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Taliar in Evil Arda
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Would you like me to come back, or should I continue listening from a distance? 

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I don't know.

He's not even sure what all the factors are. He's having some strongly mixed feelings about the prospect of being near Maitimo right now - he has successfully got himself into a state where part of him really wants Maitimo to show up and fuck him immediately, but unfortunately not got himself out of the state where the rest of him really really doesn't want that at all - and on an entirely different level he doesn't feel at all ready to confront the question of why Maitimo has been so distant with him, if that's even been happening, he isn't fully confident in his assessments given how many different kinds of fucked up he's been over the last couple of days... he wants to ask Maitimo to share some thoughts with him, something from that night or something from just now when he was listening, something to spark the love Taliar always feels when Maitimo shares these things, but he's afraid in a way he's never been before, afraid that Maitimo might just find him tedious...

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That has got to be deliberately ambiguous. It snaps him right out of insecurity and into vaguely affectionate irritation.

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And a minute later Maitimo walks in and walks over to him and picks him up and kisses his hair - won't take it any farther, right now, was enjoying listening to you putting yourself back together and have no desire to disrupt the process - but I haven't gotten bored. It is important to me that you know that. I am not bored and I am not disappointed, I love you and you fascinate me...

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Taliar smiles and (takes a moment to steady himself and) hugs him, genuinely relieved.

Thank you, he says. I love you. No regrets.

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And he kisses him and then leans back to listen.

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Taliar curls up and leans on him. It's comfortable, in a sense. The feeling of safety is gone and it won't be back for a while, but he can still enjoy the closeness, and he can still believe what Maitimo said about not going farther for now.

Loving Maitimo hurts. Wanting him hurts too, but differently, it's all tangled up with fear, in multiple directions...

He brings himself back to the memory of that night, the memory of admitting his hypothetical refusal and then forcing himself to go along with what followed. He can think about it without immediately bursting into tears, now. That's progress.

It would help me a lot if you showed me what it felt like for you, he says.

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So he does. I'll have to put myself back together a whole different way, he'd said, and he'd been so afraid, so miserable, so horrified and lost and vulnerable and yet he'd obeyed, he'd tried to reach for even more than that, it had been fascinating, making his beautiful Taliar fall apart in his hands and pull himself back together - 

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He smiles. He sighs. He wishes Maitimo's thoughts had physical form so he could hug them. He settles for hugging Maitimo instead.

I love you, he says. I will love you forever. The way you think about me is the most beautiful thing in the world.

And oh, now he's crying again a little bit. Quiet tears rather than anguished sobs.

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I believe you. I'm proud of you. I'm delighted with you. 

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He's - not all the way better yet, not even most of the way - but it's such a relief to have started, to know that he's on the right track, to know that Maitimo believes him and loves him.

I'm glad, he says. Thank you for showing me that.

And now he should really get back to what he was doing before, but—it's a little different, making himself want Maitimo with Maitimo right there and definitely listening in— can you warn me if my thoughts get too tempting...

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Kiss. You're always overwhelmingly tempting, Taliar. I won't interrupt you while you're actively working at this.

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Well, that's oddly flattering. Okay.

Back down the trail of memory he goes. He pulls together moments from the night of his hypothetical refusal and moments from other, happier times - happier but still terrifying - and holds them next to each other in his mind, letting their associations intertwine, until he can think about the moment his safety fell away and feel a shiver of hunger alongside the fear, until he can run through the rest of the memory from start to finish and come out of it wanting as well as terrified and on the verge of tears.

Then he looks up at Maitimo and says, smiling crookedly, This is technically still me actively working at this but I will understand completely if it leads to interruptions, and kisses him. Not a quick light sort of kiss. Very much the other kind. He is still terrified and still on the verge of tears but he has decided, in the best Dawn-shining Taliar style, not to let that stop him.

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I said I wouldn't interrupt you, he murmurs. Means you can say no, if you'd like, I'll listen, just today.

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He shivers, at that, it's frightening to contemplate, because if he believes it and relies on it and it turns out false he is going to be so wrecked, but Maitimo has never yet let him down in that way - he can make himself trust the assurance - he does. It shifts the balance in his head toward the nicer kind of fear.

I love you. I want you, he says. And thinks about exactly what he wants - he has not been focusing on nice sweet gentle moments all day, here - his mind is full of images and sensations of Maitimo holding him down, being rough with him, covering him in bruises that heal almost before they form - want it scary, and I trust you with that, love you want you trust you want you want you -

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Well, then. 

 

Rough, scary, hungry, adoring, his Taliar putting his head back together is such a delight - 

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And the option of refusal exists for him and he doesn't take it. He's tempted, in a few scattered moments, when the fear almost gets to be too much, but he doesn't, because this is what he wants. It's so satisfying.

Afterward, hugging Maitimo dizzily and trying to catch his breath, he reaches for the feeling of safety and very nearly finds it. That warm safe centered feeling is still just out of reach, but he can lie there in the golden light of his healing aura and cuddle his lovely terrifying boyfriend and not feel even a little bit afraid.

I feel so immensely successful right now, he says. Love you so much. Love you forever. Thank you. Thank you for giving me this.

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You are a delight and I am delighted with you.

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Taliar grins and hugs him some more.

It's very tempting to just curl up and snuggle him and ignore all remaining problems - it's even helpful, in some ways, it's soothing, it gives him an anchor of positive feeling to come back to, a foundation on which to rebuild love and trust - but the hard part's not over yet and he knows it. What Maitimo just gave him was perfect, exactly what he needed on so many levels, but if he tries to skip the rest of the work and go on from here he's going to crash hard next time Maitimo doesn't let him say no.

So.

He brings his mind back to how much loving Maitimo hurt just a short time ago. He starts crying again, and he hangs onto the feeling, lets it fill him up, sobs helplessly into Maitimo's chest. It hurts to love someone who hurts you. That's a very reasonable and natural thing. And now he is going to find ways to make it hurt less.

In a sense he agreed to all this. He deliberately put himself in this situation because Maitimo asked him to. He remembers the warm affection and amusement he felt when Maitimo said he might like to see Taliar put himself back together a whole new way. He knew then that he'd end up in a situation very like this, and he was okay with it. He knew when he checked his hypothetical consent that it would probably end badly for him, and he did it anyway, and Maitimo was so proud of him...

The pain isn't gone just like that. It's not going to be that simple this time. But it helps. It helps a lot. They are on the same side. He needs to remember that.

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He hugs him and waits. 

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The crying subsides, slowly. He snuggles Maitimo, and thinks about all the ways Maitimo is beautiful and brilliant and amazing. Loving him hurts less, and less, and less...

It still does hurt. He's still not completely okay. But he reaches a point where he can truthfully say, I forgive you.

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I wasn't planning to apologize. Except for leaving you to feel abandoned; that was unintentional.

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Well, thank you for that one, I appreciate it. I don't need an apology for the other thing and I wasn't expecting one. I just... needed to forgive you, so I did.

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It was everything I could have hoped for. You're my miracle, Taliar.

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