The next guard to come by has a bundle of Nale's clothes.

"We took the magic items, but the outfit isn't enchanted, so. Here, murdering scum."

He tosses the clothes at Elan.

They're... heavier than expected?

He doesn't really want to put Nale’s clothes back on, but he felt that thunk. He inspects the bundle.

The Tome of Erotic Power

This slender volume will open your thighs to the innumerable benefits of sex magic! Great for escaping from prison cells! Guaranteed non-Evil! Guaranteed completely broken! Your not-necessarily-a-girlfriend will be fine with you reading this book!

It's a surprisingly dense subtitle, for a paperback with a winking nymph on the cover.

His eyes widen as he runs his fingers along the subtitle. Someone wants to help him escape. Is it… the guard who gave him the book? He feels like if you get a book from a guard that says that sex magic is great for escaping from prison cells, it means the guard wants to have sex with you.

… If it gets him out of this cell…

He reaches the last line. Haley's not his—

Well. It does say not necessarily. Which, he guesses, is completely true.

Will she really be fine with it?

"Do I look like Durkon to you? Literally anything you do to escape prison is 100% fine."

"Also, the idea of you doing sex magic is incredibly attractive and I want to see and/or participate in it."

Elan opens the book.

Somewhere, a rogue sneezes.

Tutorial

You appear to be in jail. This is not currently ideal, for any of several reasons. We would love to help you get out! But first, we should probably familiarize you with the basics of "sex magic" - starting with the parallel stat system which, for legal reasons, we must clarify has nothing to do with Wizards of the Coast intellectual property.

Your first stat is BOD, the Body, representing your physical attractiveness and other biological capabilities. At 28, you're almost universally the hottest guy in the room, and frequently, you're the hottest in the county. Or at least the barony. You can increase this stat through exhibitionism, and other acts that invoke the pure beauty and power of your physical form.

Your second is LST, or Lust: the intensity of your sexual urges, and how easy it is to get you going. Traveling for ?months? with a bunch of hotties and also Durkon, without nearly enough opportunities to sneak behind a tree for ten minutes, has ratcheted yours up to a solid 15, almost reclaiming the ground lost after you graduated from Bard Camp and puberty. You gain in this stat while experiencing sexual urges that are unusually intense or that go on unusually long.

Third is SED, Seduction. Your ability to seduce others, to pique their interest and arouse their desire. Your +4 Charisma modifier almost makes up for your near-total inability to be anything other than a silly billy for more than six seconds at a time, leaving you with a cool 12. You can increase this stat by arousing the romantic interest or sexual desire of others, and successfully pursuing them or being caught.

4. FUK, Baking Ability and Flower Arrangemnah we're just screwing with you it's FUCKING, your ability to perform in bed and give others pleasure… or other sensations. Yours is 11, because despite the jokes about Bard Camp you never went much further than clinking teeth and some confused butt-touching, and it's been a while since even that. Increase this stat by arranging flowers and baking.

Number five is a classic: PRV, Perversion, measuring your descent into the world of naughtiness, fetish, deviance, and corruption. (We would like to reiterate that this does not mean Evil. Sexy corruption only.) At 17, you mostly think of sex as a tab-A-slot-B affair, with occasional fantasies about slot A; however, if you got tied up by a very tightly dressed half-orc ninja, your blood pressure might get redirected. You can increase this stat by looking for opportunities to get even kinkier.

Our stat is ERO. We'll be raising that at regular intervals. No need to worry.

Next ->

He can't help but stroke the hair glued to his face as he reads the tutorial. He's never read an intelligent book before. It's very determined to tell him that it isn't Evil, which… could be protesting too much, but he's pretty sure that if it was an Evil magic item it could have mind controlled him right away.

Maybe he's being mind-controlled right now. He picks up Nale's cloak clasp and squints at his reflection. His eyes don't look swirly, so he's… probably good.

It sure knows a lot about him. Are all intelligent books like this?

He's about to turn the page, but his eyes catch on the phrase very tightly dressed half-orc ninja.

He looks up at his cellmate.

Thog.

No.

Yeah, Thog probably doesn't have the DEX for it.

Now he can turn the page.

He's immediately filled with the hope that, once he's out of here, he can tell Roy with a completely straight face that he's finally perfected his invisibility trick.

He knows he should probably distribute his stat points first, but this first ritual is so easy. He immediately starts to disrobe. If for some reason it doesn't work, he'll just say he was going to put on Nale's old clothes!

Thog looks over with moderate interest.

"not-nale go crazy already? naked time is fun kind of crazy."

Elan pauses unbuckling his pants. He knows he had a lie in mind, but that was for any guards. And besides, Thog doesn't sound unhappy or anything.

"It is a fun kind," he agrees, sliding the waistband down his hips. "And what's more… you know how wearing armor gives you huge penalties to sneaking?"

Thog nods. "thog only okay at sneaking under best circumstances, but armor check penalty harsh mattress."

"Yeah, when I first started traveling with my friends, the goblins in the dungeon kept finding us because Durkon's armor was so loud! So I realized—if taking off your armor made it easier to hide, then taking off your clothes must make it really easy! You could even go invisible!"

He's just wearing his underwear, now.

Thog boggles at this. (And glances appreciatively at the free show.)

"that not sound right, but thog not know enough about skill rules to dispute it!"

"Yeah, my friends weren't sure about it at first either."

(Despite the fact that he's putting a lot of trust in this book and following its instructions, he can't deny that he's also got a grain of doubt. But—he saw that look. If he doesn't turn invisible, then he's at least got a chance to "invoke the pure beauty and power of his physical form." And maybe even "arouse the sexual desire of others." He's not sure that he wants his first time arranging flowers to be with Thog, though.)

Moment of truth. He hooks his thumbs over his underwear, shuts his eyes, and tugs it off.

Thog nods, unboggling. "compels thog, though."

If Elan's eyes are closed, he probably can't see whether he's invisible or not.

This…

is true.

He holds his hand up and peeks.

Well, his dick's sure out.

Thog isn't so much looking at him anymore, though. More a couple of feet to the left. And he doesn't seem to be enjoying the view the way he was, though there's still a visible bulge in his jail-issued pants.

Aw, c'mon, couldn't they at least—

His eyes focus a little harder. Okay, he actually is outlined in white. He's going to assume this means he is, in fact, invisible.

There's an obvious test. Moving as Silently as he can, he walks right up to Thog and squeezes his butt.