_power
"Please," he whispers, feeling the tears run down his face and not even able to wipe them off. "Please. I'll do anything. Please. Just kill me. Just let me die. Please—"
this_peculiar_power
How could he. How could he? How, how dare he do all of this to, to, to Tae-gun.
His Tae-gun—
He can't. He can't call Tae-gun "his". There are many people who can. Min Woo-young can. Kim Hye-jin can. He cannot. He has lost the privilege to do that, if he ever even had it. Min Woo-young was better for Tae-gun than Jaeha could have ever been.
If, if only—
He wishes Min Woo-young had caught him earlier. Had figured it out earlier. That whole year in which he, he, he hurt Tae-gun so much.
The most important person to him. The person he loves the most. But how could he ever claim to love him, after having done all of what he did?
There were so, so many times when he could've chosen something else. Could've done something else. Something that wouldn't hurt Tae-gun, something that wouldn't hurt hapless bystanders—
this_peculiar_power
Can he figure out how to bite his tongue hard enough to bleed out from that? He's heard about this.
Except that with all of his feelings back he's also afraid of the pain.
That's so pathetic. He's a worthless worm, worse than that, he's a disgusting parasite and he can't even do the world a favour and die properly.
Why did they save him? Why did they keep him alive?
"Please," he repeats once more. There must be someone listening, they wouldn't just leave him alone here, would they?
But maybe it's what he deserves. Maybe death is too good for him. Maybe having to live with the monster he is, with the memories of the last nearly eight years is his punishment.
Maybe he should have walked off in Nightmare. Maybe staying there forever having his entire life twisted into the tools of his punishment is what should've happened.
Maybe he can convince someone to let him do that. If they're doing this so he can suffer, that might get somewhere.
this_peculiar_power
No, he doesn't think he can do that. Selfish until the very end, is Kang Jaeha. He thinks he can, actually, muster up the courage to bite off his own tongue. In the worst case, someone will have to find him and then he'll be able to beg more effectively.
He opens his mouth.
this_peculiar_power
Oh for fuck's sake they had some fucking esper install a compulsion or some shit in his brain, he can't even take actions to kill himself.
this_peculiar_power
Does it count as cruel and unusual punishment, to keep him here against his will without any human contact while he finds every second of existence excruciating and worse than death? He supposes not; institutions exist, after all, so even if it is cruel it's not really unusual. He's even been in one, when he manifested and had to experience the full brunt of his backlash for several days.
But this is still worse. Back then, he just couldn't feel anything as strongly. Right now, this is agony. This is the definition of hell, is being forced to look at and live with everything he's done, especially everything he's done to the love of his life. Being unable to escape, unable to think of anything else, his mind drawn inexorably to all of the ways he's been horrible, to the memories of how Tae-gun's been worsening and worsening over the years because of him. It's sickening, and it's sickening that he ever thought he'd be able to live with himself at the end of it all. It's insane that he failed to understand what it meant to not feel backlash, what it would turn him into, until the very end. He's disgusted with himself, disgusted with how the emotion he felt when he saw a person healing Tae-gun was anger and hatred. Kim Hye-jin is everything he isn't, is better for Tae-gun than he could ever be, and instead of being happy for him Jaeha was jealous and possessive and wanted to get rid of her.
And he can't even convince himself that the person he was while backlashed isn't him. He knows what he's like, what he was like, when fully guided. That person was still there, under all of the backlash. Someone else with his backlash wouldn't have done everything he's done. Tae-gun wouldn't have done everything he's done. The only difference between him now and him yesterday (or however long ago that was) is that now he is aware of how wrong it all was.
this_peculiar_power
Please let him die. Please. Please, please, please. What does he have to do, how can he make it happen, trying to think of ways to end it all is the only way he can distract himself from the rest of his thoughts and it's not any more pleasant but at least it's unpleasant in a different way.
He hates himself. He loathes himself. He's a mistake, he's a blight on this world, he should have never been. Tae-gun should've found Kim Hye-jin first, should've known the happiness he's currently experiencing years ago, should never have been touched by Jaeha. There is no Jaeha without Tae-gun, and Jaeha should never have touched Tae-gun, never have sullied Tae-gun with his existence, and therefore Jaeha should never have existed.
this_peculiar_power
He shouldn't exist.
He shouldn't exist.
He shouldn't exist.
He shouldn't exist.
He shouldn't exist.
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He shouldn't exist.
He shouldn't exist.
He shouldn't exist.
He shouldn't exist.
He shouldn't exist.
He shouldn't exist.
He shouldn't exist.
He shouldn't exist.
Eun-ji has been having a very exciting confluence. It's a good thing this isn't her first, because then she thinks she'd quit out of despair that every single one might be like this. As it is, she's - well. Coping.
And the guy (probably) responsible for giving her such a massive fucking headache is, at the very least, in custody. That helps. Means the headache is almost over. Probably.
"Oh, oppaaaaaa~" calls Eun-ji, poking her head into her cousin's office. The secretary let her past, obviously. "Hello, this is your regular wellness check from your very favorite cousin, how big's your headache?"
He looks... alright, actually? Almost cheerful?
"Oh, better than it's been in weeks, thank you for asking," he says.
"And I surely have no idea why that would be, and will make no guesses as to anything in particular that might be causing it," agrees Eun-ji, nodding.
"Aw, I can't just actually come to check on you?" She pouts, briefly, then smiles and shrugs. "Fine, you're right, it's nothing like me. Your fancy secret project! The handcuff one, not any other secret projects you may or may not be doing in the background. Someone sent me a message saying it was doing something against backlash? What are the specifics there, because it'd be great if it were a miracle but, like, I doubt it's that simple because weird dungeon tech's never that simple."