She turns and takes a half step away before she realizes she needs to cancel the previously failing instruction that's abruptly succeeded at going through. 

"-oh. This is incredible. I could definitely hang first-circle spells like this in the morning. I wonder if I can I do them now? I've never tried in the evening. Do you feel like this all time? Is there any way I can feel like this all the time? I could - "

She notices that something in the demeanor of the Select has shifted. 

"- are you okay?" 

So this is what not being afraid is like.

It doesn't feel like much.

That is to say, it's just an absence. The not-fear doesn't have any weight of its own.

Also, it has deleted about three quarters of Blai's thoughts, and not replaced them with anything.

That's a large fraction.

Most of his thoughts aren't worth having, of course. This is probably just picking out the worthwhile ones that aren't about being afraid.

So it's not objectively slowing him down much probably.

It's a lot like being slowed down, though, subjectively.

And on top of feeling slower he feels like he's interacting less with the process of thinking.

Usually he has to catch his useful thoughts as they go by, each accompanied by chaff he chooses to discard.

He isn't doing that part right now.

It feels sort of like he might have imagined not having free will would feel like.

Fearless. Unencumbered by distracting emotions. Thinking, because he is the kind of tool that must think, but not making decisions about the thoughts.

He is not afraid that he will one day become something like this forever. He is not presently able to be afraid of that, or anything.

Maybe if he were immune to fear always, the way paladins are, he would get faster. Maybe he would fill the blank spots that would once have been full of nervousness with content of value.

Maybe. Maybe not.

It's not for always, though, it's only while the aura is lent to him. He does not have the opportunity to learn to think more efficiently this way.

And he is - slowly, waiting for the thought to come unbidden, lacking any of the usual mental clamor to tear through in search of it, and reduced to passive observation of his mental state - he is aware that he does not like this.

Which is a feeling, and doesn't matter.

The fear that he's missing doesn't matter either.

Since neither of these things matters, that means it's up to him.

In the meanwhile he's doing spiritual counseling, though, and that does matter.

"Please don't worry about me. It's an area effect and I don't seem to take to it as well as you, but it doesn't matter."

"It doesn't cost effort to keep up but there aren't a lot of ways to be sure you can always be within ten feet of a paladin who can do it."

"Is there a way I can do it in the mornings? If I could get first-circle spells every morning - I think if they're prepped I can cast them most of the time even if I'm not in the aura, it's prepping them that's hardest - this would help with the part where I can't hold down a job well if I'm trying to think at the same time - I think I could manage to make enough on first-circle spells to eat every day even if I wasn't perfectly reliable about it. Though I'm not totally sure since I haven't actually been thinking about this as a viable strategy."

That would be terrifying to say if she could be terrified, the thought of being terrified again soon would be terrifying if she could be terrified, but she can't so there's only the wonderful clarity of her thoughts.

And embarrassment. 

This is also embarrassing but it's better to solve her problems at the cost of being embarrassed, the whole previous conversation was embarrassing as well terrifying and she's still embarrassed about it but it's also led to the most wonderful possible thing so everything that led up to this moment had to have been a good idea and if it's just the one thing eating her brain she can push through it just fine for right now. 

"If you want to come to morning services every day, I can mark out a circle around where I'll plan to sit and that can be the courage aura area, but I don't know if you'll find it easy to concentrate on spells during a sermon and sometimes the pews are packed very tight."

"Oh, I don't think that'll be a problem - unless it's Evil to not pay attention to the sermon? But then I probably shouldn't go to sermons at all unless I can be in an aura. I hadn't thought about that part when going to sermons came up earlier." 

"I don't think it's Evil to not pay attention to the sermon but if it's extremely crowded you might be displacing someone who did want to hear it."

"Do you know if wizard spells always need to be prepped first thing in the morning or if you can prep them later in the day? I don't remember that part, at school they always had us trying starting early in the morning. If it's often very crowded is there anywhere else some other time that I can be near paladins that can do the aura? I won't be a bother, I think I can very reliably not be a bother if I'm in an aura like this." 

"Wizards can prepare spells at any time. At times other than services it's likelier that more of the paladins who are using this temple as a home base will be at the convention or else on errands - Select Artigas just dispatched one of us on such an errand a little while ago - but we'll be erratically available."

"Thank you. I'd appreciate it if you thought of any other ways where it wouldn't be an inconvenience to the paladin for me to spend more time near a paladin aura, I'd be happy with a near arbitrary amount of inconvenience for it for myself, but this amount is already going to be very helpful." 

"...I suppose you could see if you can get a support-wizardry role in the Glorious Reclamation but I have never worked in the recruitment arm so I couldn't tell you how likely that would be to work."

“Probably I can find someone who can tell me, if I’m spending a lot of time here. Thank you.”

She directs that at both the paladin and the select.

"You're welcome. I've been reading convention transcripts, just now, so if you and Select Artigas are through you can come sit with me until something requires my attention."

"Thank you Ser Jornet."

He doesn't have to sit in Ser Jornet's circle during services, he'll just have to get there early and make sure there's still at least standing room outside of it.

“Yes, I think - that’s everything important. I’ll be easy for you to find if you get any news about my brother? I can also come look for you after some amount of time has passed if that would be more convenient. Thank you, Select.” 

it’s kind of pathetic how grateful she is but it turns out that that’s fine if she’s not also terrified of being pathetic. 

Nod nod nod? Will that make Ser Jornet go away??

Yup. Off she goes.

Olivia follows closely behind. 

Blai gives them a wide berth. Anybody else here for him?

There is! Silvia has been patiently waiting and watching how Blai talks to people. He doesn't seem to have been lying about anything? And it certainly looks like nobody's ending up tortured for their conversation. That alone means he's obviously not still a normal Chosen, even setting the paladins aside. Still, probably best to minimize how many people get clues about her history with the Church.

Up she walks. "Select Artigas? I have some questions I would like to ask, privately. —I'll swear not to harm you, if it makes any difference."

"I think I'm starting to make my bodyguard irritable; can I have your name first and some idea what you'd like to talk about before I send him away?"

Not too surprising. How much is she willing to say? The paladins seem mostly reasonable so far. If she avoids going into detail it's probably not a problem?

"Silvia. It's mostly about the Church of Asmodeus, how it worked from the inside. And how Iomedae's church differs."

"All right. I've reserved this room." He nods at the bodyguard to park by the door.

She would thank him, but she's pretty sure that's not how priests work, even if they're not Asmodeus's. She dips a little curtsey instead.

"I used to work for a Chosen, before the war. He spent most of his time worrying about the other Chosen nearby, avoiding their plots and trying to catch them unaware. Do you know if that's something Asmodeus was doing to the church? Was it just how big groups of people work?"

"...both and neither. It is not impossible for devout Asmodeans to be more merit- than sabotage-oriented, as is my impression of Hellknights, and separately it is a mortal tendency to sometimes find destroying competitors easier and more appealing than improving oneself as a way to reap the rewards of advancement. I think Hell's influence encouraged it in large part by damaging and destroying the kinds of... anti-escalatory protections... that better organizations have, and by making failure so dangerous for anyone already enmeshed in the competition."